MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT
“SEX IS BETTER
ON HOLIDAY”….
NOT THE BEST
POSTCARD I’VE
EVER RECEIVED!
2.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.
The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about £9000. £4000 for materials, £4000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me.”
The Polish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for £7000. £3000 for materials, £3000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me.”
The Tory party donor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the Tory Party official and whispers, “£27,000.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Tory Donor whispers back, “£10,000 for me, £10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Poland to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the Tory party official.
And that, my friends, is how this Tory government works.
4.
TURKISH proverb: When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, The place becomes a circus.
Yes, and I guess you could say that about all kinds of government buildings.
7.
I saw this municipal worker crushing a snail. I asked him why. He said it had been following him all day long.
11.
She: “I’ve got blisters on my hands from the broom.”
He (from behind his newspaper): “Take the car next time.”
AN ELDERLY gent had hearing problems but the doctor was able fit hearing aids that fixed it 100 percent. A month later he’s back at the doctor’s for a follow-up.
“Your hearing’s still 100 percent. Your family must be very pleased.”
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around listening to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.”
17.
That massacre, expressed in verse…
England is a cup of tea.
France, a wheel of ripened brie.
Greece, a short, squat olive tree.
America is a gun.
Brazil is football on the sand.
Argentina, Maradona’s hand.
Germany, an oompah band.
America is a gun.
Holland is a wooden shoe.
Hungary, a goulash stew.
Australia, a kangaroo.
America is a gun.
Japan is a thermal spring.
Scotland is a highland fling.
Oh, better to be anything
Than America as a gun.
19.
Thanks to Brenda, Andi, John, Brendan, Graham, Erik.
Bonus:
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
I like most of them, but number 16 gives me nightmares.
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I never thought to give you a warning, DonDon, because they looked such friendly wee spiders… and of course I didn’t expect to see you playing on a park plaything!
I give you fair warning though, Quokka has sent a pic for Soppy Sunday next week that will having you calling for help!
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Ah, of course – TWO spiders! all the more reason to invest in 22 and stock up on Brenda Boak Bags. Fortunately, those of us in furrin pairts will be spared the worst of the excesses, although I well remember having a whoopee time at the bonfires, parties, and sports days as a very wee schoolboy 70 years ago.
Quickly learned the error of my ways as these schooldays advanced and history was discovered. Been a very vocal independence advocate ever since. At least 65 of the 70. Is that not real cause for celebration? Yes, of course. It’s been a long wait but the end is now in sight. Large Black Ram please!
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There’s no sign here, John.
Tesco is the only place I’ve seen anything… and Derek sent me a pic of the flags in Sainsbury, but I never shop there. Both are English stores and probably one policy fits all.
I bet they don’t so it in Northern Ireland.
Jackson Carlaw has complained that Glasgow Council isn’t organising anything out of respect for her magisterial magnificence.
Apparently the English government is providing screens in Edinburgh so that people can watch it all. I suppose the English government doesn’t know that we have Baird Televisers in this country.
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In ’78 I should have been present at two events, but as luck would have have it, I was taking my O LGrade exams on those days. I haven’t seen Brenda since ’63.
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” . . . since ’63” When I was two years old.
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“Large Black Ram please!”. I saw a large black Ram today. It was an American-style pick-up truck. Or do you mean a bluck tup?
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‘Cherena Ofta’ as we call it in Bulgarski. It’s distilled and blended in Scotland but shipped in bulk for local bottling. Very passable whisky and best value going. But… the price has just gone up, no doubt yet another Brexit bonus. A goliamo (large) tot of 100ml now costs a whole 2.00 leva, up from 1.80, more than 10%! £1 will get you 2.20 leva, so just do the sums. Almost a £ for what would be a quadruple in Scotland. Outrageous! On my meagre pension, I’ll just have to cut back to three or four a night.
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A scandal!!!
I should write to the Daily Mail about it!!!
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Ha ha ha… when John says a large Black Ram, it has to be small enough to fit in a glass.
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Happily her paths and mine have never crossed!
