Month: May 2022

SO, WHAT HAPPENED TODAY… ?

Well, it’s been suggested that Johnson is phoning round potential waverers hinting that, it he’s still PM, there will be a reshuffle coming up, and there may be jobs in it for them (no matter how dense they are).

“Vote for me and you could be Home Secretary… let’s face it, you couldn’t be less popular or more unsuitable than “the Pritster”!!”

Is there no depth to which he will not sink? Rhetorical question!

Also, figures released show that there are plans to spend £20 million on a referendum next year.

The Archbishop of the English Church is telling us that we should step back from Prince Andrew. Frankly, I’d run a mile to get away from him, but in fairness to the Bish, he does seem to understand the revulsion that some people feel for the horrible little ‘pronce’.

Frankly, I shouldn’t think that the odious little creep is in the least bit sorry for what he did, although I’m sure he’s sorry about how it turned out. He’s spent his life being a self obsessed, selfish, greedy pain in the butt.

Someone give him a rap in the face?

But, if they want to forgive, to bring him back and let him call himself a “royal highness”, a “prince”, a “duke”, an “earl” and a “baron” and all the other titles and honours he got for being born and getting married (things most of us do without getting aristocratic titles), …well, let them. Another nail in the coffin of the monarchy is never seen as a bad thing here in the Republic.

As you can see, not a lot of forgiveness here.

Then there was Trump, who obviously has the intellectual capabilities of a backward beetle.

Inflation is looking a bit world beating here. Well done Johnson, you turnip.

And then, of course, the Tories got it wrong again…

Seriously, don’t they have advisors?

RANDOM THOUGHTS

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Please, Monsieur François, don’t “divulge” all over the place! Oh, and where’s yer union flag? Are you now a proud subject of her magisterial magnificence?

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Former Attorney General, Jeremy Wright, has called for Boris Johnson to stand down in lengthy statement on his website… which was then taken down…

“For the good of this and future Governments the Prime Minister should resign”.

I wonder why that happened.

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Dover… again.

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Poor old Donny. Not pulling the crowds he used to pull in the Red States?

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EEEEK…. Someone help him.

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You know, Liz, if you genuinely want to be popular on Thursday, you should probably start the day by sending for Johnson and sacking him.

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JUST FOR A LAUGH

1.

MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT

“SEX IS BETTER

ON HOLIDAY”….

NOT THE BEST

POSTCARD I’VE

EVER RECEIVED!

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about £9000. £4000 for materials, £4000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me.”

The Polish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for £7000. £3000 for materials, £3000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me.”

The Tory party donor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the Tory Party official and whispers, “£27,000.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Tory Donor whispers back, “£10,000 for me, £10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Poland to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the Tory party official.

And that, my friends, is how this Tory government works.

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TURKISH proverb: When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, The place becomes a circus.

Yes, and I guess you could say that about all kinds of government buildings.

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I saw this municipal worker crushing a snail. I asked him why. He said it had been following him all day long.

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She: “I’ve got blisters on my hands from the broom.”

He (from behind his newspaper): “Take the car next time.”

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AN ELDERLY gent had hearing problems but the doctor was able fit hearing aids that fixed it 100 percent. A month later he’s back at the doctor’s for a follow-up.

“Your hearing’s still 100 percent. Your family must be very pleased.”

“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around listening to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.”

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18. Now, there’s a real joke, Alister Union Jack Boots is a cabinet minister! No, really!!!

That massacre, expressed in verse…

England is a cup of tea.

France,  a wheel of ripened brie.

Greece, a short, squat olive tree.

America is a gun.

Brazil is football on the sand.

Argentina, Maradona’s hand.

Germany, an oompah band.

America is a gun.

Holland is a wooden shoe.

Hungary, a goulash stew.

Australia, a kangaroo.

America is a gun.

Japan is a thermal spring.

Scotland is a highland fling.

Oh, better to be anything

Than America as a gun.

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22. Anyone else fed up with it?
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25. Unless you are Boris Johnson.

Thanks to Brenda, Andi, John, Brendan, Graham, Erik.

