Month: March 2021

JUST FOR A LAUGH

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The managing director of a major paint company was found at the summit of Ben Nevis. Found by the mountain rescue and reported to be blue with the cold.
Recommended that another couple of coats would have helped.

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The High court in Belfast in the 50’s.
Woman found guilty of murdering her husband.
Judge dons the black cap and starts on the sentence.
Takes off the cap and says, ‘I’m going to be lenient due to the fact you’re a widow’.

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12. Lest you should suddenly imagine yourselves on the Isle of Man or, Falkland Islands. Never forget that they are BRITISH pounds sterling.
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15. Don’t worry, DRoss, De Pfeffel isn’t the only one who forgets your name. Pretty much no one in Scotland has heard of you.
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It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. – Mark Twain.

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NOW just imagine if the person who named walkie-talkies had named various other things:

·      Stamps – lickie-stickies.

·      Defibrillator – heartie startie

·      Bumble bees – fuzzie-buzzies.

·      Pregnancy test – maybie-babie.

·      Bra – breastie-nestie.

·      Fork – stabbie-grabbie.

·      Socks –feetie-heaties.

·      Hippo – floatie-bloatie.

·      Nightmare – Screamie-dreamie.

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·      Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

·      A man’s home is his castle in a manor of speaking.

·      Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

·      Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

·      A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

·      Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

·      Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

·      Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

·      When two egotists meet it’s an i for an i.

·      She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

·      A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·      If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

·      A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

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Thanks to: Brenda, Andi, T, Dave, Derek, John, Graham, Erik.

SOPPY SUNDAY

For those of us in Scotland, Munguin asked me to remind you that the clocks will change on Sunday morning. (Apologies for the early appearance of SS … not associated at all with the English Government… This was due to clumsiness on the part of Tristan, who will be docked a week’s wages.)

Captured: The moment tiny baby orangutan gently bites his mother's nose | Daily Mail Online
1. Just helping Munguin out with the weeding. Of course he’s actually sitting with a glass of bubbles and Tris and I are doing the work.
2. Dave was over at Aberlemno yesterday.
3. that’s how to get the class’s attention.
4. Supercool hair cut, Robbie.
5. Is that bloke a politician? He looks dodgy enough. You don’t think he eats hedgehog, do you?
6. Awwwww.
7. Nice picnic… Munguin said there would be food…
8. Just practising my scales for a bit of courting!
9. What do you mean, who gave me black eyes? Humans is thick!
10. Sometimes you just have to laugh.
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11. Hello Magazine? No? Oh, Munguin’s Republic. We’ve made it!
12. Ben D Tree. Tentsmuir Forest.
Get to Know the Amazing Armadillo - Veterinary Medicine at Illinois
13. Just heading off to the office.
14. Amazon Delivery. Open up or I’ll leave him on the doorstep.
15. Angus countryside on the road to the top of Lundie Crags.
Chad's first Covid-19 patient is a Moroccan who came from Cameroon
16. N’Djamena, Chad.
Parent feeding baby Gentoo Penguin. (Photo ID 16461-jouglapo)
17. Lunch for a baby penguin.
Two cute grizzly bear cubs in a playful mood. | Baby animals, Cute animals, Animals wild
18. Grizzly? Not us.
Brazil's Amazon River Dolphin Faces Extinction After Fishing Moratorium Ends - EcoWatch
19. Amazonian Dolphins.
20. It was nice seeing you. You should come back next week and I’ll see if we can find any more photos you might like.

Thanks to Dave and Andi

FROM A JACK TO A JACKASS

I can’t help but think we’re going a bit overboard on the old union flag…

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Nick Eardley@nickeardleybbc

UK govt says has issued new guidance saying the Union flag should be flown on Government buildings every day.

I imagine that this decree is for England, although presumably the hideous concrete monstrosity that they have sicked up in the middle of our capital will be included… as well as all the new offices they are building in Glasgow and their nuclear bases close by.

We should probably, therefore, learn more about it if it’s going to be forced in our face at every turn. So here’s a wee video about it:

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Maybe it should become compulsory to have a flag on your car?

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Or maybe we’ll be forced to shave out heads and wear an England no surrender tattoo where our brains used to be...

It’s also possible that we may be forced to wear a uniform when we go to the pub so that foreigners will immediately recognise our superiority. Smart, huh?

