Month: October 2022

JUST FOR A LAUGH

1. Someone need to sniff their meds, I mean “take” their meds.

2. Just mailing a Nigerian prince who is interested in my Pork Markets.

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5. For lovers of Dad’s Army.

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How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?

One to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact -finding committee to discuss the over-use of LB24. After 10 months of debate, there will be an inquiry into the findings of this committee, and 21 members will discuss the ramifications. After a further year the Under-Secretary of Public Works will call a press conference to announce increased budget spending to increase efficiency of the Department.

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The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time. – Willie Tyler

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A PUZZLE. This fellow has eight stitches, a broken nose and a dislocated shoulder. But how did it happen? Here’s his story.

“I was sitting with my phone and my wife was watching her favourite TV programme. I asked her to fetch me a beer from the  kitchen. She said no, she was watching TV.

“I phoned her number. Her phone rang in the kitchen. She got up, went through and answered it.

“I said: ‘Seeing you’re there, can you fetch me a beer?’ After that I don’t remember anything at all …”

******

“You know you’re living in Britbin when your petrol light is on and your house lights are off.”

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“Tom, since when did you start wearing a G-string?”

“Since my wife found one in my car and I told her it was mine …”

******

THE three bears are out of work after the whole Goldilocks scandal.


They get offered a day’s work on a building site, and the foreman gives them a task and some picks.


Giving them their tools he says: , “Don’t lose them”.


After working all morning dinner arrives, and off they pop for lunch.
On returning from their break, they discover that their picks have gone.


Fearful of losing their jobs they reluctantly report it to their boss who starts laughing and sings.


“Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked”

******

HERE’S a politically correct version of an old nursery rhyme that will soon be sung in kindergartens and nursery schools all over.

Baa-baa non-specified colour grain-fed sheep,

Have you any cruelty-free wool?

Yes, gender-neutral person, yes, gender -neutral person,

Three recycled, eco-friendly bags full!

One for my nominal yet essentially equal superior, one for his/her consort,

And one for the little child, male or female being irrelevant, who lives down the lane.

******

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19. A single tree, attached by its roots (ie still growing in the earth) stopped a lorry with a load of 100 trees, detached from their roots (ie chopped down). If you want to stay strong, stay attached to your roots and your principles.

20. My father told me: if you make fun of someone, you will become like them. Since yesterday, I’m making fun of millionaires!

21. or Munguin!

22. I do hope it blows them out of the water…

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27. Ohh, a candlelit dinner. So romantic. What gave you the idea? …The power cut!

28. The Banana Island. How Britain made itself the laughing stock of Europe.

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30. I’m looking for the book “Ideal Man”. On the right on the “science fiction” shelf.

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Thanks to Brenda, John, TM, Eric, Graham

Double dose today because there were so many I liked… and Munguin is going to be taking some time off, so you’ll get some peace.

SOPPY SUNDAY

  1. Quit moaning. It has to be done if you are working for Munguin.

2. Mount Rainer.

3. I’m a little pup from Iraq. I’ve adopted one of you peoples. I might keep her if she’s good.

4. Silver Moth on an Indian Blanket Flower.

5. Now will you open? It’s always when I’m really hungry that I can’t get the wrapper off.

6. Turtles released back into the wild in Australia.

7. Peat stack on Lewis. Cruach-mhòine an Leòdhas . (Just to annoy the Tories)

8. Hummmmmmmm.

9. Are we there yet? I need to go to the bathroom…

10. Yep, it’s that time again. If you look out your window tonight, you may well see witches, especially if you live in Westminster.

11. YumYum at KKK, waiting for someone to get a round in!

12. I hope Munguin isn’t going to give you too many days off… you’re interrupting my snooze time.

13. What you got for eating?

14. Hey I’m over here if you have any bear treats.

15. Dalmore Beach, Lewis (and once again to annoy Tories whining about the use of our language) Tràigh Dhail Mòr Leòdhais.

16. Budge up a bit. My tail’s nearly off the edge of the bed.

17. Not another prime minister?

18. From social media: This guy followed my wife and son home from the park. he had a chip and we found the owner lived 25 miles away from us. We returned him and the next day we received a call from the owner asking us if we wanted to keep him. Meet Boomer.

19. Peek a boo, T’wit T’woo.

20. I’m back in my rightful place. Actually, the wee usurper wasn’t a bad lad after all, given that I was late for work, and once we got rid of his interfering mum, all worried about his hear, we played some good games together.

Munguin wants to say thank you to Quokka, John, Pat, Hannah, Kay and Claire and to remind you that you have an extra hour in bed today, depending on where you are in the world.

Bonus from Munguin

Where is luncheon, Factotum?

ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

  1. Daily News, New York, June 1931. Well, that’s you told!

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6. Field day for Roddy there.

