WE IS THE MASTER RACE

Paint everything red, white and blue and call it Great British and the thicko Jocks will lap it up.

And then send Kate Middleton up with her drippy husband and tell her to wear loads of tartan. The Jocks aren’t bright enough to find that patronising.

I was in Lidl last night and was amazed to find green, red and yellow peppers in a plastic bag covered in union jacks. Great British Peppers I thought as I put them back. I’m sure that peppers can be grown in the southern part of England or possibly in greenhouses, but I’m these ones came from Spain and were packed in Britain.

Then there was a section of Great British Cheeses including I noticed, some with suspiciously foreign names. Just some mistake by the staff, I’m sure.

In my efforts to find food that wasn’t covered with jacks, I did discover some really nice French ham, some German sausage and some lovely Spanish chorizo, so all is not lost, and along in Aldi (much better), I got some nice Scottish cheese.

Honestly, Brits, we’re really not that thick.

In the meantime, to cheer me up, show me Brits taking back control in foreign parts:

Now look here, foreigners, we’re British, we should be allowed to fight on your streets and wreck the place if we wish. You’re only foreigners. Mind your place.

Football fans and drink should never be allowed to mix.

Taking back control of thuggery, eh?

JUST FOR A LAUGH

If it looks like a Donkey, acts like a Donkey, sounds like a Donkey, chances are it’s a fcucking Donkey @RobertJenrick #DonkeyBollucks #HorseSh1t @BBCBreakfast cr:@MrJonNewton pic.twitter.com/yt4l3nHj5z

— Lucky Man🇬🇧🇪🇺 (blue tick pending) (@luckyma_man) May 27, 2021

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THE plane flies into turbulence. It’s bucking like a boat in a storm. To take the passengers’ minds off it, a stewardess starts wheeling the drinks trolley down the aisle.

“Would you like a drink?” she asks a fellow.

“Yes please.”

“What’ll you have?”

“Whatever it is the pilot’s having.”

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A SMALL boy goes camping in the woods with his dad for the first time. After they’ve set up camp he asks his dad where he can go to the toilet.

“That’s the beauty of camping in the woods. You can go to the toilet wherever you want.”

After five minutes or so, the youngster wanders back to the campfire.

“So, where did you go to the toilet then, son?”

“In your tent.”

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A FELLOW goes up to the bar in an officers’ club. “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.”

Retired colonel further down the bar: “Sah! You’re talking about the woman I love!”

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Thanks to John, Erik, Graham, Brenda and Andi.

SOPPY SUNDAY

1. Morning. Just shouting at some trespassers there…

2. Dilara, rescue horse from Bulgaria.

3. Super blood moon over Glasgow.

4. Moooo, we think.

5. The bed ain’t big enough, Munguin!

6. How many kinds of sweet flowers grow in a Bulgarian country garden? Well, I think this is Pink Lady Evening Primrose?

7. My favourite burn, Gurgles, in the village of Liff. Down to a trickle two weeks ago, now a raging torrent.

8. And just a bit down the road, the Garlic is flowering along with bluebells.

9. I wonder if them birds want to join in our game, bro…

10. Melanistic Fox… rare.

11. Why is your nose all wet? Does your human not have a hanky?

12. Chilly up here.

13. Elephant Rock in Iceland. (Fílarokk).

14. There are the first class accommodations.

15. Pink Robin.

16. Phnom Penh.

17. Bulgarian Wood Anemone (I think).

18. Um, WOL’s the name. Being smart is the game.

19. So I hear that Boris Johnson’s made a mess of the fisheries? Want me to see to him?

20. Right that’s it. I’m off to play for the rest of the day.

Thanks to John, RS, Andi, Hannah.

ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

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Thanks to John, Marica and Dave.

WHY IS LABOUR DOING SO BADLY IN ENGLAND?

Westminster voting intention:

CON: 44% (+6)

LAB: 33% (-5)

LDEM: 8% (-)

GRN: 6% (+1)

via @Survation, 25-26 May Changes compared with 29 April.

I thought after 10 years of Tory government, austerity, the problems of Brexit the mishandling of the Covid crisis to such an extent that the UK had more deaths per capita than any other country, despite having a good deal more warning than many, and with a clearly incompetent and dishonest prime minister… that with a clever, articulate, relatively non controversial leader, Labour might have expected to make some progress.

Wrong though.

OK, Starmer probably lacks the “star quality” of BoJo the Clown, but surely his education and training as a lawyer, his ability to formulate competent arguments and present them in an articulate manner (as opposed to Johnson’s stuttering and stumbling half sentences and mainly made up nonsense) along with the fact that he is establishment, proved with a knighthood, and his holding of a senior post in the English legal system, would have made him a more than serious match for Johnson.

