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5. “Son, do you think that your teacher knows I help you to do your homework?”… “I believe so, mum. She said it was impossible that I could make so many mistakes all on my own.”
6. You can trust Murdo to make a complete ass of himself.
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8. You can do it if you B&Q it… sometimes…
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Daniel Thew (Facebook)
Sorry, but I need to vent!!!! 
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Elgin , I don’t want to mention the name of the shop because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work.
So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.”
I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.” IM RAGIN.
No refund.
No FREE replacement..
I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again…
All reactions:
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Thanks to Andi.
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
Twelve commandments for seniors is too many to remember.
These tree should suffice:
If you get an erection, use it, even if your alone.
If you pass a lavatory, go, even if you don’t think you need to.
NEVER trust a fart.
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Oh… that sounds a well depressing future!
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The winds of change……………..
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LOL LOL LOL Clever! 🙂
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Number 11 is so good.
One to add to today’s magnificent programme.
The rich cynic has started a new Ponzi scheme.
He’s selling oil licences for the North Sea.
The oil ran out in the last decade, a previous pm told us we couldn’t be independent as they had used it all up.
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So Scotland is going to rescue the UK again?
He should try selling Norway’s fields, after all, they don;t need the money now. Their Wealth Funds bring in far more than oil does.
If I were him, the next COP, I’d avoid going.
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The BBC told me in 2014 that the oil had almost gone. Wait until Sunak finds that it is almost gone………….
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I well remember, not the BBC in my case, but The Noble Lord Darling, when he was common, told us we had a couple of years max left, and this was backed up by some other Tory bloke who was reckoned to be an expert in oily things… rather typically Tory, actually, I’d say.
Maybe that was when Mr Sunak was in America and unaware of what was going on in Britain, never mind little ol’ Scotland.
He has a plan, a green plan, to use more oil! Maybe he’s going to buy it from Norway… or knowing him, someplace in South East Asia, and bring it here on boats.
They seem to like long journeys and importing from as far away as possible.
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https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/politics/independence-referendum-dwindling-north-sea-4080275?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar
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Yup, the oil has largely gone. It will be interesting to see how many licenses are sold. I predict not many.
This is a political statement, more than it is a commercial one. It compliments recent Labour and Tory policy of appeasing car owners and the pollutants and road traffic fatalities that come with increased car usage.
Instead of rushing to save the planet, both parties are intent on giving the appearance that they are willling to destroy it. They both think this is the path to votes. British politics gets worse with each passing day.
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They are, I think, both terrified to suggest that we are going to have to make any substantial alterations to our lives if we want our grandchildren to have a country to grow up in.
So until the election at least, I expect absolutely no moves at all to address this worsening situation.
It seems that any promises made, or agreements entered into, at COP in Glasgow have been ditched.
Yet another nail in the coffin of Britain’s reputation internationally.
Scotland hasn’t had a warm summer thus far. It’s been cloudy, at least here, most days with rain off and on for the last two months… Our weather is never brilliant, but this is unheard of in June and July.
It’s bound to have affected crops, insects, birds, and other animals…
But they are in election mode now, even though it’s some time away.
Today Sunak flew on a private jet to Scotland to announce that he’s creating 20,000 or so jobs.
I suspect that on this, like his million new homes in the next year in England, he’s talking though his butt.
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Aye Tris,pushed my brother’s buttons this morn.
Told him his neighbour has sold off his tomato crop, he will have to pick it, package it and hand it over, he will get a couple of coins for his trouble, suck it up boy, you don’t own the stuff.
Seems a strange way of being non dependant on ‘Foreign’ companies and reducing the use of fossil fuels in electricity generation.
There are still 5 nuclear stations out of service and we are burning gas, coal and young trees imported from Canada, it’s summer.
No wonder that brain of lesser britain has his sweater on.
You Indy yet?
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He says, though, that he’s doing it in a “green” way, which probably means he’s wearing a green shirt or something.
Still, there’s no such thing as climate change. It’s 10C here and it’s nearly August.
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https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/jul/30/rishi-sunak-to-use-scottish-trip-to-attack-labour-stance-on-north-sea-oil?CMP=share_btn_tw
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I loved no2 – it’s VERY apt where I live! Had to peer a while until I saw the wee snail in the ‘toon! No 7 is funny but maybe he didn’t want to get the wheels dirty outside???
