ADVERTISEMENT
Her Majesty the Queen and her British “government” is looking to recruit a suitable person for a most senior post in Washington DC, that of
Ambassador (Lick Spittle)
Candidates should have the following diplomatic qualifications.
The ability to dress well for formal dinners and to eat without slurping soup or chewing with an open mouth (even when the host is doing it).
Total fluency in English. (Gaelic, Welsh, Kernewek speakers not considered). Even though the host is less than fluent.
The ability to dance at functions with people like Ivanka and Melania, should the successful applicant be male, or with Don Jr., or even Eric, in the unlikely event that a female be chosen.
The facility to translate into functioning English from “rambling nonsense” (when listening to or reading the inane twitterings of the resident head of government).
A sound understanding of American history, particularly as it relates to the use of aircraft and airfields in the revolutionary wars.
It is important that candidates be able to smile pleasantly while being bored witless by elderly orange men with a fear of descending stairs, and with that in mind, it is probable that the successful candidate will have an IQ somewhat under average.
Physical Requirements: A long tongue is also a necessity for this post.
Applications, in the first instance, should be sent to Theresa May (if you hurry) or either Jeremy Hunt or Boris Johnson, all c/o Widdecombe Farage Recruitment.
Clearly, the final interviews will be conducted in Washington DC by President Trump.
References will not be required.
This post is likely to be relatively short term, however, the pension rights and the likelihood of honours and antiquated titles in the near future make this an exciting opportunity for the right kind of creepy reprobate.