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All excellent thanks loads for the laughs. I would say number 13 should be ‘last chance saloon’ but that’s not how it works in the English government/cabal.
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Just lie and change all the rules and then promise Knighthoods and Lordinesses to anyone who looks like thy might kick off.
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Number 9 is very good, the illustrator has captured Johnson perfectly.
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We had a wee game last night, to find the stupidess jubilee product.
Winner was
A union jack bowtie for your French miniture poodle, only £12. plus p&p
Just for a laugh try it but don’t buy the tat.
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Could add that it was almost certainly made in China!!!!
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But there’s a war on.
Foodback use up and you can spend £12 on a coloured bit of cloth, folded intoa bowtie, for the dog.
See the media fall into place with pepper pig gate in Paris and Imperial units.
Pity the Dover transport problem is missed.
The garden of englandland will be introducing free spades to bury the waste to reduce the stench when the sun gets up.
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Must be a nightmare to live down there now.
Still long queues to lorries and as far as I know, no facilities.
I saw Mr François was on Good Morning Britain telling people that now we were free we could sell things in imperial measures. I suppose he’s never bought a pint of beer in the last few years.
I must try to find the clip because he made a corker of a mistake in his English too.
Fancy that. A proud Englishman what can’t speak the queen’s English proper.
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I like #13…….and about those swinging doors:
Unless there’s a tradition of batwing doors in old time English saloons, it appears that Hollywood westerns came to Britain back in the day. Who hasn’t seen a western sheriff or desperado burst through the swinging doors of an old west saloon? However, I’d always assumed that was mostly a Hollywood invention.
Apparently batwing doors were in fact in use in the Old West, but except maybe for saloons in some hot border towns in Arizona, New Mexico, or south Texas, they would be combined with conventional outer doors for locking up at night, and for use in the winter when bitterly cold weather and occasional blizzards came to the central and northern Great Plains.
https://truewestmagazine.com/did-most-old-west-saloons-have-swinging-doors/
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/78758/how-did-saloons-old-west-lock-their-doors-night
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LOL… The only place I’ve ever seen them is in “Westerns”. But I had an aunt who had them on her kitchen for some really daft reason… after all, one of the things about a kitchen door would been to keep the smells and occasionally smoke or steam out of the rest of the house!
But I suppose they suggest a saloon bar… and after all, if all they ever do there is drink, fight and vomit, it seems quite appropriate.
It did occur to me that they wouldn’t be particularly appropriate for the winters of Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas or Nebraska!
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I rather like the idea of batwing doors into my kitchen, Tris – at the moment I access it through an archway from my living room (having no need of gold pianos in my parlour, capisce). Or one-bar electric fires, for that matter. Batwing doors would put a whimsical demarcation line from behind which I could bring forth, to cries of acclamation and wonder, my coronation chickens and jubilee puddings to for the assembled multitudes to stuff their gobs with (not).
I always liked the sound those two-way hinged doors in and out from restaurant kitchens make – you know, the kind with a porthole at head height so that waiters carrying the boar’s heads on the one side don’t crash into the ones carrying the uneaten jubilee puddings back on the other – a kind of double clunk.
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Ed…..I like your description of what you could do with a saloon door to your kitchen.
I’ve heard that the swinging door rule in restaurant kitchens is that you always pass through on the right. However, Frasier and Niles had no such kitchen door rule when they bought their restaurant.
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LOL
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Hahaha, enjoyed that clip Danny.
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Alan……Thanks for the comment. “Frasier” was a popular sit-com that ran for about eleven years. If it played in the UK, I wonder if everyone understood the joke about the head of the Immigration Bureau being in the restaurant causing the entire remaining kitchen staff to flee. 🙂
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It did play here and was quite popular for a while.
And yes, the Brits would have understood that line… 🙂
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LOL…..thanks Tris. I assumed that the “undocumented aliens” controversy would probably be understood, but I wasn’t sure. 😉
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It’s what the Tories live for… uncovering someone who shouldn’t be here and deporting them to Rwanda.
