THIS FIRST ONE (UNNUMBERED) IS BY WAY OF A BONUS, WHICH ANDIMAC SENT ONCE THE PAGE WAS DONE. IT’S SO FUNNY AND TOPICAL THAT WE DECIDED IT SHOULD BE ADDED AND GIVEN PRIDE OF PLACE.
New virus affliction makes appearance
BAD news on the virus front, I’m afraid. A new one has arrived – Nile virus, type C. It appears to target those born between 1940 and 1970.
· You send the same message twice.
· You send a blank message.
· You send a message to the wrong person.
· You send it back to the person who sent it to you.
· You forget to attach the attachment.
· You hit SEND before you’ve finished.
· You hit DELETE instead of SEND.
· You SEND when you should DELETE.
This is called the C-Nile virus.
And if you can’t admit to the above symptoms, you’ve caught the mutant strain. This is the D-Nile virus.
4.This, I should explain, is from Graham, whose name you will have seen before on JFAL. John introduced me to him by email the other day. I’m somewhat embarrassed that he is another journalist and mate of John’s of long standing. I’m surrounded these days by proper writers …frightening. Anyway, John has decided that Graham will be opening a Munguin bureau in Durban. I just hope he’s not looking for a Czech in the post. I’m going to run out of them soon.So, anyway, thanks for the jokes, Graham. I look forward to a fruitful collaborationwhere you send Munguin material and he …erm smiles benignly.
To the point
SOME more pithy stuff from American comic genius Steve Wright:
· If everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.
· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
· When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
· Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
· Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
· I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
· What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
· Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
· If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
· A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
· Experience is something you can’t get until just after you need it.
· The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
· To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln
Orbit of beer
BEER is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
· I hate it when a couple argue in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
· When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask: “Why, what did you hear?”
· I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
· When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
· Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
· Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
WELL, WE CERTAINLY WOULDN’T WANT THAT, NOW WOULD WE?
So, we’ll try hard not to mention…
Matt Hancock being found guilty in a court of law over contracts handed out to mates… and yet NOT being sacked
Gavin Williamson breaking the official secrets act… and being sacked because, the then PM had at least SOME integrity.
Priti Patel and her secret meetings with the Israeli gov concerning paying them illegal money, about which she lied twice to the prime minister and her officials, and was sacked, because, once again the then prime minister had some integrity.
Boris illegally proroguing parliament, at considerable expense and lying to the head of state, for which of course he didn’t get sacked because by this time HE was prime minister and it is highly likely that he hasn’t ever heard the word “integrity”.
Oh yes and there’s this bloke … You may recognise him:
He was the defence secretary and he wanted to have his friend working with him in the Ministry of Defence, but he thought that maybe the prime minister of the day wouldn’t approve, because he too had at least some measure of integrity, so he didn’t tell him.
And so his friend didn’t get any security clearance to be in one of the most top secret departments of the government, wandering around like he owned it.
Adam Werritty (born 18 July 1978) is a Scottish businessman. Werritty is a friend of the former UK Secretary of State for Defence and ex Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox. He lived for a period in 2002 and 2003 at Fox’s London flat and was best man at his wedding in 2005. The two were also business associates who once held joint investments in the healthcare consultancy firm UK Health. Werritty was reportedly an adviser of Fox’s and is known to have accompanied him on at least 18 foreign business trips between 2009 and 2011. In 2007, when Fox was shadow Defence Secretary, they both attended a meeting with the Gulf Research Centre. Werritty was also appointed by Fox as the chief executive of the now disbanded conservative Atlanticist think-tank, “The Atlantic Bridge“.
Werritty made visits to Fox at the Ministry of Defence (MoD) in Whitehall on 22 occasions in 16 months; Werrity was not security-cleared with the MoD. Additionally, over a 17-month period, ending October 2011, Werritty was present at 40 of Fox’s 70 recorded engagements. The uncertain nature of Werritty’s relationship with Fox led to an investigation by senior civil servants, initially the MoD’s Permanent Secretary, Ursula Brennan and latterly the Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O’Donnell. Fox claimed that Werrity had never worked for him either in an official or unofficial capacity despite allegations that he was using a source of advice outside the Civil Service, paid for by private funds. Disclosure of increasing amounts of detail of their contact, funding and explanations of their relationship led to Fox’s resignation on 14 October 2011 in advance of O’Donnell’s report of his investigation.