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10. Further to the “Eagle” comic being featured, Jim sent me the sister comic “Girl” and one of the main stories in it about an air hostess. It made me think, immediately, of the film “The Runaway Bus” and it seemed to me that the “Girl” Air Hostess character might have been drawn using Pet Clark’s role as the model. It’s a pretty awful film, but Margaret Rutherford is, as always, brilliant and funny, Frankie is his usual daft self and Petula is just Petula.

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Thanks to Marcia, Jim and Dave. (And no thanks to WordPress who have once again changed how the page load works…)

SOME LIGHT RELIEF

  1. Most monkeys are probably smarter than that

2. Put it in the garden shed

3. Resigned to spend more time with the family.

4. Sounds like my kind of will.

5. I’m sure he has a chauffeur to do that boring stuff for him.

6. Apparently Musk has lifted the Twitter Ban on the Orange faced one. Look forward to more embarrassing tweets.

7. Anyone got a solution?

8. Me to.

9. Damned peoples.

10. Strikers can be handy. (Because of the strikers my mother-in-law can’t come at Christmas. Hold on Guys!)

NORMALLY A NEW GOVERNMENT IS CUT SOME SLACK..

Also this:

Also, with respect, interviewer, when there is discourse between a man and a woman sometimes a woman will explain things to a man; sometimes the man will explain things to a woman.

From schools, colleges, universities, work, social interaction… that’s how it happens.

It does you no credit to call “mansplaining” as a put down, because the guy was about to explain,presumably to you and an audience, how the EU/Euro situation works…

He knew, you didn’t. If you don’t want a man to explain something, don’t interview men.

“YOU MUST RESPECT THE VOTE OF THE PEOPLE IN 2014”

SAYS THE PRIME MINISTER WHO LOST THE VOTE 2 MONTHS AGO

Ahhh, the stench of Brit Democracy first thing in the morning*

There is, it seems, one rule for Jocks and another rule for Tories.

Mr Sunak seems to think that a referendum for 8 years ago is binding, but a vote from the Tory membership 2 months ago is not.

That’s not very respectful to his members and from what I heard many of them will have left the Tory party in the last few days, given that their wishes seem not to count.

In further insults to Scotland Mr Sunak lied about waiting times in hospitals in Scotland and insisted that he intended to take power over some devolved issues including health.

He wants an “all Britain” government. So he doesn’t respect the referendum results which set up the Scottish parliament.

He’s turning out to be a right little dictator.

*Interestingly, during his campaign with the Tory Party members when he lost to Truss, he insisted that he wanted to see punishment for people who vilify Britain.

(Can anyone make it clear the distinction between criticise and vilify?)

So, Munguin and I are looking forward to being sent to the tower or a reeducation centre where we will be taught to love Snarls and sing GSTK in England’s green and pleasant land.

Maybe it will just be The Sunak Youth (although Munguin says I’m far too old for that, but accepts that he requires a factotum at all times and will need protection lest Cruellen turns up for a training session).

If so, could you (if you are not sent there too) send cake for me and a regular supply of good quality vintage champagne for Munguin (a list of suitable brands is available on request).

**********

Here’s something to cheer you up.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

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Well done, Sangita. What a repugnant man Jerry is.

And he confirms my suspicions that, although very clearly Rishi was the better of the two candidates last time round, the membership didn’t vote for him because of the colour of his skin. Bravo Jerry.

Oh, and Jerry, you probably won’t like this, but Britain is more than England, ya racist muppet.

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I wonder who it will be by Christmas… Also, how’s Truss feeling right now?

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Chris Bryant

“I would like to pay tribute to Johnson for providing the nation with a list of Tory MPs who believed he hadn’t done enough damage last time (in some cases despite telling him to step down only a few months ago). We will remember.”

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Nicola Sturgeon

Congratulations to RishiSunak

– I wish him well and, notwithstanding our political differences, will do my best to build a constructive working relationship with him in the interests of those we serve.

That he becomes the first British Asian to become PM is a genuinely significant moment. It certainly makes this a special #Diwali

As for the politics, I’d suggest one immediate decision he should take and one he certainly should not. He should call an early General Election. And he should not – must not – unleash another round of austerity. Our public services will not withstand that.

For Scotland, of course, he becomes another PM we did not and, without doubt would not, vote for even if given the chance.

To escape the damage of Westminster governments with no mandate here, and take our future into our own hands, Scotland needs independence.

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JUST FOR A LAUGH

Extended Edition

1. I note that between August and October the price has increased for 80p to 90p. 12.5% increase.

I ATE a salad for dinner.

Mostly croutons and tomatoes.

Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.

And cheese.

Okay, it was pizza.

I ate a pizza.