Bonus:

SOPPY SUNDAY

1. I’m looking in awe, because I think I just spotted Munguin, in person, or rather, in penguin.
2. I’m off for a gambol about the field. No, not a gamble, silly!
3. Srem in the morning mist.
4. What is this?
5. Mummy provides good transport.
6. Chapel of the Thistle, St Giles, Edinburgh.
7. More Srem residents.
8. Who’s a pretty boy. Black Throated Bushtit.
9. Mum and baby donkey.
10. Glencoe.
11. All dressed up and no where to go.
12. Wake up and smell the flowers.
13. Fairy Bridge, at Fas Na Cloiche, Glen Creran.
14. Just when I was getting ready to do a marathon… to the bottom of the garden and back and then I went and broke my leg, but some kind person to me to the hospital and I got a plaster. You can sign it in very small letters if you want.
15. Yum Yum, on John’s lap in the pub!
16. Aren’t I a beauty?
17. I was sent to the supermarket to get sultanas for Bertie the Blackbird. Unfortunately they only had organic ones which cost a fortune. Happy, he appears to like them.
18. Sherman, Wyoming. (If you read the poem on the page, have a hanky a hand.)
19. Ilulisat, in Northern Greenland. where they are having a midnight marathon, now that there is daylight 24/7.
20. Comme chien et chat.
21. I don’t suppose anyone would mind if a little bird had a peck or two at these apples, would they?
22. Yeah, right. I can see everything now… but, um, how do I get down?
23. Well, someone had to look after them and Munguin chose me.
24. Chez Munguin.
25. Munguin’s coming for an inspection….eeeeek.

Thanks to Kenn, Claire, John, Rob, Andi, Danny, Hetty, Daniel. I hope I didn’t miss anyone. My internet has been playing up all evening, so if this doesn’t work out, I apologise in advance.

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WE MAY AS WELL LAUGH AT THE RIDICULOUS PRIME MINISTER

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Which one is Boris?

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Dr Dan Goyal

Us: Help. Cost of living!

Them: Cook 30p meals.

Us: But it’s cold!

Them: Put a jumper on.

Us: Windfall tax?

Them: Oh no, harmful to the economy.

Sue Gray: You guys partied while people died!

Them: COST OF LIVING CRISIS! Have some cash, windfall tax…just stop shaming us!

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YOU COLDN’T MAKE THAT KIND OF ^%*$ UP?

Dr Megan Smith

As a doctor, if I lie I get struck off. I’m pretty sure that I get struck off if I get absolutely hammered at work, throw up all over theatres, spill red wine up the walls of the consulting room and/or am so drunk that I end up sleeping on the floor of the hospital. Just saying.

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REALLY, WHAT’S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT, PEASANTRY?

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Boris Johnson has been given the full backing of Scottish Secretary, Alister Jack, despite the publication of a damning report into the widespread culture of lawbreaking in Downing Street during lockdown.

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Not everyone, it seems, agrees

Gary Lineker 

Hospitals are really big buildings. Nurses and doctors were working really long hours. Some of them, no doubt, left their jobs and, yet, somehow still managed not to have a party after work and follow the rules that they didn’t actually make.

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And this from Labour MSP, Pam Duncan-Glancy

Karaoke Party’s till 4am; Fizz; Cases of wine.

Meanwhile, we stood 6m apart outside my dad’s flat waiting for the ambulance to take his body away. Like thousands of others we stuck to rules & grieved apart. The report & their sense of entitlement makes me sick to my stomach.

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Andrew Neil

PM Johnson defends alcohol-fuelled Downing St leaving parties and his “leadership duty” to attend them. It’s a new line — and new nonsense. I left the BBC after 25 years during lockdown. There was never any question of a leaving party. We all knew it would be against the rules.

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EmilyMaitless

Wine on the walls, vomit, a fight. And cleaners – who weren’t able to see their families – regularly cleaning it all up. But yep, let’s all get on now …

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Matthew d’Ancona

Just so I understand it: it was absolutely fine to say farewell to Number Ten officials in person. But not for families to say farewell to their dying relatives in person?

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And just for a laugh… who? where?

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RANDOM THOUGHTS

All relatively fair comments.

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We are being expected to believe that no one thought that this was a party? That people in the offices at Downing Street habitually sat there with bottles open all day. Although it would explain a lot, were it true. Mr Harper is right though. If I had happened upon this “party” (or whatever it was) and I was the boss, I’d have taken some action. We must never forget that while they were doing that, people were crying about their mum, dad, sister, brother, child… that they couldn’t be with as they died. Never forget that.

