So, the Daily Record says that Nicola Sturgeon is accused of ‘staggering’ decision to push for independence referendum during energy bills crisis.
I’m amazing (spoiler: I’m not really) that they don’t find it “staggering” that the head of the government which has the economic levers to address this matter has spent the last month or so holding wedding parties (for a wedding that happened a couple of years ago so might reasonably have waited till he was a backbencher) or on holiday, not once but twice, and has now left his office in Downing Street to take up residence at his country estate, or, I should say, our country estate enjoying upper-class living at our expense… and that his two possible successors have spent the same amount of time running around England (and a tiny bit Scotland and Wales) trying to outdo each other in right wingedness as they apply for the job to “succeed” him (although I doubt if that word is really totally appropriate in the circumstances) and not one of them has done anything to address the problems facing people, businesses, hospitals, schools and well, everything else.
Now that IS staggering.
On the other hand, planning for a referendum to be held in a year’s time is worrying the Record.
I think Truss has indicated that she won’t be making any more handouts to the peasantry, presumably because that is what she thinks her tiny, hard right, elderly, largely white, largely well off, largely Southern English audience wants to hear.
I’m not sure anyone is bothering to ask Rishi anything now, except maybe if he’ll be holding Liz’s apples or her cheese.
It seems that the dear old prince of Wales… (the boat, not the one that costs us a lot of money and that is frequently seen with plastic bags full of the stuff from dodgy dealers, I mean deals), broke down due to poor maintenance.
There seems to have been a lack of lubrication applied to the propeller shaft, which then overheated and became damaged. Really need to get the mechanics on a oiling and greasing course, eh?
Fortunately, a yard in the European Union was able to come to the British Navy’s rescue.
Indeed the EU has come to the rescue again as Queen Elizabeth (this time the actual one as opposed to the boat), needed a wheel chair to get around her estate at Balmoral.
For a mere £62,000 (or nearly an entire electricity bill), her magisterially magnificently richness was able to lay her hands on this nifty Danish model. If only Munguin had known about that, he could have got one for his granny!
First stop for the stories they don’t want you to know…
TRUSS’S TOP-SECRET SCHEME FOR ECONOMIC SUPREMACY
By John MacDonald, Chief Liz Truss Correspondent (with photographs provided by Munguin)
An import boycott tops a list of policy priorities for incoming UK prime minister Liz Truss.
“We will no longer be held to ransom by foreign profiteers,” she told a private gathering of Conservative party members after they elected her to succeed Boris Johnson as leader.
As the only media organisation present, e-Nos’ exclusive coverage of the event reveals the visionary scale of Truss’s dramatic new approach to No 10 leadership.
“Unless foreign countries sign trade deals with us – and we shall set out the terms very clearly – they can forget trying to sell their grossly overpriced wares to Great Britain,” she declared. “As I clearly demonstrated during my tenure as foreign secretary, this applies to everything – whether bananas from Brazil or silicon chips from Ceylon. Enough is enough, we say.”
In far-reaching plans to transform national spending, Truss also proposes suspension of membership fee payments to the United Nations and cancelling costly links to UN bodies such as the World Health Organisation, UNESCO, and UNICEF.
“The UN is undoubtedly the world’s most spendthrift organisation,” she said. “Its wastrel habits exceed even those of Brussels, which we have fortunately now escaped. Suspending membership payments will save us billions of pounds more – and we will increasingly use our Security Council veto to frustrate UN plans until our demands are met. Only then will membership fees resume, but on our terms this time.”
Highly expensive costs of being part of the World Food Organisation, the International Monetary Fund, and the World Bank are also in the firing line. “None deliver anything near value for money proportionate to our outgo,” she insisted. “We can use our undoubted position of strength to procure far more advantageous terms and begin long overdue reforms in the management of these bodies where inefficiency and failure are synonymous by-words.”
Foreign aid and distress relief budgets are also scheduled for the axe. “Charity begins at home, especially as so much of what we give away is totally wasted by the agencies concerned on inflated salaries and unjustified overheads,” she said. “We can spend it all far more effectively by doing it by ourselves.”