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6. Ewww, don’t say that in front of Jacob Rees Mogg… or thou shalt be smote by Nanny.
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8. Just like Scotland.
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·    Mum taught me to  appreciate a job well done – “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

·    She taught me religion – “You better pray that mark will come out of the carpet.”

·    Dad taught me about time travel – “If you don’t straighten up I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week,”

·    He taught me logic – “Because I said so, that’s why.”

·    Mum taught me more logic. – “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

·    She taught me foresight. – “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

·     Dad taught me irony. – “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

·    Mum taught me about the science of osmosis. – “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

·    She taught me about contortionism. –  “Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck.”

·    She taught me about stamina. – “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

·    She taught me about weather. – “That room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

·    She taught me about hypocrisy. – “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.”

·    She taught me about behaviour modification. – “Stop acting like your father!”

·    She taught me about envy. – There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don’t have wonderful p[arents like you do.”

·    She taught me about anticipation. – “Just wait until we get home!”

·    She taught me about receiving. – “ You’re going to get it from your father when he gets home.”

·    She taught me medical science. – “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to get stuck that way.”

·    She taught me about extra-sensory perception. – “Put your sweater on! Don’t you think I know when you’re cold?

·    Dad taught me humour.  – When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me!”

·    Mum taught me how to become and adult. – “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up!”

·    She taught me genetics. “You’re just like your father!”

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Crazy script in Old Blighty

YOU couldn’t make it up. Is this a Charlie Chaplin movie? Boris Johnson gets the boot as prime minister in Old Blighty, he gets the heave-ho from his Tories who are sick of him. Liz Truss takes over with a play-play economic programme possibly learned on the Monopoly board. There’s an outcry from everywhere – the Bank of England, the financial funds, from all over the world – and the pound sterling plummets. Ordinary working people are about to take a financial hammering.

Truss then fires her chancellor and gets in a middle-of-the-road Tory who’s doing his best to sort out the mess. There’s chaos in the House of Commons, strong-arm stuff on Tory MPs who might be thinking of voting the wrong way.

And then – flourish of trumpets – Truss resigns after 44 days in No 10. The Tory bosses have got tired of this script.

So they have to find another prime minister. Who? There seems no obvious candidate. A fresh election is out of the question because the Tories are 39 points behind in the opinion polls.

But now – trumpets again, tara tara! –it seems Bojo is in the running again. It seems his hat could have been in the ring for the vote over the weekend by MPs. If he’s among  candidates getting more than 100 votes, those results will be put to the party members and that’ll be a shoo-in for Bojo. The greengrocers on the ground love him. We should know today.

This is a crazy script, I know. But, as those Ancient Greeks used to say: “Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.”

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Blonde lettuce

BRITISH newspaper the Daily Star – which takes a lighter view of things – set up an iceberg lettuce wearing a blonde wig, and put it on its webcam.

The idea: to see who would have the longer shelf life – the lettuce or Prime Minister Liz Truss.

It was a close thing. The lettuce was going brownish. But then Liz Truss resigned.

The caption changed from: “Will Liz Truss outlast this lettuce?” to “The lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

And they placed a crown on the lettuce.

The way things are going, this could turn out to be the only reliable gauge of matters political.

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26. I think “River” would have been a more appropriate sign.

Olympic star

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: “Everyone’s heard of Karl Marx. But few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.”

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

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Many thanks to:

John, Graham, Lexie, Erik, PP, TM, Brenda, BLeP, Hetty. I hope I’ve not left anyone out or Munguin will skin me alive.

SOPPY SUNDAY

1. This is my assistant. She’ll help me guide you round Soppy Sunday.
2. What’s that you got there?
3. I spy with my little eye, someone beginning with M …
4. Just making these peoples a cup of tea.
5. Yuk, can’t stand tea myself, although tea leaves are OK.
6. Hello, my name is Rocky but you can call me Rocky. OK?
7. Are you my mummy?
8. The KKK Vet KliniK in Srem. Nurse Claire, Operating Table Martin and Patient Ziggy.
9. Keep you head on… you silly burd.
10. Sperlinga Castle, Italy. Dodgy stairs.
11. Walk in the Angus countryside. Picnic table in the perfect place.
12. The Boobies have hatched (as it were).
12. I needed that.
13. Wonder if we can get in. That looks a good place for a snooze.
14. So true.
15. Postbox in the Scottish countryside.
16. Don’t panic. I’m only yawning.
17. Never mind them… Look at me. I’m cute.
18. All smile for the family photo.
19. Can I get my photo in too. I’m smiling.
20. OK, that’s your lot. If you want more you have to pay extra. Munguin’s rules.

Munguin wishes to thank Quokka, John and all the animals in the pictures including the peoples. Czechs in the post.