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It’s possible… I suppose. Maybe he’s going to use it in his living room 🙂
Same here for No 2. Limited parking spaces and there’s always someone with a Chelsea Tractor who need two spaces and feels entitles enough to use them.
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Haha. We have actual tractors parking in our town centre here 😂
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The blessings of a rural community…
I’m fine with that in the country, to be fair… and it’s probably quite difficult to park a tractor.
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#1…….I can’t find the snail.
#7……..I don’t get it.
#17…….The Hollywood sign in 1923 when it was an advertisement for the Hollywoodland housing development :
https://time.com/3947945/hollywood-sign-history/
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Morning Danny,
I think the device in the trolley is a sack barrow, fitted with wheels to make it easy to transport heavy sacks.
Maybe he just doesn’t want to dirty the car but it looks strange.
Much like buying a bicycle and transferring to the house in a shopping trolley which has to be returned to the store.
Compare with having a warning light to tell you the warning light has failed, you then need a warning light to tell you the warning light warning light has failed.
Have a great day.
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Hi Dave…….Oh YES! I see now! Thank you.
My problem was one of perspective and inattention. I didn’t notice that the “sack barrow”is INSIDE the shopping cart (shopping trolley.) Upon first glance, I saw it sitting BEHIND the shopping cart, on the surface of the car park.
I must pay more attention in the future! 🙂
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Oh dear… how would you remember which warning light was which?
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PS: #2 reminded me…… “someone had hand-painted the letter “R” over the parking bay to mark it as reserved.”
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/dec/08/philippa-langley-richard-third-car-park
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Richard Rex, reserved for kings only.
We need an update on the Republican presidential race, our media are consumed with farage’s bank accounts, he’s turned to the trump model of asking the poor to sub him with a fiver a month.
No superhero cards on offer as yet but give him time.
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Dave……..Trump is polling far in the lead, ahead of all announced contenders for the Republican nomination. The beginning of the party primaries is still months ahead, but right now, it looks like Trump will win the nomination, and the general election will be a repeat of the 2020 Biden-Trump contest. That’s still 15 months away, so lots could still happen. But that’s the way it looks.
Trump is under criminal indictments and facing criminal trials……one in New York state on tax charges, and one a federal trial for illegal handling of documents. Two more criminal indictments are expected this month…….one being federal charges related to the Jan6 insurrection to overturn the last election, and one is Georgia state charges for election tampering.
So one of the two candidates for president will likely be involved in no less than four trials for federal and state crimes, and if convicted and elected might be serving as president from a prison cell.
Nothing like this has ever happened in American history. So…….Interesting times! 🙂
Trump has been spending campaign contributions for legal fees, but is now apparently going to establish a legal defense fund….yet another way that the poor can send him their money to pay his legal bills. 😦
https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/30/politics/trump-legal-defense-fund/index.html
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If you told me that Trump and his carryings on were all part of a dream and that he was still running Miss World and the Apprentice and being sexually inappropriate even at his age, I would believe it.
What I can’t believe is that he was president, that he was as bad as he was, that when he lost he planned a coup, and that there is a possibility that he will be president again, at around 80 years old, I really can’t believe it.
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TRis……Yes, not only unprecedented in American history, but almost literally beyond belief.
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I’m sure that Lewis Carroll wrote the script for him.
I can imagine a sleepy dormouse and a mad hatter…
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🙂
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Ha ha haha ha
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An amazing car park reserved space! 🙂
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B&Q is a big “Do it yourself” sort of warehouse store, Danny, (as seen in their diy.com address)
Their catch phrase is “You can do it if you B&Q it”.
I can’t see the snail either, but it must be there, because PP has seen it…
Give’s a hint, PP.
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Tris……I don’t know why I was confused about the trolley and shopping cart. To me, the angle and perspective made me see them as two separate items……an empty shopping cart, and the trolley sitting on the pavement. Optical illusion…….for me anyway. 🙂
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Wait. Just seen him or her, we’ve never been told which… above the back wheels! 🙂
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Tris……Oh yes! Thanks! I see the little snail now. Well camouflaged this week! 🙂
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Being as famous as he is now, s/he probably wanted a bit of peace from his/her fans… 🙂
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Tris…..Yes, a real star! 🙂
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You go away for a few hours, you’re help is needed and then well it isn’t! Glad you found the snail. Knowing Andimac’s sense of humour the next ‘toon will have a GIGANTIC snail no-one can miss!
