Thanks to Marcia, Dave, Dave and John.
It seems the favourite to replace Arlene is a bloke called Poots. Edwin Poots believes that the world is around 6,000 years old.
He does, though, think that it’s possible that dinosaurs did exist within that time frame, but they were drowned in the flood. Presumably God or Noah didn’t think they worth saving… or maybe the arc was a bit crowded? (Well, they were very big and they would have needed two of them. It wasn’t the royalo yacht, you know!)
He also doesn’t believe that we should be talking about climate change.
And he is vehemently anti-gay. There you go.
That sums him up.
If he wins, good luck with him, Northern Ireland!
As George Monbiot wrote: So here’s the plan. He buys the matching shirt, then when the police come looking for him, he just stands in front of the wallpaper.
The government used an exclusive WhatsApp group to give “VIP” CEOs information on its PPE requirements, a court has been told. An English High Court judge today ordered Matt Hancock to hand over texts and WhatsApp messages about Covid contracts.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIS DOWNSTAIRS LAVVIE:
Today, in the English Daily Mail (which, note, is called the Daily Mail, like it’s the proper Daily Mail, you know), this was the headline:
Meanwhile, in Scotland, where there is a general election in a few weeks, and where the Daily Mail, which oddly, becomes the Scottish Daily Mail, hates the SNP and Nicola Sturgeon even more than they apparently hate Boris Johnson, this is what they have to say:
And Boris and his incendiary comments are relegated to a small column at the bottom right hand page.
From what I read, the comments Johnson allegedly made have been verified to journalists like Robert Peston and Laura Kuenssberg, by several people who heard him sound off in temper.
Mr Gove has said that he was there and never heard the prime minister say any such thing… Not even a sniff of it… (He may have added that his wife thinks she will change the décor in number 10 that Carrie has overseen) …or maybe that is just a malicious rumour passed on to Munguin by a disaffected Chancellor, whose own wife may have been seen purchasing a tape measure.
THE figure 9 appears to have featured strangely in the final days of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. He died at 9am on April 9, the 99th day of the year at the age of 99. Astonishing coincidence.
There’s a new epic movie coming out about Harry and Meghan abandoning British royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle. It’s called Gone With The Windsors.
SOME ancestral mathematics come this way. To be born you need:2 parents; 4 grandparents; 8 great-grandparents; 16 second great-grandparents; 32 third great-grandparents; 64 fourth great-grandparents; 128 fifth great-grandparents; 256 sixth great-grandparents; 512 seventh great-grandparents; 1 024 eighth great-grandparents; and 2 048.ninth great-grandparents.
For you to be born today from 12 previous generations, you needed a total of 4 094 ancestors over the past 400 years.
Think for a moment. How many struggles? How many difficulties? How much sadness? How much happiness? How many love stories? How many expressions of hope for the future? How much of this did your ancestors have to undergo for you to exist in this present moment?
Yes, all that to experience a Covid pandemic.
News of some truly meaningful research at one of the world’s top universities…
“Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Booldy amazanig.”
· A few puns make me numb. But maths puns make me number.
· I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.
· A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’ty set high enough.
· I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
· If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.
· Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo incident. He’s in ICU.
· Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B Back.
· If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresh fruit puns, let that mango!
She: “You might at least take me to dinner.”
He: “I don’t go out with married women.”
She: “But I’m your wife.”
He: “I make no exceptions.”
A POLITICIAN is in bed with his wife when a massive storm blows up and a bolt of lightning lights up the bedroom.
He jumps out of bed shouting: “I’ll buy the negatives! I’ll buy the negatives!”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
Thanks as ever to John, Andimac, Brenda, Graham and Erik.
Thanks to John and Andi.
Stop Press: This just in from Quokka.
Thanks to Dave, Gerry, Marcia, John.