Overview of all foreign trips with Fox
Between February 2009 and 2011 Werritty was in Fox’s company on many trips abroad:
Israel, February 2009.
Singapore, 4–6 June 2010.
Dubai, 7–8 June 2010.
Florida, 2–3 July 2010.
Dubai, 6–8 August 2010.
Washington DC September 2010
Bahrain, 2–6 December 2010.
Dubai, 17–22 December 2010.
Hong Kong, 16–23 January 2011.
Israel, 6–7 February.
Switzerland, 17–21 February.
Dubai, April 2011.
Abu Dhabi, 14–18 April 2011.
Florida/Washington, 22–25 May 2011.
Hong Kong, 31 May – 1 June 2011.
Singapore, 2–6 June 2011.
Sri Lanka, July 2011.
Dubai, 17 June 2011.
Washington DC, 30 June – 3 July 2011.
Spain, 5–9 August.
Honestly, DOCTOR Fox, you make Patel look like a rank amteur at corruption.
In March 2010, Fox admitted breaking parliamentary rules on two occasions by visiting Sri Lanka on a trip paid for by the Sri Lankan government without declaring the trip in the Register of Members’ Financial Interests in the required time of 30 days and failing to declare an interest in Sri Lanka when asking ministers how much UK aid had been given to Sri Lanka. Fox has declared all of his trips to Sri Lanka paid for by the Sri Lankan government in the Register of Members’ Financial Interests. One trip he took in November 2007 was declared two months late. Fox blamed a “changeover of staffing responsibilities” for this error. Of the five trips to Sri Lanka mentioned in the BBC article, three were paid for fully by the Sri Lankan government. Those not paid in full by the Sri Lankan government were paid for by the Sri Lankan Development Trust.
Fox stated that he had been working for ‘all sides of the ethnic divide’: “I have been involved in attempts to promote peace and reconciliation in Sri Lanka, involving all sides of the ethnic divide, since I was a foreign minister in 1997. During my most recent visit, I spoke at a press conference to outline my reasons for being there. The declaration of the visit you refer to in November 2007 was highlighted in an end-of-year audit following a changeover of staffing responsibilities. The registrar was immediately notified and my register entry was updated accordingly. All visits have been fully declared on the House of Commons Register of Members’ Interests and are therefore public knowledge and entirely legitimate. I do, however, recognise that when asking one question in 2008, I should have noted an interest and will be writing to the registrar to make this clear”.
Then there’s this…
In March 2010, Fox appealed Sir Thomas Legg‘s decision that he had overclaimed £22,476 in mortgage interest payments. Fox immediately repaid the money, then appealed the decision. Fox’s appeal was rejected and the decision was upheld by Sir Paul Kennedy, a former high court judge. Fox stated that his decision to remortgage his second home to pay for redecorations and claim the higher interest repayments on his expenses represented value for money because he could have charged the taxpayer for the decorating bills directly. In his response, Sir Paul Kennedy stated: “What you claimed was not recoverable under the rules then in force. I entirely accept that, like many others, you could have made other claims if the fees office had rejected your claims for mortgage interest, and that you may well have spent some of what you raised by increasing your mortgage on your constituency home, but the evidence is imprecise, and my terms of reference only allow me to interfere if I find special reasons in your individual case showing that it would not be fair and equitable to require repayment, either at all or at the level recommended.” This reportedly made him the Conservative Shadow Cabinet member with the largest over-claim on expenses, and as a result, he has been forced to repay the most money.
It was reported in June 2009 that Fox claimed expenses of more than £19,000 over the previous four years for his mobile phone. Fox stated that the high bill was due to regular trips overseas, in his capacity as Shadow Defence Secretary and said he was looking for a cheaper tariff.
In October 2012, the Commons Speaker blocked the release of data showing which MPs were renting their homes to other MPs for financial gain. However, a study of parliamentary records was published in the Daily Telegraph. The study showed that Liam Fox receives rental income from his London home while simultaneously claiming rental income from the taxpayer to live at another residence.
In October 2013, documents showed that Fox claimed 3p for a 100 metre car trip a year earlier. He also made an additional 15 claims under £1 for car travel approved in 2012–13, two of which were for 24p and 44p. He told the Sunday People: “I don’t do my expenses. My office does them. But they are all done according to the rules for travel distances.”
