Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? – Kelvin Throop III
*****
“So your blind date had measurements of 39-23-35?”
“Yeah. But sadly not in that order.”
*****
Pillage. That’s when a chemist’s shop gets robbed.
*****
He: “Would you like to dance?”
She: “I don’t like this music and besides, even if I did, you’re the last person I’d dance with.”
He: “I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in that dress.”
6.
Frank Richards limerick from the point of view of zoo inmates.
A monkey exclaimed with great glee:
‘The things in this zoo that I see!
The curious features
Of those strange creatures
That come and throw peanuts at me!’
12.
The Mysteries of Anatomy
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?
In the crown of your head can jewels be found?
Who crosses the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails of your toes?
Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,
Or beat the drum of your ear?
Can the calf of your leg eat the corn off your tore?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I’ll be darned if I know. Do you?
23.
Thanks to TM, AndiMac, Graham, Erik, Brenda, John, Brendan.
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
Haha, all brilliant, the loo roll on tower bridge, very clever and lol. Humans have lost the plot, only solution is to laugh as much as humanly possible.
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Apparently its getting worse and while the English holiday season is still on, people on the south coasts can’t use beaches…
Staycations out the window so you have to queue for hours to escape and spend your money abroad.
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Excellent funnies today. I wonder how many would have spotted the lol above andi’s snail and got the double meaning! All in all my funny bone was tickled and I’m laughing so much I make a hyena seem glum 🙂
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Rob Rinder – ‘Johnson is giving us his undivided indifference’ 👍
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LOL… He’s even stopped counting the bodies that are piling up.
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I didn’t see it at first… VERY clever.
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Like the police one where they’re looking for the 40 new hospitals.
Great selection.
Only one missing is the new band,
Liz truss and the blockheads.
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LOL. I’m sure there will soon be one… The new cabinet. Ian Dury would have made a better PM.
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surely a misprint, it should be Liz Truss and the Bollockheads
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🙂
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Très drôles, Tris. Particularly liked the bog roll on Tower Bridge.
As Hetty said (I paraphrase), if you didn’t laugh, you’d cry.
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Or get dysentery, Ed!!!!
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As the inimitable Tom Lehrer once sang anent Mexico,
“We ate, we drank and were merry,
and got typhoid and dysentery”.
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LOL
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Perhaps only vaguely on topic, Tris, but I read earlier that the source of the Thames has dried up, for the first time ever (as far as anyone knows).
The Yangtze, the Rhine and the Loire are down to a trickle. Barge traffic on the Rhine is being forced to carry less than half their normal loads because of the low river levels. Knock-on price effects in Germany; German Government firing up mothballed coal-burning power plants because of the shortage of gas from Russia, but the barge traffic that would bring the coal to them is seriously affected…
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Throw in power stations on rivers having to reduce load due to lack of cooling water for the condensers in France, their big stations need lots of cooling water for 1000MW electrical will be running at over 2500MW heat generated.
Drowning street says you can ust use all the power you want over the winter as there’s NO chance of power cuts, I don’t believe it, quote from Victor Meldrew.
In the UK today we are burning coal to meet the load due to low wind and solar as it’s overcast.
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You can use all the power you want as long as you are the queen or one of her family and the civil list is paying your bills.
If you work for a living, probably best to burn your furniture and consider which of your family would make a good roast!
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I love my few remaining family members, Tris, but I do frequently imagine singeing them a bit round the edges. None of them has given me occasion to contemplate hanging, drawing and quartering, at least not recently.
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Fortunately though, Ed, there’s no such thing as climate change, so nothing to worry about!
I’m most worried about the animals and plants to be honest.
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A most defensible point of view, Tris.
The need for backup power generation when the wind don’t blow and the sun don’t shine is evident. However, there are ways to even out such fluctuations without burning fossil fuels.
The first is to get power through an interconnector from someone else who has it. The problem at the moment is that the French and everyone else on the Continong is having problems generating power because of the cost and availability of gas, and the reduction in MWe from nuclear (and other) plants because of a lack of cooling water.
That’s a long-term problem. I note that Westinghouse (?) is planning or beginning to build and sell small nuclear generation units of a standard size for sale off the shelf, i.e., built in a factory rather than on site. That should radically bring down the cost and construction times relative to what we have now, when each plant is pretty much a bespoke design. The new production-line models are based on the power plants of nuclear subs, so they’re a tried and tested design. They’re said to be good on the production of waste too, though the article I read did not explain why that should be. So the future of nuclear may be lots of small plants rather than a few huge ones.
