JUST FOR A LAUGH

WARNING: this post may have to be updated when we discover that Truss has been anointed and appointed by the 0.03% of the population that gets to choose the prime minister in the yUK.

After all, that’s gonna put all other jokes to shame.

1. This can only be served in glasses with crown… and as you can see, it is the colour we were told the passports would be before they weren’t. Of course, it will have the bouquet currently associated with English water and Brexit. Diesel fumes from waiting in a queue at Dover, mixed with good old English sewage. It will not be for sale in Scotland.

2. Well (no pun intended) that’s what ya get. You can mix it with the Brexit gin.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7. Damn, so you should be!

8. The ability to speak several languages is an advantage:::: But the ability shut your gob is priceless.

9. Can you see the crowns on their glasses?

10.

WHO remembers the days when milk was delivered to the doorstep? When some milkmen also delivered eggs and other stuff?

A collection of notes left by householders inside the empty bottles by the front door:

·    Dear milkman: I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.

·    Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

·    Cancel one pint after the day after today.

·    From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.

·    Sorry about yesterday’s note, I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints but the other way round.

·    Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote the note yesterday.

·    Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

·    Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

·    Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it about in my pocket for weeks.

·    Please send me a government form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

·    Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

·    My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence because we want to play bingo tonight.

·    When you leave my milk please knock on window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

·    Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS don’t leave any milk.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

“After marriage husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can’t face each other but still they stay together”. – Al Gore.

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

21.

“A wife inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them”. – Mike Tyson.

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”– Bill Clinton.

   “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”– Michael Jordan.

   “A good wife will always forgive her husband when she’s wrong.” – Barack Obama.

    “When you are in love, wonders happen. But once you get married, you wonder what happened.” – Steve Jobs.

22.

23.

A mediaeval scribe at his desk is writing: “My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect. And for that I am eternally grapefruit.”

24.

25.

More statements with confidence that has evaporated:

·    “The internet will fade away because most people have nothing to say to each other. By 2005 it will be clear that the internet’s impact on the global economy has been no greater than the fax machine.” Paul Krugman, renowned economist, 1998.

·    “The idea of a personal communicator in every pocket is nothing more than a pipe-dream fuelled by greed.” Andy Grove, CEO of Intel, 1992.

·    1876: “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.  We have plenty of messenger boys.” — William Preece, British Post Office.

·    1959: “Before man reaches the moon, your mail will be delivered within hours from New York to Australia by guided missiles.  We stand on the threshold of rocket mail.” — Arthur Summerfield, US Postmaster-General.

·    2006..”Everyone’s always asking me when Apple will come out with a cell phone.  My answer is, ‘Probably never.'” — David Pogue, the New York Times.

·    “Heavier than air flying machines are physically impossible”. Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and physicist, 1895.

·    “No-one will ever need more than 637KB of memory in a computer. 640KB ought to be enough for anybody.” Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft, 1981.

·    “This ‘telephone’ has far too many shortcomings to be taken seriously as a means of communication. It has objectively no value.” William Orton, President of Western Union, 1876.

26.

27.

“I just finished installing a 5G mast when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people’s health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

“4G must’ve fried her brain!”

28.

Her speech bubble: “You’re gullible and financially irresponsible!”

His: “Wait ’til she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery.”

29.

And this one…

Who is building the wall?

30.

Thanks to John, Claudine, Erik, TM, Andimac, Graham, Brenda.