1.
2. Let’s make him toast.
3.
4. Not sure that putting British cuisine at the heart of your plans was altogether a great idea.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11. The crowds thronged the street to see 30p. Well, not that street obviously.
12.
13.
14.
15. What do you do lovely? Coffee, Idiot!
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
21.
22. And it was then that Serge started to think that his mother wasn’t coming back.
23.
24.
25.
Just a quick word of thanks to Alan, who intended to send me some material, but either he forgot to include the link or I was too dim to find it… Ho Hum… Next week maybe?
Just seen this one.
**********
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Ho ho ho…. Very good. 🙂
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No.19. Very true, and if they did manage to steal them, as in the case of the Parthenon Marbles, they will never return them to their rightful owners.
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Nope. I see that Sunak says Greece can’t have them back.
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An armed man ran into an Estate Agents and shouted: “Nobody move!”
*****
If a Tiger was attacking your Mother in Law and your wife at the same time and you could save only one who would you choose to save …….
The Tiger of course…as there are now so few of them left….
*****
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping
I told her that David Beckham warned me this might happen….
*****
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
*****
The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced that his female lingerie business has been a total failure…
In hindsight, maybe Shatner Knickers wasn’t the best name for the venture!
*****
What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
*****
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside
And I gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
*****
One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.
It’s the elephant in the womb.
*****
Spring forward and fall back…
A great way to remember how the clocks change
But a terrible way to describe your sex technique!
*****
My wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl…
I replied, “I didn’t even know he played cricket!”
*****
Have a nice day everyone
🙂
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One of your best sets yet, NMRN.
I hope they enjoy their holiday behind the fridge…. and I loved the tiger one.
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“I hope they enjoy their holiday behind the fridge”
Probably complained to Thomas Cook. 🙂
I liked elephant in the womb one too!
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LOL
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I’d not seen this, but Dave just reminded me about it… I thought she made enough of an ass of herself with her sword, but this muppet wants to be prime minister… and some of the Tories actually want her.
Anyway, is that the advice for Scotland? Stand up and fight for freedom?
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https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/homeless-nhs-hospital-discharge-beds-rough-sleeping-b2507850.html
Well done Tories. Out of a maternity unit and into a homeless unit.
Or three days after a cancer operation?
And they complain about NHS Scotland.
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Penny Mordaunt….now I see how and why Liz Truss won the Tory leadership over Penny Mordor……
Is her slogan “Stand up and fight”….I only ask because she said it so many many many times….indeed it seems to be very familiar, as a war cry (slogan), to Theresa May’s ‘Strong and Stable”……a slogan……which post her, May, being elected proved her leadership to be nothing like “Strong and stable” …….I did not realise how robotic Mordor actually was…..it was quite embarrassing to watch and listen to her….especially her arm movements…..which she assumes emphasised her (non) points but in reality made her speech even more hilarious…..and cringeworthy….LOL
Ironically it does not matter how, at this point, the Tories try to (stand up) and fight because their bubble has, it seems, now well and truly burst indeed it’s now more a case of more voters now willing to “stand up and fight” the Tory party to stop them winning the next GE…..maybe time Penny Mordor “Sat down and chilled”……as if she is made the Tories next new (est) leader…it will only be her now being chosen as a last (and desperate) resort…..when previously no Tory party members, via a majority, had that much , if any, confidence in her in previous Tory leader elections…..to be elected as their party’s leader………..I mean if you lose to Liz Truss then is it not a case of “Now is the Time” to shut the duck up (permanently)…….or perhaps continue to entertain us non Tory and Mordor fans to embarrassing speeches like this one….almost as cringeworthy and hilarious as Liz Truss ‘Pork markets’ speech……LOL
Certainly a good and worthy entry for JFAL this week……
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LOL. Yes. I think they are talking about it being a fight between Mordaunt and Grant Shapps/Corrine/Michael/Whatsit… I have more names than Charlie Philip Arthur George.
Needless to say none of us get a say ion who it will be.
I think they should have another night of the long knives, but with real knives this time..
And I don’t expect to get called out for that comment, because, you know, it’s Ok to call for an MP to be killed in today’s Britbin.
