JUST FOR A LAUGH

Advanced warning of a few sweary words.

1.
2. Comhghairdeas, Éire.

A POLICE officer pulls over a woman for speeding.

“Is there a problem, officer?”

“Ma’am, you were speeding. May I see your driver’s licence please?

“I don’t have one. I lost it for drunken driving.

“Can I see your vehicle identification papers?”

“Nope, can’t do that either. I stole the car. I killed the driver and put his body in the boot.”

The cop reaches for his phone and calls for back-up. Police cars start arriving from several directions. A senior officer approaches her, pistol drawn.

“Ma’am, open the boot please.”

She does so. It’s empty.

“Is this your car, ma’am?
She hands him the registration papers.

‘Your driver’s licence?”

She hands it over. The police chief is nonplussed.

“I was given to understand that you have no driver’s licence, no registration papers and you stole the car and murdered the owner.”

“I suppose the lying bastard also said I was speeding.”

3.

4.
5.

·      When I told my contractors I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

·      I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament but good players are really hard to find.

·      I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied: “Aisle B back.”

6.

THREE senior citizens are strolling and chatting on the beachfront.

“It’s windy today.”

“No, it’s Thursday.”

“Me too. Let’s have a beer.”

7.

8. Somehow Andi’s made him sound more sensible that he really is…
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Thanks to John, Tony, Erik, Graham, Brenda, Panda Paws, Andimac, Brendan.

39 thoughts on “JUST FOR A LAUGH”

      1. No, Tris, thanks for asking; I woke up at four something to inspect the sanitation facilities, then couldn’t fall asleep again. Care assistant just left, gave me a chivvying for not being chipper enough.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. What an excellent selection of funnies. I even laughed (again) at he ones I’d sent in! Unfortunately Jimmy Ferguson hasn’t been tweeting recently – hope he’s alright. However I saw this elsewhere

    “I was a people person
    Then I met the bastards”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. From Sir Ed vasey’s speech to the LIbDem conference yesterday, the laugh is at the end.

    And the Nationalists in Scotland certainly won’t put recovery first.

    Because they put their obsession with independence ahead of everything else.

    Even as Covid claims thousands of lives, devastates businesses and threatens jobs across Scotland –

    The SNP want to plunge our economy into years of chaos and uncertainty.

    They divide the Scottish people.

    They are seeking to divide our United Kingdom.

    Now, they’re even divided among themselves.

    What Scotland needs is a leader who will bring people together: Willie Rennie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL LOL LOL

      Another Knight of the Realm who knows what Scotland needs.

      Well, we’ll see how many Scottish people agree with SIR Ed in a few weeks’ time.

      Like

      1. I dunno where they are all getting this “unite the country” from.

        In my memory, never has the country, or the countries, been so divided.

        Like

  3. Sorry to bring people down after such good funnies but o/t Craig Murray has been found guilty of contempt of court – sentencing on Thursday. He will appeal to Supreme court.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Will hung, drawn and quartering be brought back as suitable punishment?
      Remind us the make up of the ‘Court’.
      An Australian style one if I’m remembering correctly, you know, Kangaroo.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Craig Murray once named one of the complainers in the Assange case on UK TV. He always complained there was a conspiracy to keep him out of the media but I suspect the reason was more to do with the basic trust that TV producers place in guests not to do stuff like that.

        I’m neither surprised nor not surprised, neither bothered nor not bothered about this. His journey from principled whistleblower to the world of “gay bodybuilders” conspiracies that he now inhabits is just plain sad.

        Liked by 2 people

          1. The tweeter in question sought legal advice *on twitter* about the legality of posting what he intended to post. With that sort of attitude, prison is only a matter of time 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Strange old world.
    One of the writers of ‘Yes Minister/PM’ got a knighthood.
    The current PM makes decisions that have led to 130,000 people dying from Covid, lies every week in Parliament, doesn’t answer questions.
    Women have a vigil for a young life cut short it appears to be the action of a police officer and the riot police turn out in numbers.
    Just watched the Bristol march and couldn’t see a police person in uniform.
    The government in westmonster want to extend the lockdown rules until November BUTT tell us that the vaccination progress will let people go on holiday to places that are seeing a THIRD wave.
    Are we humans so stupid that we would use the extra nuclear warheads ordered to end our species, looking more likely every day.
    Oh, by the way lizzie the last was chosen by god to lead us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just to modify my previous post re Craig Murray, the verdict has not been officially released yet. However he was previously told he would not need to appear if found not guilty and he has been asked to appear on Thursday so it doesn’t look good. Sorry for unintentional misleading. It was based on twitter including Craig’s own. He seems to be certain it’s a guilty verdict.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Right since I’ve brought the mood down, here’s another funny from twitter.

    “Don’t wait till you are on your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
    Tell them to f%ck off now”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. car is driven off the road into a ditch at night.
    No traffic, no signal on mobile.
    Vehicle comes along and stops to help.
    Driver says great that someone knows about cars has stopped to help.
    Helper says’ I know nothing about cars, I’m a chiropodist.
    Great says the driver just give me a TOE.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Good one Ed.
    The army is to lose 10,000 soldiers but will keep the same number of officers.
    The rabb confirms the UK will do deals with countries that don’t follow ECHR guidelines.
    The mogg will be sanctioned for misleading parliament on the subject.
    The big flounder’s leased another Airbus aircraft painted in red,white and blue.
    The Ford company says Brexit is going well for them.
    The starmer says Nicola should resign if found to have misled parliament.
    Oh, that’s him just a few days behind.
    Great laughter in the country, April First has arrived early.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think wee Douglas has been told to call a vote of no confidence anyway…

      Well, he’s just about silly enough to.

      Goodness, we’ll soon have a fleet of red white and blue aircraft to take the prime minister and his girlfriend around the world in a manner to which they would love to become accustomed.

      Like

        1. That’s his coalition with Labour off to a good start then.

          I wonder if he will still do it.

          I suppose it will depend what Johnson and the Noble and Gallant one tell him what to do.

          Like

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