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Well, think on… when I was lost, to whom did I turn?
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Snails are hermaphrodites I think.
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Oh… That’s a bit woke, isn’t it?
🙂
Well, I can’t call the snail “it”. That’s just plain rude.
I’ll have to seek advice!
Munguin…….
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They are. Still need two of them, though; the male half of one connects with the female half of the other and vice versa.
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Quite handy when you are a very slow mover and spend most of your life pretty much standing sillo…. which makes chasing the girls, or chasing the boys a bit difficult.
So you chase whatever snail you see !!!
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Incidentally, although off topic, we were talking the other day about how the Welsh are being made to pay for HS2, despite it going nowhere near their country…
I wonder if there will be some compensation to their government given this:
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/jul/30/hs2-officially-unachievable-red-rating-problems-london-birmingham?CMP=share_btn_tw
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Aye, just like our payment for a project thhat comes nowhere near.
As we’ve discussed before, why not raise the loading gauge to allow for double deck carriages on the existing lines?
Raise bridges or lower the line, lots of construction work, realignments to minimise disruption.
OT.
Nuclear power stations in the uk.
Torness unit 1, 600MW, AGR, closure date 2028
Torness unit 2, 600MW, AGR, closure date 2029
Sizwell B 1200MW, PWR, closure date not avail.
Haysham 1, unit 1, 500MW,AGR, closure date 2026
Haysham 1, unit 2, 500MW, AGR, closure date 2026
Haysham 2, unit 1, 600MW,AGR, closure date 2028
Haysham 1, unit 2, 600MW, AGR, closure date 2028
Hartlepool 1, unit 1, 600MW,AGR, closure date 2024
Hartlepool 1, unit 2, 600MW, AGR, closure date 2024
Notice anything?
Without the ‘in build’ new station we will be left with 1200MW in service, a loss of 4GW.
No wonder they are putting in a new HVDC link from Dornoch to Hull, a new one at Torness and another from Peterhead, both to Yorkshire.
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Don’t worry though, Dave.
Rich Boy has found loads of oil in Scotland and intends to steal it, so he won’t need the nuclear stations any more.
I don’t know how long it takes to build new nuclear stations normally, but you can guarantee i will take the Bitis twice as long after they persuade the French to show them how.
As for double deck trains… other countries manage them fine. Britain is world beating at not managing things.
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Funny wee man that we have as pm.
It’s only a short time ago that he was boasting about house building success.
Today, Marshalls, a build supply company that makes bricks, is saying they have to close a factory and reduce production due to a serious loss of business in the last year.
You don’t need many guesses to work out where the factory to be closed is.
Lanark, Scotland.
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That’s odd, we’ve built far more houses for renting and buying per head than England has. Everywhere we go there are building sites or fresh new estates of white boxes with zero character…
But Rich boy has promised to build a million houses in the next year and a half, so soon there won’t be any countryside left.
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The ***** (rhymes with Witch) is back….
Here is my (weak) contribution to this week’s JFAL….cut me some slack I’m just back from Cambridge !
***
1. My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday…
Is she crazy?
She knows my dog is getting married that day!
*****
2. Duck walks into a bar…
“Got any bread?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”
“No…and if you ask me again I’ll nail your beak to the bar”
“Got any nails?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”
*****
3. The neighbours kid challenged me to a water fight.
I’m in
Just waiting for the water to boil.
*****
4. Knock Knock
Who’s there
The postman
The postman who
Look do you want this parcel or not
*****
5. 70% of marriage is yelling “What” ?…from a different room.
*****
6. Never date a Tennis player
Love means nothing to them
*****
7. I love Chicken fried rice as much as the next guy.
But you will never convince me a Chicken fried this rice.
*****
8. (Testing Cat-Human translator)
Scientist: “Cat what is your name” ?
Cat: “My name is Kang the destroyer”
Cat’s Owner: “ It’s not working his name is socks”
*****
9. My son asked me, “What does déjà vu mean?”
I said, “I have a feeling you asked me this before!”
*****
10. I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano…
I think it was an orchestrated attack!
*****
Hope everyone has had a great day
🙂
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LOL, Welcome back NMRN…
I hope you had a good time abroad and that the weather was a bit kinder than it’s been here.
Brilliant jokes again…
My favourites…2, 6, 9.
Thank you.
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magic
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