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I sincerely hope that the insensitive Mr Madeley is sacked for this. Utterly indefensible.
This scene seems to have excited Jo Morrisey, Tory MP: “With the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee fast approaching, signs of impending celebration are springing up across the country. The Union flags up on Regent Street look absolutely magnificent. Looking forward to weeks of celebration ahead!” I, on the other hand, I couldn’t help but think of this…
It’s almost like they are hoping that wallowing in respect and love for an elderly woman representing the ridiculously outmoded and horrifically expensive tradition of bowing, scraping and licking the boots of monarchy, will put out of people’s minds the mess that they are making of Brexit, the cost of living crisis and the situation in Northern Ireland, party-gate ** and all the sex scandals. I don’t think it will work. Leastwise, not in Scotland.

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Well, there is that!
  • The link in the flag post is worth watching. I’ve criticised the BBC often for being on the Tories’ side on so much, and I still think they are seriously biased against Scotland and the SNP/Greens/Alba.
  • But with this article, and on-camera piece, it almost as if someone has told them that it’s time they got rid of him before he completely wrecks the Tories for a generation.
  • Then there is this. This is not him partying. It’s him working.

ROUND, LIKE A CIRCLE IN A SPIRAL, LIKE A WHEEL WITHIN A WHEEL…

I wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care, if you say you love me madly, I’ll gladly be there, like a puppet on a string.

Having at one point condemned Boris Johnson over party gate and called for him to consider his position, Douglas Ross changed his mind on the basis that while there was a war on, this was not the time to change prime minister.

Clearly, Douglas is not a great student of either current affairs, or indeed of history, otherwise he would have known, although there is, indeed, a war on, and it is in Europe, Britain isn’t actually fighting in this war. Like most other countries in Europe and the USA, Britain is helping, but no British troops are on the ground, fighting.

Unlike say,well, all of the examples in this article. Most notably and recently, Britain changed prime ministers in the First and Second World Wars, the Korean War, the Gulf War and the war in Afghanistan. In all of which, British Troops were involved.

You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby, right round round round…

However, today, Douglas appears to have seen the error of the error of his ways (does that even make sense?).

Here’s Boris, at a work meeting. You can’t help thinking that if the NO 10 staff didn’t drink quite so much at their meetings, maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t be in so much of a thundering bloody mess.

So, having seen photographs of Boris at one of the parties he wasn’t at, or at least if he was at, that he didn’t know it was a party or that he was at it … and anyway, all the rules were followed (that’s what happens by the time your on your third bottle)… Douglas has made a statement.

So, are we back to this being a disgrace and sod the war?

He hasn’t been quite so bold as to call for him to go m(given that he probably wouldn’t, and then Douglas would probably be removed himself), but goodness me, he is a crosspatch.

So comforting to know that, in these hard times, when inflation is soaring, wages are static, electricity and petrol are unaffordable and there is a shortage of food, that we are in such capable hands.

JUST FOR A LAUGH

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Great-grandfather at Waterloo

Fought solidly all the day through,

He slashed and he hacked,

Through bodies tight-packed,

And managed to reach Platform Two.

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Brian (aka English Prince Charlie) was visiting an Edinburgh hospital and greets a patient,  who says:

‘Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.’

Brian moves on to the next patient, who tells him:


‘Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.’

Next bed is equally baffling:

‘Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.’

Brian asks the accompanying doctor:  “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, says the doctor, this is the Serious Burns Unit”

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TWO elderly gentlemen are sitting on a bench in the shade of a tree. One turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?

“I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really? Like a newborn baby?”

Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”

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Bonus:

“Many people ask why I drink so much whisky.  It’s because I have a generic condition whereby my body doesn’t produce its own alcohol. Therefore I’m forced to take a supplement.”

SIGN in the foyer of an old folks’ home: “We’re not senior citizens, we’re recycled teenagers.”

FIRST dog-owner:  “My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on the TV, all before I get out of bed.”

Second dog-owner “I know.”

“How do you know?”

“My dog told me.” 

FIFE

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

Thanks to Andi, John, Erik, Brenda, Graham et merci à Claudine.