I wish they’d develop thorium reactors, though: much lower production of materials for bombs.
There is a lot of untapped power from renewables, as we all know. Tidal power is very promising; the problem that every tidal turbine has zero output at slack tide. The remedy for that is obvious: put lots of them all round the coast to take advantage of the difference in tide times.
For Scotland, I’d like to see the construction of another interconnector between Norway and Peterhead, i.e., the one that Westminster switched from NE Scotland to NE England. I’m not sure about the current situation, but the mainland, Orkney, Fair Isle and the Shetlands should all be linked.
More ambitiously, and interconnector with Iceland – which the Icelanders have been touting for years if not decades now – would be a supremely good idea. It should go via the Faeroes.
The Icelander might want to connect to the Canadian grid via Greenland.
All these ideas would help with decarbonization, and let the islands come off diesel generation – which must be pretty damn expensive right now.
There’s another thing that could and should be done. Elon Musk supplied an enormous lithium battery farm to Australia, which was having severe generating capacity problems. They function like a hydroelectric pumped storage scheme.
Your house can be equipped with not just PV panels but storage batteries as well. A really smart grid could take power from your batteries at times of peak demand (and pay you for it). If you have an electric car, the batteries in that could be used too, and not just for your own purposes.
Finally, reducing demand. We all know about this, but the glaring opportunity to save huge amounts of energy in the UK is by insulating our homes properly. Our building standards are far, far behind what we need today, and far, far behind other Nordic countries. The same applies for water. Reduce demand, and that’s one more power station you don’t need to build, or one more fossil fuel plant you can close. With water, it’s one more reservoir you don’t need to build, or one more river that doesn’t suffer from having too much of its flow abstracted.
I think that’s more than enough greenery for now. I shall return to my sheep.
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Thing is that the UK has made a mess of so much over the years whilst playing general factotum to the USA in the hopes that they might seem just a little important and letting their no-mark PMs pretend that they matter…when they don’t.
If they’d spent a bit more on running Britain for Brits and a little less on running Britain for themselves, maybe we wouldn’t be in all sorts of messes… and we might be a little more like the Icelanders, Norwegians and other Nordics.
Now wouldn’t that be something?
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Lesley Riddoch’s ace series on the other Nordics was a real eye-opener: there’s a big difference between knowing a thing as a dry fact, and seeing it live and in action.
So much better than we have here – it’s distressing, very distressing indeed, to think of the wasted opportunities, the wasted lives, the lives lived in suffering caused by deliberate impoverishment and denial of opportunities. And yes, I hate the Tories for it. They often make me seethe with anger.
We have to put a stop to it. It’s up to us to do what Labour only claimed to want to do, and failed. Independence is not just a political and economic imperative, it is a social and moral imperative too. In the face of the likes of Johnson, Gove, Truss, Duncan-Smith, Sunak, Mogg, the ERG and the general ruck of Westminster Tory gammon, it’s become even more of an existential question than it has ever been.
Thanks for allowing me to vent, people; it’s just that sometimes it all really gets to me. Come to think of it, it happens often in response to people outside Scotland who, however delightful, knowledgeable and wise in other ways, simply do not get it when it comes to our nation and our yearning for a better country. [Insert emoji of aged gent banging his head against a brick wall.]
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You are welcome, Ed.
Munguin’s Venting Republic.
I’m good with venting.
I watched Lesley’s series in Norway, Faroes and Iceland. They were excellent. I also attended her lecture in Perth.
I’ve never been to the Faroes, but my experience of other Nordic countries is that I would far rather live there than here.
They are vastly better run …but as I say, they aren’t rying to “punch above their weight” as David Cameron seemed to proud that Britain was doing. Seeming, he was unaware that money spent on being a BIG noise in the world was money not spent on the British taxpayer… on roads, hospitals, pension, schools, etc. and although, to an extent, it benefited him by getting him expensive dinners in Riyadh and Washington, it did absolutely diddly squat for the likes of me.
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Love your rants Ed, they build up rhythm and rattle along with cadence, passion and sincerity.
Re Lesley Riddoch; we took a Union voting friend along to see her presenting her Norway film and taking questions afterwards. The was the light from a new dawn for him, he saw what can happen when a government works to enhance the well being, prospects of all. He is now a big supporter of independence.
