JUST FOR A LAUGH

Extended Edition

1. I note that between August and October the price has increased for 80p to 90p. 12.5% increase.

I ATE a salad for dinner.

Mostly croutons and tomatoes.

Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.

And cheese.

Okay, it was pizza.

I ate a pizza.

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6. Ewww, don’t say that in front of Jacob Rees Mogg… or thou shalt be smote by Nanny.

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8. Just like Scotland.

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·    Mum taught me to  appreciate a job well done – “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

·    She taught me religion – “You better pray that mark will come out of the carpet.”

·    Dad taught me about time travel – “If you don’t straighten up I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week,”

·    He taught me logic – “Because I said so, that’s why.”

·    Mum taught me more logic. – “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

·    She taught me foresight. – “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

·     Dad taught me irony. – “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

·    Mum taught me about the science of osmosis. – “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

·    She taught me about contortionism. –  “Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck.”

·    She taught me about stamina. – “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

·    She taught me about weather. – “That room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

·    She taught me about hypocrisy. – “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.”

·    She taught me about behaviour modification. – “Stop acting like your father!”

·    She taught me about envy. – There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don’t have wonderful p[arents like you do.”

·    She taught me about anticipation. – “Just wait until we get home!”

·    She taught me about receiving. – “ You’re going to get it from your father when he gets home.”

·    She taught me medical science. – “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to get stuck that way.”

·    She taught me about extra-sensory perception. – “Put your sweater on! Don’t you think I know when you’re cold?

·    Dad taught me humour.  – When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me!”

·    Mum taught me how to become and adult. – “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up!”

·    She taught me genetics. “You’re just like your father!”

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Crazy script in Old Blighty

YOU couldn’t make it up. Is this a Charlie Chaplin movie? Boris Johnson gets the boot as prime minister in Old Blighty, he gets the heave-ho from his Tories who are sick of him. Liz Truss takes over with a play-play economic programme possibly learned on the Monopoly board. There’s an outcry from everywhere – the Bank of England, the financial funds, from all over the world – and the pound sterling plummets. Ordinary working people are about to take a financial hammering.

Truss then fires her chancellor and gets in a middle-of-the-road Tory who’s doing his best to sort out the mess. There’s chaos in the House of Commons, strong-arm stuff on Tory MPs who might be thinking of voting the wrong way.

And then – flourish of trumpets – Truss resigns after 44 days in No 10. The Tory bosses have got tired of this script.

So they have to find another prime minister. Who? There seems no obvious candidate. A fresh election is out of the question because the Tories are 39 points behind in the opinion polls.

But now – trumpets again, tara tara! –it seems Bojo is in the running again. It seems his hat could have been in the ring for the vote over the weekend by MPs. If he’s among  candidates getting more than 100 votes, those results will be put to the party members and that’ll be a shoo-in for Bojo. The greengrocers on the ground love him. We should know today.

This is a crazy script, I know. But, as those Ancient Greeks used to say: “Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.”

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Blonde lettuce

BRITISH newspaper the Daily Star – which takes a lighter view of things – set up an iceberg lettuce wearing a blonde wig, and put it on its webcam.

The idea: to see who would have the longer shelf life – the lettuce or Prime Minister Liz Truss.

It was a close thing. The lettuce was going brownish. But then Liz Truss resigned.

The caption changed from: “Will Liz Truss outlast this lettuce?” to “The lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

And they placed a crown on the lettuce.

The way things are going, this could turn out to be the only reliable gauge of matters political.

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26. I think “River” would have been a more appropriate sign.

Olympic star

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: “Everyone’s heard of Karl Marx. But few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.”

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

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Many thanks to:

John, Graham, Lexie, Erik, PP, TM, Brenda, BLeP, Hetty. I hope I’ve not left anyone out or Munguin will skin me alive.