Great-grandfather at Waterloo
Fought solidly all the day through,
He slashed and he hacked,
Through bodies tight-packed,
And managed to reach Platform Two.
7.
Brian (aka English Prince Charlie) was visiting an Edinburgh hospital and greets a patient, who says:
‘Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.’
Brian moves on to the next patient, who tells him:
‘Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.’
Next bed is equally baffling:
‘Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.’
Brian asks the accompanying doctor: “Is this a psychiatric ward?”
“No, says the doctor, this is the Serious Burns Unit”
20.
TWO elderly gentlemen are sitting on a bench in the shade of a tree. One turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?
“I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a newborn baby?”
Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”
24.
Bonus:
“Many people ask why I drink so much whisky. It’s because I have a generic condition whereby my body doesn’t produce its own alcohol. Therefore I’m forced to take a supplement.”
SIGN in the foyer of an old folks’ home: “We’re not senior citizens, we’re recycled teenagers.”
FIRST dog-owner: “My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on the TV, all before I get out of bed.”
Second dog-owner “I know.”
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown
Thanks to Andi, John, Erik, Brenda, Graham et merci à Claudine.
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
I like the MATT ones best. But well done, andimac.
“Serious Burns Unit” is so old, it must be drawing its pension.
Right enough though, I haven’t seen it for years.
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I’d never heard the Burns one before.
One of Andi’s was inspired by the discussion we were having on here the other day.
Talking of that, someone I follow on Facebook received a ban for putting up that photo of the King, Duchess of whatever she was, Lizzie and Margaret all doing Nazi salutes.
Scary!
We’ll have to start speaking in code… or maybe tongues…
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tris: ” . . . inspired by the discussion we were having . . .”
I’m betting that was No. 5.
From Normandy to Schleswig-Holstein, there are war cemeteries full of fallen British and Commonwealth soldiers rotating in their graves . . .
It doesn’t half make you feel proud.
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Yes, it was.
Ironic that Johnson’s hero is Churchill.
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I’m thinking the Ms Grey report won’t be published until late some Friday afternoon, preferably when parliament is going on holiday.
Just reading the quote from muk, the man that’s offered to buy twitter, he says that WeChat is a better app.
Talking in tongues right enough.
Love the Brian one, the serious Burns unit.
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If it comes out Friday afternoon, I wonder which of the muppets will be on duty to take the Sunday tv shows…
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Must be javid’s turn as the stable warming muppet has had his turn.
Nice ad from tesco on food, 4 baked potatoes with cheese and beans with a side salad, only £3.80 , only a pound each or so without cooking and clean up costs.
Where’s that 30p meal?
Seems the mogg is working a 4 day week, he has Friday’s at home in the constituency.
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Working from home?
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Just listening to a follow on report from the weekend’s car crash interview by the education minister.
He said that javid had already purchased for the country the Monkeypox vaccine.
Pity but the report says that the WHO say there is no such vaccine.
You can really trust them, if their lips are moving they are lying.
All the pictures that have been published are of patients of coloured skins, not white as ferrari says he has, he’s a person of colour.
Just a thought about the windfall tax.
If the energy traders are witnessing high levels of profit with oor money, Why not just charge less in the first place.
No tax needed, very tory outcome, it doesn’t meet their requirement.
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Either way wouldn’t suit them, Dave.
I think dumbo the education secretary was getting mixed up with smallpox vaccine.
I don;t know if they have laid in a big supply of smallpox vaccine.
I suppose it depends how many of their donors sell that stuff.
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How about we tell them we can supply chick pox vaccine cheap?
I didn’t know that zahawi was in on the creation of ugov nosey parker company.
Just took part on one on Friday and the questions were bizzarre, how did I rate my local police office, hell you can’t find one as they’ve been closed down when they reduced the staff.
I’ve had a look at AB’s videos, the laugh is he can go into the reception and find nobody there but If he goes around to the car park with a camera he get 5 police objecting to him filming in a public place. Regular as a clock. Best one I say was he was having his lunch under a shady tree when 2 women asked him what he was doing, they were plain clothes officers, produced their warrant cards. Before you know it there are 7 officers wanting him to stop filming.
Message, IF you want a police turn out to a break in just go to the local and set up a camera.
The worrying thing is that the police women are ‘wee lassies’ to me, I’m getting old when the police are youngsters.
Anyway I filled in the box with I don’t know as you can never find one when it’s needed.
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That’s what they say, Dave. You know you’re getting old when the polis look like bairns.
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Seems ITV news have just published a new party picture with food and drinking.
No10 says the buffoon organised the meeting with grey.
Most of us realise that an underling doesn’t order the boss to appear before her.
Still it is wonderful to hear the muppets say that Sue Grey is the most powerful person on the isanmd.
Sorry HRH Sue Grey, one up from baroness.
Maybe there’s been a cummings.
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Ha ha ha…
Maybe they will replace Liz with Sue instead of Chick. Queen Sue has quite a ring to it, don’cha think?
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I think historically that’s how it’s done.
Queen Sue !, no argument there on the index.
Wonder if the buffoon brought his own bottle of tippex.
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H probably drank it if he did!
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