Much of the expected savings will be diverted to NATO – but on entirely new conditions. Instead of paying a percentage of gross domestic product towards NATO defence costs, Britain will make contributions in kind.
“Our share of NATO costs will actually rise in value but with the big difference that they will represent real value,” she promised. “We have a world-leading defence industry here in Britain and we can supply the full range of military needs – from modern naval vessels to the most advanced fighter aircraft, long-distance munitions deployment to high-tech surveillance and intelligence systems.
“We will channel our NATO spending into great British industries, with massive job creation and wealth stimulus for our hard-working British families who staff them so effectively, while giving our allies a much-needed boost in the volume, value, and quality of their defence materiel.”
Truss’s supporters cheered loudly when she told them that her new plans would keep at least £10 billion a week under British control instead of being handed over for others to spend. “Just think of it… that’s more than £500 billion a year,” she said as the audience rose to give her a standing ovation.
“What better way to counter the economic pressures that are being felt as a result of the Covid pandemic and the war in Ukraine. Some even call these pressures a crisis.
“But there is no crisis at all when we can free £10 billion a week to use as we see fit as self-reliant and productive British citizens, citizens of a great and illustrious nation,our own Great Britain, so dearly loved and respected at home and abroad.”
Truss’s plans are expected to be put before parliament when she is officially installed as prime minister in a few weeks’ time.
This news agency will continue with exclusive coverage as more details are revealed to us.
Note to editors: e-Nos’ mission is “relieving indigestion in governments’ information flow” – cracking stories that would otherwise remain undetected.
Fair to say here that Femi, as always, makes very good points. But you have to remember that he’s talking for England here. So, for example, he doesn’t reference the SNP as the third party, but the Liberals. Still, if you can ignore that, the rest of what he is saying makes good sense…. Oh and he does swear in it (only once), so you are forewarned.
AN AMERICAN kid got 0% for these answers in an exam. Seems unfair. Questions/answers:
Q – In which battle did Napoleon die?
A – His last battle.
Q – Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A – At the bottom of the page.
Q – The River Ravi flows in which state?
A – Liquid.
Q – What is the main reason for divorce?
A – Marriage.
Q – What is the main reason for failure?
A – Exams.
Q – What can you never eat for breakfast?
A – Lunch and dinner.
Q – What looks like half an apple?
A – The other half.
Q – If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what does it become?
A – Wet.
The teacher clearly lacks a sense of humour… oh, and Napoleon didn’t die in battle…
I‘mlike a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter. I can jog short distances.
“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” – Oscar Wilde
“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” – Will Rogers
“Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci
“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” – Bill Dane
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”- Phyllis Diller
“I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
“Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns
“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg
SOME further examples of the idiosyncrasies of the English language, set to verse.
We’ll begin with box; the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
The plural of man is always men,
But the plural of pan is never pen.
If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet,
And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?
If one is a tooth and the whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t two booths be called beeth?
If the singular’s this and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be ever called kese?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren;
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him;
But imagine the feminine … she, shis and shim.
Munguin wishes to express his gratitude to AndiMac, John, Erik, Brenda and Graham.He would put a Czech in the post, but the post is probably gonna be on strike soon,and in any case all the Czechs appear to have left for better places…like the Czech Republic. Not very handy for small animals trying to run intentional publishing houses.
THE pregnant woman went into labour and started shouting: “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?
After supporting everything that the Conservative government has done for so long, including pushing hard for Brexit and supporting the Johnson government though every incompetence known to man, the Daily Telegraph has taken the snit and decided that what they cheerleadered for is pretty much a pile of rubbish (or, insert other appropriate description).
The £350 million a week that was supposed to be a Brexit Bonus, has either failed to materialise (spoiler, that’s it) or, it wasn’t enough to save the NHS from collapsing.
The transport system is broken even if Liz Truss is going to drive all the trains at once.
There is a dire shortage of staff in every sector, for a lot of different reasons, not least because many Europeans have returned to the European Union, where they enjoy being treated as human beings and not foreign scroungers.
Brexit is not the sole reason for the mess, of course. The pandemic killed, or made extremely ill, many people, and others, usually older people, who became used to working from home, decided that they could no longer face office life, the commute, the terrible trains, the boss, etc, and they cashed in their pension plans and took early retirement.