Were it not for that, I doubt that Priti Patel would have a reason for living. It inspires her to get out of bed in the morning.
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LOL……Tories and Republicans……a lot alike! 🙂
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Indeed, Danny.
Haver you seen the latest rants from Don jnr?
Jings, some powerful stuff that boy’s on.
Even Gove can’t compete.
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🙂
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Well, I can see how handy they would be for your Jubilee Party on Thursday, Ed. You wouldn’t want waiting staff crashing into each other… especially not with trays of wild, boars… and indeed bores. Are you inviting many Tories?
Munguin sends his apologies, btw. He finds himself unable to attend because he will be washing his flippers.
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Tris…..Yes, definitely not for the northern Great plains! Even Dodge City (Kansas) would have needed a door to keep the winter weather out of the Long Branch. However, the pictures in Wiki don’t show it. 😉
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Branch_Saloon
And then there was Wild Bill Hickock at the No. 10 saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota, who was sitting at the poker table with his back to the door. Bad idea! But in South Dakota, it was probably an actual door.
https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/wild-bill-hickok-is-murdered
https://www.swingingcafedoors.com/swinging-door-blog/the-curious-history-of-swinging-saloon-doors/
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Was Dodge City so called because you had to Dodge bullets of people who thought you had been disrespectful to their wives?
Maybe they had that ki9nd of door so that the bullets could go out the top of bottom and no ricochet off the walls and into your head…
It doesn’t say why the young gunslinger, Jack McCall, killed Wild Bill…
I’m not sure I fancy having these kind of doors on the bathroom…
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Tris…..I agree….definitely not a door for the bathroom. 🙂
Actually, dodging bullets had nothing to do with the naming. 🙂 Dodge City was named after nearby Fort Dodge……one of a number of forts in the area in southwestern Kansas that were established to protect commerce along the Santa Fe Trail.
Fort Dodge was named for General Grenville Dodge, who had served on General Grant’s staff during the Civil War. After the war, during a campaign in the Laramie Mountains, Dodge is credited with finding the Sherman Hill route for the transcontinental railroad while being pursued by Indians. After resigning from the army, Dodge became the Union Pacific’s chief engineer and thus a leading figure in the construction of the Transcontinental Railroad. In the famous picture of the joining of the rails, Dodge is the man on the right who is shaking hands.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grenville_M._Dodge
As for his motive for killing Wild Bill Hickock in Deadwood, Jack McCall claimed that Wild Bill had killed his brother in Abilene Kansas while he was marshal there. Hickock had certainly killed men in Abilene, but there’s no record that McCall ever had a brother. So his motive remains unclear. There may have been some bad blood between them over a poker game they played in the night before the shooting.
https://www.legendsofamerica.com/we-jackmccall/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McCall
British poker players may wonder why a hand with two pair….aces and eights…….is called a “dead man’s hand.” It’s because those are the cards that Wild Bill was holding that night in Deadwood when Jack shot him.
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Goodness….
“Why did you kill Hickock”
“He killed my brother”
“You don’t have a brother”
“Ah, well, he beat me at Poker.”
That’s why Munguin never gambles… lest he should have to invent a brother as an excuse to revenge himself for his losses!
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LOL……Munguin is shrewd! I’m thinking that old Jack McCall wasn’t the brightest apple on the tree. 🙂
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I think he probably fell off the tree at some point and bumped his head!
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🙂
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There is some pure gold in today’s presentation. It is hard to pick a favourite. However, I have two: No 3 showing Johnson dancing on covid victims graves and No 18 the reply from Alistair Jack. The Tories at work!
The reply from Jack is so like any reply I have had from politicians – bland and lying.
I remember a neighbour back in 1953 when I was five years old having a party in the back garden for the children in the block. My memory is of party food but no bunting or flags. None of us knew what the party was for, we just enjoyed the food.