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And possibly, by Johnstonian degree babies may be born with a Jack on their foreheads to proclaim to the world that they are pf a superior race with a regime that will last a thousand years.

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Personally, I think that (if you’ll pardon the rudeness) this is what they can do with their flag, at least in Scotland.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. Oh dear. It seems like The Majority don’t spell too well.
2. But I see Mr Jhonstoon is taking the pet for a pee pee.
3. Still at least there’s something good happening as far as Brexit is concerned… isn’t it?
4. Oh… bother… hmmmm.
5. There’s always someone worse off…
6. Also she didn’t go to Eton.
7. Nileg’s new office?
8. I wonder if Brexiteers follow a particular dietary regime, or maybe it’s the exercise they get changing the channel on the tv?
9. No, sir, please don’t show us your boxers.
10. Great British English values. Statues before people.

JUST FOR A LAUGH

Advanced warning of a few sweary words.

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2. Comhghairdeas, Éire.

A POLICE officer pulls over a woman for speeding.

“Is there a problem, officer?”

“Ma’am, you were speeding. May I see your driver’s licence please?

“I don’t have one. I lost it for drunken driving.

“Can I see your vehicle identification papers?”

“Nope, can’t do that either. I stole the car. I killed the driver and put his body in the boot.”

The cop reaches for his phone and calls for back-up. Police cars start arriving from several directions. A senior officer approaches her, pistol drawn.

“Ma’am, open the boot please.”

She does so. It’s empty.

“Is this your car, ma’am?
She hands him the registration papers.

‘Your driver’s licence?”

She hands it over. The police chief is nonplussed.

“I was given to understand that you have no driver’s licence, no registration papers and you stole the car and murdered the owner.”

“I suppose the lying bastard also said I was speeding.”

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·      When I told my contractors I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

·      I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament but good players are really hard to find.

·      I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied: “Aisle B back.”

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THREE senior citizens are strolling and chatting on the beachfront.

“It’s windy today.”

“No, it’s Thursday.”

“Me too. Let’s have a beer.”

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8. Somehow Andi’s made him sound more sensible that he really is…
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Thanks to John, Tony, Erik, Graham, Brenda, Panda Paws, Andimac, Brendan.

SOPPY SUNDAY

Adorable Baby Orangutans Find A Forever Home On World Orangutan Day (PHOTOS) | HuffPost
1. Did you bring the buckets and spades, Uncle Munguin?
2. Sheesh, I’m bushed.
3. I’m sure you knew, but just in case you don’t, I’m a Gould’s Sunbird and I’m from Bhutan, you know, where Moira Anderson is considered to be a god.
4. Come in if you want. If you’re a friend of Munguin, I can organise a shower for you.
5. Colorado.
6. Come on, carry me. I only have little legs.
Fox Social Life: Do Foxes Live in Packs? | Pet Keen
7. Quintuplets…
Photos: Superb Owl Sunday IV - The Atlantic
8. You are kidding me… Boris is still ahead in the polls in England? They must have gone mad.
Scotland's 'Coo Cam' for Highland cows
9. I can get Radio Radio nan Gàidheal on these…
Colombia: Goats kidding around on rooftop rescued | World News | Sky News
10. I’m not sure how we got up here, but we couldn’t get down without these two-legged animals’ help.
The Principality of Liechtenstein - english - YouTube
11. Vaduz, Liechtenstein.
12. Some say I’m a cheetah, but I win races fair and square…
What Are the Best Farm Dogs?
13. When you work on a farm like I do, you have to be kind to the littler animals.
Six Best Dog Breeds for a Small Backyard Farm - PetHelpful - By fellow animal lovers and experts
14. Of course, that works both ways.
15. I’m on the lookout for a bird. You know what I mean?
15 Fascinating Frog Species
16. I hope the French don’t like orange cuisses de grenouilles.
At a wild animal park in France, a baby hippo shows off his chops | Sweet Baby Zoo Animals to Ring in the New Year | POPSUGAR Pets Photo 5
17. Is that scary enough, mum?
18. We’re the black swans of the family.
Polar Bears and People: Cataloging Conflict | Hakai Magazine
19. Could you stop climate change please people.
Pucker up! Adorable moment baby orangutan responds to mum's request for a kiss
20. And stop cutting down our forests!

Thanks to John and Quokka.

For those of you who have emailed me and I haven’t yet got back, I’m really sorry. I’m incredibly busy right now. I’ll get back this week sometime.

Thanks…