Advanced warning of a few sweary words.
A POLICE officer pulls over a woman for speeding.
“Is there a problem, officer?”
“Ma’am, you were speeding. May I see your driver’s licence please?
“I don’t have one. I lost it for drunken driving.
“Can I see your vehicle identification papers?”
“Nope, can’t do that either. I stole the car. I killed the driver and put his body in the boot.”
The cop reaches for his phone and calls for back-up. Police cars start arriving from several directions. A senior officer approaches her, pistol drawn.
“Ma’am, open the boot please.”
She does so. It’s empty.
“Is this your car, ma’am?
She hands him the registration papers.
‘Your driver’s licence?”
She hands it over. The police chief is nonplussed.
“I was given to understand that you have no driver’s licence, no registration papers and you stole the car and murdered the owner.”
“I suppose the lying bastard also said I was speeding.”
3.
· When I told my contractors I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
· I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament but good players are really hard to find.
· I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied: “Aisle B back.”
6.
THREE senior citizens are strolling and chatting on the beachfront.
“It’s windy today.”
“No, it’s Thursday.”
“Me too. Let’s have a beer.”
7.
Thanks to John, Tony, Erik, Graham, Brenda, Panda Paws, Andimac, Brendan.
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
Hah! We are not unamused. Oh no.
Very funny selection as usual, Tris, even at this ungodly hour.
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🙂 You been up all night, Ed?
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No, Tris, thanks for asking; I woke up at four something to inspect the sanitation facilities, then couldn’t fall asleep again. Care assistant just left, gave me a chivvying for not being chipper enough.
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Ah… Sorry to hear that. Nothing worse that not being able to sleep.
Hopefully that will be rectified tonight!
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What an excellent selection of funnies. I even laughed (again) at he ones I’d sent in! Unfortunately Jimmy Ferguson hasn’t been tweeting recently – hope he’s alright. However I saw this elsewhere
“I was a people person
Then I met the bastards”
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LOL.
Yep hope he’s Ok. He had the dreaded lurgy a while ago, didn’t he?
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From Sir Ed vasey’s speech to the LIbDem conference yesterday, the laugh is at the end.
And the Nationalists in Scotland certainly won’t put recovery first.
Because they put their obsession with independence ahead of everything else.
Even as Covid claims thousands of lives, devastates businesses and threatens jobs across Scotland –
The SNP want to plunge our economy into years of chaos and uncertainty.
They divide the Scottish people.
They are seeking to divide our United Kingdom.
Now, they’re even divided among themselves.
What Scotland needs is a leader who will bring people together: Willie Rennie.
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Punch line worth waiting for!
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LOL LOL LOL
Another Knight of the Realm who knows what Scotland needs.
Well, we’ll see how many Scottish people agree with SIR Ed in a few weeks’ time.
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WR always give me the impression that he escaped from an asylum somewhere. Very glaiket.
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Can you imagine him running the country in a pandemic?
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Yeah… he’d unite the whole country alright, in near unanimous mockery.
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I dunno where they are all getting this “unite the country” from.
In my memory, never has the country, or the countries, been so divided.
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Sorry to bring people down after such good funnies but o/t Craig Murray has been found guilty of contempt of court – sentencing on Thursday. He will appeal to Supreme court.
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Will hung, drawn and quartering be brought back as suitable punishment?
Remind us the make up of the ‘Court’.
An Australian style one if I’m remembering correctly, you know, Kangaroo.
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I’m surprised.
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Craig Murray once named one of the complainers in the Assange case on UK TV. He always complained there was a conspiracy to keep him out of the media but I suspect the reason was more to do with the basic trust that TV producers place in guests not to do stuff like that.
I’m neither surprised nor not surprised, neither bothered nor not bothered about this. His journey from principled whistleblower to the world of “gay bodybuilders” conspiracies that he now inhabits is just plain sad.
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He and I had a falling out a while ago.
I can’t remember what it was about.
I think he got a little weird.
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“I think he got a little weird”. That is a perfect summary.
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🙂
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A lot of reporters should have been charged. It was easy to work out who was who from some of the newspaper reports.
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One Twitter tweeter got 6 months in jail.
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Wow!
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The tweeter in question sought legal advice *on twitter* about the legality of posting what he intended to post. With that sort of attitude, prison is only a matter of time 🙂
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Boom boom again!
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Ach. To what end, I wonder? To taint the reputation of yet another prominent independence supporter?
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Strange old world.
One of the writers of ‘Yes Minister/PM’ got a knighthood.
The current PM makes decisions that have led to 130,000 people dying from Covid, lies every week in Parliament, doesn’t answer questions.
Women have a vigil for a young life cut short it appears to be the action of a police officer and the riot police turn out in numbers.
Just watched the Bristol march and couldn’t see a police person in uniform.
The government in westmonster want to extend the lockdown rules until November BUTT tell us that the vaccination progress will let people go on holiday to places that are seeing a THIRD wave.
Are we humans so stupid that we would use the extra nuclear warheads ordered to end our species, looking more likely every day.
Oh, by the way lizzie the last was chosen by god to lead us.
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This Bristol riot looks a bit dodgy to me.
I wonder if nuclear war would get rid of the virus.
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Just to modify my previous post re Craig Murray, the verdict has not been officially released yet. However he was previously told he would not need to appear if found not guilty and he has been asked to appear on Thursday so it doesn’t look good. Sorry for unintentional misleading. It was based on twitter including Craig’s own. He seems to be certain it’s a guilty verdict.
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Right since I’ve brought the mood down, here’s another funny from twitter.
“Don’t wait till you are on your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
Tell them to f%ck off now”
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LOL. I’ll take that advice to heart.
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car is driven off the road into a ditch at night.
No traffic, no signal on mobile.
Vehicle comes along and stops to help.
Driver says great that someone knows about cars has stopped to help.
Helper says’ I know nothing about cars, I’m a chiropodist.
Great says the driver just give me a TOE.
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If the driver who’d suffered the accident had been a chiromancer, he could have said “Give me a hand”.
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🙂 🙂
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Boom boom.
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Good one Ed.
The army is to lose 10,000 soldiers but will keep the same number of officers.
The rabb confirms the UK will do deals with countries that don’t follow ECHR guidelines.
The mogg will be sanctioned for misleading parliament on the subject.
The big flounder’s leased another Airbus aircraft painted in red,white and blue.
The Ford company says Brexit is going well for them.
The starmer says Nicola should resign if found to have misled parliament.
Oh, that’s him just a few days behind.
Great laughter in the country, April First has arrived early.
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I think wee Douglas has been told to call a vote of no confidence anyway…
Well, he’s just about silly enough to.
Goodness, we’ll soon have a fleet of red white and blue aircraft to take the prime minister and his girlfriend around the world in a manner to which they would love to become accustomed.
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Labour to abstain so it would be a waste of time.
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That’s his coalition with Labour off to a good start then.
I wonder if he will still do it.
I suppose it will depend what Johnson and the Noble and Gallant one tell him what to do.
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