Certainly Covid made many people reevaluate their lives.
The cost of living increases are massive. I don’t know where the Telegraph got the figure of 18%. I don’t think that the government is admitting to that, but the cost of fuel and food are probably pushing it in that direction. Here are just a few, but there are many many more on this page
Food item Price rise (%)
Low fat milk 34.0
Flour (all types) 29.7
Whole milk 28.1
Pasta products and couscous 24.4
Olive oil 23.6
Mineral waters 22.0
Sauces etc. 21.2
In the meantime, according to thatBBC web page, average wages, not including bonuses, rose by 4.7% in the year to June 2022. But when you take inflation into account, the real value of that pay actually fell by 3% compared to 12 months ago.
The war in Ukraine has had massive consequences across Europe, but most countries’ government have taken steps to limit the impact as much as is possible. Here, our prime minister has acted by taking holidays, having his wedding party and sneeringly telling us to suck it up because the Ukrainians are suffering more.
He is, of course, extremely unlikely to be hungry or cold this winter, as I’m sure that one of the donors he’s stuffed into the House of Aristos will arrange pay back for him on top of his enormous pension.
Neither will he be affected by the inability of schools to stay open 5 days a week nor care homes having to close because the private companies that they were sold to can’t afford the heating or food bills and local authorities have no money to bail them out.
Then, at least in England, dangerous levels of pollution have been caused by the dumping of millions of tonnes, sorry tons (we’re British, don’t you know), of effluent into rivers, which of course, end up running into the sea.
And in August, the height of the English holiday season, this is causing problems for south coast resorts as beaches are having to be closed because they are strewn with, for the want a better word, shit.
This is a particular blow this year when travel chaos means that many people are “staycationing” and presumably resorts hoped to make a killing of a different sort.
Of course, this does not only affect English holidaymakers and tourist attractions. Sewage doesn’t recognise international boundaries, and the French are now complaining that the English sewage is causing problems for beaches in the North of France, putting children, animals and fishing/fishermen at risk.
Note: Don’t eat English fish (or, it seems, French)!
I wonder how long it will be before the polluted water finds its way into Southern Scotland, where at least the local Tories voted for the relaxation of hygiene standards in England, and so won’t be bothered about eating polluted seafood.
But I do question how happy the British Fish are now, Mr Rees Mogg, you know, swimming their way through your waste products.
In the meantime the beauty contest to impress a hundred thousand or so elderly, white, middle class, well off, southern English Tories carries on like nothing is happening. It’s almost like Sunak and Truss don’t care that your granny and your kids will be cold and hungry this winter.
And not unreasonably, people who are looking forward to a cold hungry winter are so discontent with this fiasco that they are starting to strike for pay increases.
So a winter of discontent with a failed and useless government in charge. Frankly, we say, power to the strikers.
Please Europe, take Scotland back soon.
PS: While I was looking for the above illustration, I saw this…
Of course they have no shame, but as we won’t be able to afford to have lights on any more, they should be at least a little embarrassed.
The Chubby Eton Boy thinks you are an irrelevant twerp.
Just in case you didn’t know.
Dear Prime Minister,
We are aware that after a few holidays, in places various in Europe… yes EUROPE!!!! and a nice break at yourour country estate, you decided, for no particular reason, to fly, at our expense, to Kyiv, for a photo opportunity.
It has probably escaped your notice, what with you being busy relaxing, celebrating your marriage (it couldn’t have waited another couple of weeks?) posing for your picture in Kyiv, and generally having a good time on the beach or in yourour country estate, that there’s a few little crises going on here.
Just little things, I’m sure you’ll think, but the possibility that, as of October people will be facing £5 000 heating bills, and with inflation well into double figure for essential food items, and pay rises between 0% and 5% being offered, things are getting a little hard for the residents of your Global Britain. Or should that be Glo”al Bri’in?
You probably don’t know that while you were away on that well deserved rest, your deputy has been ill. At least we assume so as he hasn’t been seen. (Did he try swimming on an English beach and end up with dysentery?)