I am kicking myself that I did not know about the Jubilee celebrations earlier. I could have been off on holiday last Saturday and so miss most of this boak inducing nonsense. As it is, I don’t leave for my camping holiday in France until this Saturday. First time since summer 2019. I hope my elderly bones are still up to it. Still, I am getting fitter by the day racing to get to the off switch any time a ‘Royal’ item comes on.
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You mean it’s not a spoof, Grouser? Gosh… imagine being a parody of yourself.
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Ha ha ha ha…
Of all the useless cabinet ministers they have there, Jack seems to take second place after Dorries… and at least you can laugh at Dorries for being particularly vacant. Mad, Bad, Nad.
But Jackboots is just so incredibly dim and dull. They even had to find him an assistant to do the thinking (and there was no one in the Commons) so they had to create some donor bloke a Lord. Democracy?
I’ve never seen any kind of party celebrating Lizzie, not even when I lived in England. Thank heavens.
Bonnes vacances en France. Vive la République.
It’s ages since I’ve been back to France. I miss it very much.
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https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FT_S7UsWYAAwDD7?format=jpg&name=small
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What is the last bit of you to go when you shuffle off this mortal coil?
Your eyes because they dilate.
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I must remember some of them… will save a lot of pearl clutching.
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LOL LOL LOL!
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Just an additional word about the royal celebrations. I was tipped off by a friend about the official Jubilee celebrations website. Here is the link:
https://nextdoorjubileemap.co.uk
If you go on to this website and click on the interactive map showing planned street parties you will notice first all the paucity of events in Scotland compared to England. Of the ones listed for Scotland there are several which readers might want to attend. I fancy the one where organisers are going to distribute £12million to people who have never met Prince Andrew. There are many more, I assure you. Worth it for the laugh.
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Just had a look at Dundee.
Ummmm… not a lot! But surprisingly there is something.
And probably there will be rain.
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Munguin has never met Prince Andrew.
He reckons the £12 million should be his.
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I can confirm it is extremely funny.
“Guillotine Sharpening Party come along and celebrate one of the finest feats of French (social) engineering”
“Anas Sarwar presents the Big Jubilee Bin Photo Tour. An amazing tour which started in the lead up to COP26, Anas returns to showcase his favourite bins, full of decorations from the Platinum Jubilee”
“Bring your bins to George Square in celebration of the big day.”
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And over in Edinburgh:
“Lock up yer daughters just in case our very special invited guest arrives from Windsor !”
“To celebrate this historic event we are holding an open kilt lifting day”
“👑 Toast your interdimensional overlord with a complimentary glass of adrenochrome 🥂 “
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I see they have sorted a welcoming committee for him.
I wonder whose kilt they will lift…
You know they chose “Sweet Caroline” for the queen’s song for this shindig thing?
Well, it turns out that Neil Diamond said it was written for 11 year old Caroline Kennedy, John F’s daughter…
Young American girls and the royals …. again?
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Sure Dizzy Miss Lizzie would have worked better.
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Ha ha ha ha Brilliant.
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Sweet Caroline? They already have Sweet Chariot as an anthem, but one of the English rugby players says he will refuse to sing it in future. Did this have any influence on the change? Caroline derives from the Latin for Charles (Carolus), so could it be double-edged – a nod to Brian as the longest heir-apparent in history and keeping the song going as a royal ditty in preparation for his eventual accession?
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https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1615524/royal-fan-backlash-sweet-caroline-queen-platinum-jubilee-ont
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I bet Anas’s team has been out with their cameras and they will be lining up a majestic prize for the winner…
You get to empty a royal bin…
Oh, I’m all aflutter, so I am.
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LOL. Better.
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Hard to pick a favourite from this selection of belters. The barbed accuracy of No3, discarded flowers, soil on fresh grave for 179,000. Well done Andi, have been waiting on Ross being questioned, I’m not holding my breath.
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I think the BBC is a bit scared to upset Johnson.
Channel Four made a fool of him and replaced him with a block of ice when he sent daddy along to stand in for him at a debate… and as a result got sold off.
The BBC doesn’t want the same treatment.
After all, nothing is as scary as Mad Nad when someone has slighted the love of her life…
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