WHY won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman
THIS fellow goes into a pet shop where he finds a talking dog. After chatting to him a few minutes about the weather, sport and current affairs, he buys him. He makes straight for his local pub.
“I bet anyone here fifty bucks this dog can talk.”
Several people take him on.
“OK Spot, tell ’em all about it!”
The dog wags his tail but says nothing.
“Spot, tell ’em what you told me in the pet shop!”
But the dog remains schtum. The fellow has lost his bets, he pays up and stomps out in a fury.
“You’re absolutely useless. I’m taking you back to the pet shop.”
“Wise up, Boss. Think of the odds we’ll get tomorrow.”
THE passage of time … some comments apparently made by people way back in 1955.
· If things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for £5
· If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. Two shillings a pack is ridiculous.
· “If they think I’ll pay three shillings for a haircut, they can forget it.”
A Yorkshireman’s favourite dog dies and he decides to have a gold statuette of it made by a jeweller.
Yorkshireman (showing photo): “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone, yer daft boogger!”
I WAS buying fish the other day and asked the counter assistant for a plastic bag.
He said it was already inside.
Thanks to Brenda, John, Erik, Graham and AndiMac.