SOPPY SUNDAY

1. You have to get here early to be in charge… so I’ve been waiting for HOURS.
2. That white dog likes the game too…
3. Здравейте, аз съм българска жаба… Oh sorry, I forgot, you don’t speak Bulgarian, or Tree Frog, anyway, that’s what I am and fortunately I’m a polyglot.
4. So what do you want? And don’t come it with the pretty pussy nonsense. It doesn’t work with me.
5. Stay still and quiet or you’ll disturb my fishing and this beak is very sharp. You really wouldn’t like me to get cross!!
6. Where was Dave?
7. It’s good to be invited to Munguin’s Soppiness this early in my life.
8. Eva and Claire. John will tell you a story, as only John can.
9. I’m very rare, so you should treat me with awe and respect. I’m a Western Ground Parrot.
10. That’s exactly what I’m doing for my big buddy.
11. Can you do that? What about you, Munguin? What about Munguinites? Go on, try.
12. Awesome rock formation at Qeqertaqrsuaq in Greenland.
13. Hard work with two of them. Does Munguin have a babysitting service. Maybe we could hire PP out for a few hours to look after them.
14. Happy cute dolphins in boy band to attract females. Must have heard about One Direction.
15. You’re safe, DonDon. It’s not a spider. But they have just found seven new species of these pseudo-scorpions in Australia, needless to say.
16. Just to remind you that in a few months’ time you’ll be looking like this if you venture out, and if you live in Britain, even if you stay in your house, unless you are royalty or Boris Johnson and a donor is paying your electricity bills.
17. Sumela Monastery, Turkey. Imagine building that?
18. Arctic Fox. Tell ya what, I’m not getting another blow dry!.
19. Dippy the Dipper.
20. Skara Brae.
21. I wasn’t expecting company, but come in anyway. Any friend of Munguin… and all that stuff.
22. Look into our eyes…
23. Hello there. I’m from Borneo and I’m a pig, which makes me a Bornean Pig.
24. Now you see me… and now you don’t. Me and my friend the tree have it sussed.
25. That’s my shift done. Off to collect my bananas and then bed!

Munguin thanks, John, Quokka, AndiMac, Dave, Cursty and Claire.

I did ask about thanking Tris, but Munguin said he just sits about like a lazy lump, so no!

Bonus:

They met at the orphanage and are now inseparable. You have to read this.

ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

1. Better than a Truss?
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And Bonus (coz it just arrived in Munguin’s in-box):

Thanks from Munguin to John, Andimac, Dave, Derek and Marcia.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Moaning Monica is complaining that:

NHS Lanarkshire has returned to ‘Code Black’ status.

The health board is operating at the high level of risk.

Staff are on their knees.

Patients need safe and sustainable care.

It can’t all be blamed on Covid. Urgent solutions needed from the Scottish government. We can’t go on like this.

Of course, she has a point.

It can’t ALL be blamed on Covid, but a huge amount of it can.

This comment from a nurse of 35 years’experience in Scotland… “I suggest you get your facts right. Covid 19 is still having a big impact on bed and staff availability.”

Some staff died during the worst of the pandemic; some became sick and haven’t properly recovered; some were so sickened by it that they decided to leave, or retire early.

And there is no doubt that we already had too few doctors and nurses, before we started getting rid of the “foreigners”, which thanks to Patel, we did.

The Brexit that Scotland voted against, but which was imposed upon us by Britain, and the way that the British Home Office of Priti Patel has dealt with applications of EU citizens to stay anywhere in the UK, must take some of the responsibility for the mess that the UK countries are in.

And even when we manage to get visas for foreign doctors to come work here, the British Home Office refuses visas for families, including spouses, for fear presumably, of “foreigners coming over here taking our jobs, school places, hospital beds and eating our food” and upsetting the ERG.

Ms Patel is nothing if not paranoid.

I’d not be surprised if some of the imagine that they might be only a few days away from being deported to Rwanda such is the reputation of the British authorities for ignoring treaties and contracts and, of course, international law.

Of course, that it is happening in England, doesn’t make it any better for the people of Monklands, but it suggests that the problem may be a bit winder than the narrow Monica Lennon view that it is all the fault of the Scottish government.

Maybe too, we could reduce the transmission and the strain on the NHS if we took the government’s advice on mask wearing.

It may offend the Great British sense of freedom to wear a mask indoors when mixing with strangers, but I’d bet that there is a great deal less freedom if you are in intensive care on a ventilator, or on a trolley in a corridor for three or four days. Even having to spend the last couple of weeks at home has been a lot more challenging that putting on a mask for 10 minutes in Tescos.

So here’s a challenge to Monica.

What would you do?

WELL, WE WONDERED WHAT HE STOOD FOR…

AND NOW WE, UM, KNOW, ER… SORT OF

OK. He’s going to be financially responsible. What does that mean? Take no risks? Not allow big business to walk all over him? Not buy unusable rubbish from his mates and donors, like the Tories do?