Of course, to be fair, I have not quite donated £10 million to the Tories, so that pass might not be given to me.
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I’m glad that another of Pennies finest moments has been captured for the posterior she represents. But I couldn’t watch it through, for many reasons, the arm swinging, the hand gestures and finger pointing. In my mind I saw her rehearsing in front of a mirror, which didn’t help, but above all I didn’t want to loose my supper.
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That’s funny. I though of her practising and thinking that she looked statesmanlike.
She’s almost as daft as Truss.
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Brilliant thanks Tris LOL muchly appreciated on this strange and rare sunny Monday. 🙂
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Been a lovely day here too, Hetty. Cloudy and cold now though.
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No5, I wonder where that is lol. I spotted a YT channel, a guy doing videos about England’s decimated delapidated depressing cities and town high streets, boarded up shops, graffiti galore, too depressing to watch quite frankly.
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Yes, there are a few guys doing that sort of thing now.
and this guy
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This is not a joke; I’ve seen it…many times:
“Warning: contains egg”
On a box of eggs….
Someone said that the reason why aliens have never made contact is that they are too smart to waste their time and energy on finding out whether there’s intelligent life here.
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“Someone said that the reason why aliens have never made contact is that they are too smart to waste their time and energy on finding out whether there’s intelligent life here”
I would welcome an invasion by Aliens….as when one considers what we are all currently enduring within this world with some of the so called political parties and their leaders….and Alien invasion would be a welcome respite from what we have to tolerate via some of these supposed Earthlings voted in to lead us (NOT)……mind you if they, Aliens, were observing us then they must view us as a very hostile species with all of the fighting going on…not just fighting between different countries but we also fight with our fellow countrymen and women…..so as you say perhaps they are indeed “too smart to waste their time and energy” upon us…..it seems at times we are, as a species, a lost cause where some of us are determined to destroy the world for future generations…..follow the money……greed and power corrupts (as does some voters stupidity do it’s bit too)…..I mean ‘Take me to your leader’…..who would be fit to be that leader we could present to an alien race as ‘our leader’………imagine if they , Aliens, came when Trump or Boris Johnson were leaders……no chance of peace or a new dawn with aliens…..end of the world more like….LOL
🙂
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Maybe they think it’s hardly north coming here given the mess we’ve made and our utter inability to stem the greed that keeps it descending into chaos.
I’d be surprised if there was anything much here in 100 years.
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LOL, Nigel. Maybe they did come here and wandered into Tesco to be told that there were eggs in the eggs… and thought….
“Yeah. Mars, guys? What do you think?”
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I’ve not seen Andi Capp and Flo for years (Pic 3).
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It used to be in the Daily Mirror, I think.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Capp
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Is it the telegraph’s picture editor, or did our government really call scones biscuits!? I know they’re called that in America, but…
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LOL. Good point and I never even noticed it.
Maybe they thought we could sell them to America?
You really never know with the Telegraph, to be fair.
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Just For A laugh I’m trying to see if WordPress will let me comment
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For some weird reason you were put into moderation. But yes, you can.
WordPress !!! Please just stop it.
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It seems that my observation earlier may have been moderated out when I said that after a quick read of number 2 I thought it said ‘Mega Thick, Hard Right’
Besides, hadn’t he been discounted down to 10p?
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Willie. It never showed up here.
WordPress has been acting up today.
AndiMac was commenting and nothing was showing up.
I’m really sorry.
You reading would have been equally appropriate… 🙂 🙂
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Also just checked the spam folder, and although your comment and Andi’s comment aren’t there, there were two comments, one from the Roaming Junketeer, and one from JHall, which had been rejected for some bizarre reason as Spam, despite them being followers of the blog. They are now up.
My apologies to all.
Genuinely not my fault but that of WordPress.
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Quite a few burst out chortles in this collection. No9 was a coffee down the nose one. I should know by now, no drinking or eating when reading JFAL.
I fess up, I did omit the link to you Tris, but sent it later, when you pointed out my error. I can’t hide behind a wordpress excuse, this was email.
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Ha ha. I got it in the end, Alan.
There will be another Laugh next week. 🙂
Thanks.
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