You see the relaxation of the rules on dumping sh*t into rivers, (was that another one of these Brexit bonuses?) has allowed the private water companies in England to pour vast quantities of untreated sewage into your rivers in England, probably saving them shed loads of money. Nice for a directorship, eh?
This to the point where many of the coastal towns in the south of your country, so dependent on tourism, particularly in August, and even more particularly this year given how difficult it is to fly or sail abroad, have had to close their beaches.
And the two joke contenders for your job (they are jokes, aren’t they… tell me they are, please) as yet another short-term prime minister, have been flogging themselves (their “intellects”, fortunately, not their bodies) up and down the countries (yes, even in Scotland… yep, that was a laugh) in some sort of competition as to who can seem the most unreasonable, unpleasant, inhuman and incompetent replacement for you.
You are, after all, a hard act to follow in all of these categories, and more.
Anyway, I digress.
I was wondering if you could possibly find time in your busy schedule over the next few weeks, while we are still paying you a generous salary to be the prime minister, to try to find some reassurance for some of my elderly neighbours who are worried sick about how to pay their grocery bills, and worse still, how they will manage to pay heating bills that may be over a third of their pensions, just in order to keep warm in this relatively cold North Atlantic group of countries.
Obviously, I wouldn’t want any of that to interfere with you amusement, eating, drinking, partying, carousing, (btw, that grandad drunk dancing at the wedding feast was pretty spectacular)… but you know, a few minutes’ work here and there, maybe instructing cabinet ministers (whom we are also still paying), to DO SOMETHING… maybe even something world beating (although, looking around Europe at the steps other prime ministers have taken, I fear you’ll have a job on).
Very best wishes for your future. You might like to buy yourself French citizenship, like your dad. Or they tell me that Brazil is a nice place if you like right wing nuts.
Look away if you consider yourself to be of a delicate disposition
Apparently blissfully unaware of the meaning of the word “Guru” (Sanskrit for mentor, guide, master), the S*n toiletpaper, sorry, nudes paper, sorry, what was that Munguin…? Oh, yeah news paper… whatever… has suggested that The Noble and Aristocratic Rt Hon Lord Frosty The No Man is to have a senior role in Liz Truss’s cabinet.
“BREXIT guru David Frost is being wooed for a major Cabinet job by Liz Truss, The S*n can reveal.”
In what way exactly is Frosty a Guru?
Anyhow, in a bit of an insult to democracy and to Brexiteers who voted to get rid of “unelected bureaucrats” running British lives, Truss appears to want to appoint him as Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster. Lancaster being the Queen’s private estate that pays her £20 million a year in personal income as the Duke of Lancaster, (so she’ll be alright for Sandringham and Balmoral electricity bills).
The department also serves, says the S*n, as the nerve centre of government. Whatever that means. But at least it given him more to do than count the queen’s dosh.
You will remember that His Lordship was responsible for the Brexit deal that he himself negotiated with his own noble hands, then calling it brilliant… a little later deciding it was rather less than brilliant… and more like a crock of what ever it is the Tories put into rivers and seas.
His Importantness won’t need to worry about being elected though, given the colour of the blood that runs through his veins, so he’ll be able to get right into the work of making a mess of doling out Mrs Saxe Coburg’s pocket money.
Asked how she would feel if she had to press the nuclear button and usher in global annihilation, Liz Truss replies that “I think it’s an important duty of the Prime Minister. I’m ready to do it.” (Adam Bienkov)
We need, however, to remember that Britain, although it pays for nuclear weapons, has no means of launching those weapons. They would thus require to ask for the launch codes from the USA.
To be fair, France, the other European nuclear power, would almost certainly NEVER use its weapons without checking with America first.
But while France could, Britain couldn’t.
So the final decision would be President Biden’s and not that airhead’s.
So, on Sunday, Munguin paid a visit to the Scottish Vintage Bus Museum, and took some photographs of the exhibits… and indeed had some photographs taken of himself taken.
Although not a self publicist of an animal, he did want to share some of them with you, given that he understand that besides Roddy, who holds the chair of buses in the Republic, there are others who will enjoy them (especially those in which himself makes an appearance, obviously).
I’ll publish some here, and save others for the “weekly bus” on “All Our Yesterdays”.