Secondly, what the hell is distinctly British? OK, we know he has to say something like that for the Red Wall lot. So, there won’t be any European anything at all? No looking to Germany or Denmark or Sweden or any of the other progressive countries? Get rid of everything foreign (including all the car companies?)

All will be class conscious and based on solid British values? Which are? Remind me. And union jacks will take a prominent place on all everything? God save the Queen?

Oh look mama, common people.
Yes, my dears, quite disgusting!

No, seriously, what DOES it mean?

So, thirdly, you will work in partnership with business? What about in partnership with the Trades Unions? Nope?

What does No 4 even begin to mean? How do you re-energise communities? (Hint: You might try reducing the cost of energy so that they could afford it!) From where and to where will you spread economic power and by what means? Not through the unions, it seems.

And how, on earth, fifthly, are you going to boost productivity with these policies?

Maybe ennoble everyone?

Anyone else have a wish list for the tooth fairy?

MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE TOWERS

DEAR LABOUR, REGARDEZ…

EH BIEN, MONSIEUR STARMER, AVEZ-VOUS UNE EXPLICATION?

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Well, that’s a relief. I mean the actual situation is so bleak that it’s a relief to watch two people who served faithfully in Johnson’s government, pull the skin off each other describing how incredibly inefficient it was. Since “Spitting Image” isn’t on telly any more, it’s the best entertainment available.

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From Richard Murphy, via Brenda. You’d think that having to borrow 1.5 trillion, they’d have, prudent as they are, made an effort to pay it down a bit. Still, wallpaper, games with the Army, Track and Trace, private jets… none of it grows on trees, you know.


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Thank goodness someone explained that for this idiot.

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If you want to avoid the queues at the airports or at Dover you might like to consider a holiday in England. Some lovely places, beautiful cities, stunning countryside. Just beware of the water. It is quite likely to be severely contaminated.

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Sainsbury, Liverpool, Tuesday afternoon (Photo Credit: @The_ChrisShaw )

Which Brexit bonus would you miss the most, were Britain to do a reverse on its Brexit Policy. Obviously the EU would be delighted to have them back, great partners that they were and would welcome them with open arms. But this would come at a cost. The hard earned freedoms would be lost in the twinkle of an eye. Of all of them (too numerous to mention), which would you miss the most. Maybe it’s crowns on pint glasses, maybe no longer having to decide between vegetable to go with your dinner, or doing that most British of things, queueing.

Let Munguin know. Answers on a post card.

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A WEE STORY TO CHEER YOU UP

After losing his parents, Suryia, a 3-year-old orangutan, was so depressed he wouldn’t eat and didn’t respond to medical treatment. The vets thought he may die from sadness.

The zookeepers found an old sick dog named Roscoe on the grounds in the park at the zoo where the orangutan lived and took the dog to the animal treatment center. The dog arrived at the same time the orangutan was there being treated…

The two lost souls met and have been inseparable ever since.

The orangutan found a new reason to live, and each of them always tries his best to be a good companion to his newfound friend.

They are together 24 hours a day in all their activities. They live in Northern California, where swimming is their favorite pastime.

Although, Suryia (the orangutan) is a little afraid of the water and needs his friend’s help to swim. Together they have discovered the joy and laughter in life and the value of friendship.

HOW PEOPLE CELEBRATED WHEN PATEL SAID IT WAS HER JOB TO RESTRICT FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT

They celebrated a little less when they discovered that it was THEIR freedom of movement that was being restricted

RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you read through their policies on immigration, repatriation, getting out of the Common Market, restoring links with the “white” commonwealth, buying British, bringing back capital punishment and getting tough on criminals (presumably without getting tough on the causes of criminality), National Defence… and “aliens”, you could be reading the policies of the ERG/Boris Johnson/Liz Truss.

Very seriously, we need to be free of this. It scares the hell out of me.

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The Queen and disgraced second son, Airmiles.

Apparently, Tories have been left fuming after our government  refused to participate in the British distribution of the now infamous book about the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.

The English Department for Education came up with the idea of a book looking at some of the events of Elizabeth’s 70 year reign, and made all English primary schools distribute it to their pupils.

The book for 9-10 year olds was reportedly written by a group of ‘historians’ from Britain and the Commonwealth.

Prince Michael who was reportedly selling access to the royals to Putin’s regime. The article lists other scandals in Mickey’s life.

The Scottish Tories have their knickers in knots because the Scottish and Welsh governments decided to leave participation in the distribution up to individual schools. In short decisions were made very locally, at the best level to judge whether this was a good idea or not, and suitable or not, for the parents and children in each school.

No one was banned from having a book by either Scotland or Wales.

Charles and the generous sheik who didn’t know how to do bank transfers.

MSP for South Scotland Sharon Dowey (nah, me neither) suggested children had “missed out” on an educationally useful piece of work and that the SNP decided to limit Scotland’s participation because they did not want a book which might bolster support for the Union.