If I had your record Mr Fox, I’d never again mention anyone bringing your united Kingdom into disrepute.
So, looking at the points they make, they are telling us that if they win, the SNP will want to hold a referendum. OK, we know that.
They are telling us that the SNP will hold an illegal referendum. I’m not sure that they will.
They seem to have forgotten that the Green Party also want a referendum. So it’s not a matter of stopping the SNP. It’s also a matter of stopping the Green Party surely. Or did they let their visceral hatred for the SNP overcome their critical faculties there?
They are, of course, probably right to say that Labour and the Liberal Democrats don’t have much of a chance of winning, but in honesty, the Tories are just as unlikely to win. They cite the fact that they have 31 seats while Labour only has 24.
But that was before. And this is now.
Now we have…
Brexit! Remember the Scottish Tories were dead against it and indeed told us that it would be a catastrophe for Scotland…
Which was fine, until the English voted for it. Then, suddenly it was the best thing since Eton Mess and we were holding all the cards, which turned out to be jokers.
2.Johnson! Yes. Him. No one imagined at the last election that the prime minister would ever be Boris Mop Head Johnson. It was just as likely to be Jacob Rees Mogg. Enough said!
3. Covid-19!This sort of ties in with Johnson, because it’s not Johnson alone that is the nightmare. It’s also the people with whom he surrounds himself. Some folk might have had a measure of respect for Cameron or even May… and their cabinets certainly included some respected and respectable ministers.
And then there was Johnson’s Cabinet.
The leadership from this 5th rate bunch has been chaotic during the pandemic as you might have expected, given how inexperienced and unsuited to high office they are.
President Biden made a moving speech last night talking about the disastrous Covid death rate in the USA. But England’s death rate, per capita, is far higher.
There have been 1918 deaths per million in England, which I think is the highest in the world, whilst in the USA 1508 deaths per million.
Incidentally there have been 1272 deaths per million in Scotland.
4. D Ross. OK, we know he’s only a branch manager with absolutely no power to change anything unless it is specifically granted by Downing Street (which these days, in the absence of Mr Cummings [who had an opticians appointment] is rumoured to be run by Johnson’s girlfriend).
The Rt Honourable Noble and Gallant Baroness Lady Colonel Davidson may have been a bit petty, not particularly clever and too ready to shout her mouth off… but by comparison with the part-time linesman… she looked reasonably good…even without her Ermine.
And so, I wouldn’t be sure that this time round they will have so many votes.
It’s interesting that they note that neither Labour branch office leadership candidate will back a unionist pact.
They are, perhaps, mindful of what happened when the Liberal Democrats, with 57 seats, did a deal with the Tories back in 2014 and found that at the next election that they had lost 49 of them…
They may also remember that Labour hitched its wagon to the Tory horse in the 2014 referendum in Scotland… and at the next election they lost 40 of their 41 seats… something that makes the Liberal Dem’s losses fade into relative obscurity…although not Clegg’s personal loss, given that he lost his own seat (something of a habit for recent Liberal-Dem leaders).
So, as Wee Skribbles points out, nothing much in the way of policy there in the main areas over which the Scottish government has any say.
Is that because a Tory government in Edinburgh wouldn’t need any policies because they would hand back power to England and that Johnson’s government hasn’t yet come up with any policies, their elections being 3 years away?
You remember I had the brilliant idea of a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland to beat the customs in the middle of the sea? I mean you can’t have a customs post on a bridge can you, in the middle of the windy sea? So, they’d have to give in on that one. Noh nah nah nah nah, EU. You didn’t see that coming!
Then I had an even better idea. (They don’t call me Boris Idea Johnson for nothing, you know.) I decided to build these ungrateful jocks a tunnel. I mean you can’t have a customs post in the middle of tunnel miles underground, can you? Very unhealthy. Got the foreign Johnnies again!
Then it came to me in another one of my flashes of inspiration and genius.
Why not build a few more tunnels? One from Stranraer in Haggis Land, one from Larne in Paddy Land and two from our own dear green and pleasant England. And…and wait for it, this is the really clever bit… have a ROUNDABOUT under the Isle of Man?