But, despite the fishing crisis, the farming crisis, the northern Ireland crisis, the chronic mishandling of Covid et al, the polls remain puzzlingly substantially against him.

I accept that the bulk of the newspapers are more or less with Johnson, but I’m not sure who reads newspapers nowadays, so I’m at a loss.

Anyone got ideas?

DON’T WORRY. YOU CAN LIE WITH IMPUNITY. IT’S AGAINST THE RULES TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT

The @CommonsSpeaker has just told MPs

“Members should not state or imply other members are lying”

Heaven help us pic.twitter.com/m8qQMCO29s

— Peter Stefanovic (@PeterStefanovi2) May 27, 2021

I’m reminded of Dennis Skinner MP, who once said in the Commons: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks.”

When the Speaker told him to withdraw, he retorted. “OK, half the Tory members aren’t crooks.”

But Dennis is sharp. Most of them aren’t.

Come on STV. You must be able to do better than this?

STV News@STVNews

Queen Elizabeth University Hospital in Glasgow recorded most coronavirus deaths in Scotland, new data shows.

Well, duh! Of course it did. It’s the biggest hospital in Scotland and it’s in the biggest city in Scotland. So, it’s hardly news?

I bet if you check up you’ll find out that the smallest hospitals in Scotland probably had the fewest deaths.

News?

OH DEAR, WHAT A MESS. NEVER MIND, EVERYONE SING A ROUSING CHORUS OF “RULE BRITANNIA ÜBER ALLES” AND IT WILL BE OK

OH LOOK, THERE’S A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY…OH AND A SQUIRREL

Thank goodness we can’t get Covid!

I’m no fan of Dominic Cummings, as Munguin will tell you, but some of his testimony in today’s hearing is rather damning, especially for Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock. And it is difficult to believe that he would risk making it all up. Unlikeable he may be; reckless he may be, but stupid, I suspect, he is not.

I’m also at a loss to know why the BBC terminated televising the session before its end?

“Murder She Wrote” rerun, maybe?

Everyone else was saying Health Secretary Matt Hancock is completely incapable of doing the job so he can’t be responsible – Dominic Cummings pic.twitter.com/4gxPyXrw9K

— Phantom Power (@PhantomPower14) May 26, 2021

WATCH: Dominic Cummings says Matt Hancock committed 10-15 sackable offences during the pandemic and should have been fired pic.twitter.com/4TKXvZgcVq

— The National (@ScotNational) May 26, 2021

"When the public needed us most, the government failed."

Dominic Cummings makes a stark admission – we fucked up. pic.twitter.com/knZJO4Ywsq

— PoliticsJOE (@PoliticsJOE_UK) May 26, 2021

It is, however, a great relief to know that that no lesser a person that Grant Shapps (some of you may know him by other names such as Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox) tells us that the British public are more interested in the success of the vaccine roll out.

Transport Secretary Grant Shapps says the UK public are more interested in the success of the #COVID19 vaccine rollout "rather than a side show over a former adviser who has his own agenda."

Follow live: https://t.co/6O8ETqZ0sB pic.twitter.com/xE7LCAuBZC

— Sky News (@SkyNews) May 26, 2021

It’s comforting to be informed how we feel about such important matters by “people” of such distinction.

There was me being all cross and concerned about all the dead bodies.

I DON’T THINK I LIKE THIS VERY MUCH

A Scottish parent living in Bradford has expressed concern that their young child is having to take part in “One Britain One Nation” week at their primary school.

The week involves pupils dressing up in red, white and blue and singing an “anthem” called “One Britain One Dream”, which ends with the repeating lines “Strong Britain Great Nation”.

Regardless of my nationality, I’d be extremely wary of allowing my child to take part in this kind of so clearly political festival.

Particularly as it’s so plainly not true that we are one nation (given that we are actually three nations and a province) and that there is a massive divide between the way that Scotland and England vote (ie how we want to live our lives), whether in UK elections or UK referenda.

The idea that we should be teaching kids that we are united, strong, or great, is an insult to education and has a rather scary overtone.

Frighteningly it brings to mind 1930s Germany…

As John O’Connell so rightly said: “Ein Volk, Ein Reich”.

GLOBAL LITTLE BRITAIN

When even the ex-PM of Australia takes the piss out of UK-Australia trade deal…pic.twitter.com/coUzlpdAF2

— Dr Mike Galsworthy (@mikegalsworthy) May 21, 2021

Thanks to Brenda for drawing my attention to this.

And thanks to Mike for putting it up on Twitter.