But, given that the book was designed for 9-10 year olds, I think that highly unlikely. Kids of that age are rarely highly politically motivated. However, Dowey appears to think that the SNP (she maybe hasn’t yet heard about the coalition government), has been purposely awkward.

Murdo, the Rangers Fan. So keen is he to support the Queen’s 11, he can take time off from his “job” of whining at the Scottish government to pop to Seville for a match.

In response to a question by Queen’s Eleven Murdo Fraser, Shirley-Anne Somerville, the Education Secretary said: “The idea for this book was instigated by the UK Government. The Scottish Government is not involved with the opt-in process being carried out by the UK Government with education authorities.”

Personally, I reckon that if the book were historically accurate and within the limits of what is suitable for a 9 year old, about the Queen’s reign, then there is no reason why children shouldn’t read it, although I absolutely agree it should not be forced on them, any more than should religion or party politics.

But I have grave misgivings that the book will contain a balanced reporting of the life of Elizabeth, warts and all. And heaven knows there have been many warts.

On your knees, peasant.

And without balance, it becomes a propaganda book for Britishness.

I note too, that no mention has been made of it being distributed in that other “equal” member of the union, Northern Ireland.

I wonder why.

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Education Secretaries should really be able to read.

JUST FOR A LAUGH

1. The one you’ve all be waiting for. (Well PP anyway.)
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4. Dover.
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A passenger is having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally manages to stuff it into the overhead rack.

“Do you always carry such heavy cabin baggage?” she sighs. “No more,” he says. “Next time I’m riding in the bag, and my wife can buy her own ticket.”

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HAVE you ever suffered from the delusion that there’s somebody under your bed? A fellow had the delusion since he was a child – but cured himself of it.

He went to see a shrink, who told him he needed to book a series of consultations over a year. He would rid him of his bogey.

“How much?”

“$12, 000”

“I’ll think about it.”

He didn’t go back. One day he met the shrink in the street.

“Why didn’t you come back to me about those fears you were experiencing?”

“A bartender fixed things for me, free of charge.”

“And how, may I ask , did a bartender cure you.?

“He told me to cut the legs off my bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

Moral: Forget the shrinks. Have a drink and talk to a bartender. Always better to get a second opinion.

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·    “The older I get, the more I remember things that never happened.” – Mark Twain.

·    “First you forget n names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg.

·    “At fifty, everyone gets the face he deserves.” – George Orwell.

·    “At age 20 ,we worry what others think of us …at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us … at age 60 we discover that they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann  Lander.

·    “As you get  older three things happen. The first is you memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom.

·    “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone. – Anne Rooney

·    “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon.

·    “I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-olds do you know?” – Barry Cryer.

·    “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier.

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·    The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

·    Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

·    Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

·    When you get a headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children – just like the bottle says.

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·    Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

“My wife completely ignores me when she watches Netflix.  I’ve renewed my subscription for a further 10 years.”

22.

23. Trumpy Rednecks, huh?

JOB interview:

“The starting pay is R40 000. Later it can go up to R80 000.”

“Great. I’ll start later.”

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Munguin’s thanks to: Brenda, Andi, John, Graham, Brendan, Erik and Panda Paws.

Late addition from PP:

CARD PLAYERS OF OLD LONDON TOWN

We “hold all the cards” Michael Gove; “Easiest deal in history” Liam Fox; “There will be no downside to Brexit, only a considerable upside” David Davis; “Getting out of the EU can be quick and easy – the UK holds most of the cards” John Redwood

I suppose, in fairness, they were pretty heavily committed to spending what with all Handcock’s mates and then the good Baroness’s £37 billion, and old Moany from Man. £33 million might have meant that Carrie Antoinette couldn’t have her wallpaper.

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Chickens coming home to roost in Kent

Brexit! All is not well

Dover! Descending to hell

Climb out of the trench

By blaming the French?

Hmm, it’s quite a tough sell.

John Leahy (https://twitter.com/johnleahy66)

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Just the thing to do, chaps. Why would any decent Englishman ever think about going to a foreign place anyway. Can’t get decent ham and eggs and a cup of good old English tea is out of the question. Stay at home. Just don’t go anywhere near the rivers. Looks like there may be a big increase in sales of Pimms, Sainsbury!

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If your French accent is anywhere near as ghastly as your English accent, that wouldn’t have been a laugh, Liz, it would have been a screech of horror.” Il y a une banshee hurlante au bout de la ligne ici. Bloquez son numéro! Vite! In any case, you were actually campaigning in Kent to be prime minister. That, I guess, is where a lot of the Tory members live. Much more important than all these folk stuck in a queue.

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Holidays in Blackpool, plenty of fun!
Right, Jacob. We’ve stopped Freedom of Movement… or any movement at all really.
“Apparently they thought freedom of movement would only be ended in one direction.” Brendan May (Twitter).
And even the Express can see it.

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France, which didn’t vote for or ask for this…
…but could see the chaos that was coming because…
Britbin was too busy lining the pockets of its mates.

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Any additional laughs most welcome! And no, this is not “Just for a Laugh”.