I feel the big fear for Westminster from Scottish independence is having tens of thousands of family and friend connections either side of a border. A border that has on the other side a government with a different working motive, one that is working for the benefit of all the citizens. That they have no control over the flow of information passed back and forth, a porous border. A terrifying prospect for a state that has been developing and operating a system of power management over the citizens from Elizabethan times. Well Elizabethan times but for a small hiccup, a short time after WWII when housing, health and education went through a long overdue transformation. An aberration that was soon rectified, by making sure both parties were brought (bought?) into the fold, to sing from the same hymn sheet. Hark back to MacMillan’s “boast” you’ve never had it so good. It wasn’t a boast, it was a complaint, wealth disparity hadn’t been as small, this also was soon rectified.
Corbyn was another serious threat to their developed system though being in a way an internal threat it was easier to deal with. Our independence movement is seen, not as democracy but as a product of devolution. Devolution was the Pandora’s box, independence is not now an internal affair for them, devolution will need to go. We need to be gone before that.
I am an optimist I see Scotland free but the negotiations give me concern. I worry for England and the trajectory things are taking. To implement an ideology, disaster, crisis or malcontent is needed in the majority of the population (the UK seems to be heading for all three). The malcontent needs to be controlled, managed too much and there is a good chance of riots. We have hope England has Liz or Rishi to look forward to for the continued management of their malcontent.
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Interesting, Alan.
I think a lot of Scots either never go abroad, or when they do, they go maybe to the beaches of the Mediterranean/Adriatic.
So they don’t see how much different life is in other, similar countries For us, that’s the Nordic and Low countries.
I think she only did the three countries… Iceland, Faroes and Norway.
It would be good for her to do some more… although she may not be interested in Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Netherlands or Luxembourg in all of which life is markedly better for the population in general… but not perhaps for the people at the top.
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She had started one on Finland but not enough funding to Finish. That was cheap, head bowed I’ll close the door quietly behind me.
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LOL… Hell someone sunk it?
Munguin handed me my coat and took my key from me…
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Lol, worse than mine, if that is possible.
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I’ll take that as a compliment! 🙂
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The water companies will be hoping that an Indian summer isn’t going to happen, they’ll be off the hook until next year.
The do nothing government will help.
Saw a wee video that there’s an increase in sea lice infestation on the south coast.
Another that there was a looting incident in Oxford street, london, no reports in the media.
The doctors are to be allowed to write prescriptions for donations to the energy traders, IF you can get an appointment.
We are so thankful for the buffoon’s indifference, just think how well off we could be, ready for Indy yet?
Just for a laugh we don’t have enough training places for RAF pilots or aircraft fit to fly, in a way it’s a good job the buffoon is friendly with the Russians.
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Brilliant….better to laugh than to cry….well…sometimes…here’s my attempt at ‘funnies’
I phoned the local gym instructor and asked if he could teach me the splits.
He said: “How flexible are you?
I replied, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
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I’ve opened three birthday cards and I’m already £150 up…
I love being a postman!
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians?
Everyone.
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Some days I wake up grumpy…
The other days I let her sleep!
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I got sacked for asking a customer if they wanted smoking or non smoking….
Apparently I am supposed to ask if they want cremation or burial!
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Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train it seems pretty painful!
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Corny…..but hey may raise a wee titter amidst all of the doom and gloom….
Have a nice day everyone
🙂
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They did indeed, NMRN… Bit of a titter for some and a good belly laugh for others.
Thank you.
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My copy of ‘Lives of the Saints’ is getting a bit ld (like me) so I was pleasantly surrised to come across a more recent editio. Even more so by some of the new additions. Here’s a few (with beneficarcy/patronage in brackets):
St Andin Grumonli (UK public transport users)
St Raphangas (ditto underground passengers)
St Iring da Phot (agitators and subversives)
St Iring Dasheet (ditto in India)
St Onne de Croz (expressors of surprise)
St Oan de Flamincroz (ditto in Australia)
St Aris Starinyte (Vincent van Gogh/Don McLean)
St Upid e-Jitz (Twitter & Facebook users)
St Olen d’Munni (tax evaders, bank robbers, UK PPE suppliers)
St Roak O’Fluck (Irish gamblers)
St Raitan d’Narro (criminal rehabilitation)
St Anne le Naif (carpet layers and sharp instrument assault victims)
St Ryekas de Mandmor (trade unionists, successful lightning bolts)
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I just realized that you have to read the “St” as in “STop.” I was reading it as “Saint” and not getting the jokes at all.
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🙂
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Love St Roak O’Fluck!!!!
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John, I’m surprised you didn’t mention that St Iring Dasheet is also the patron saint of English sea bathers.
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LOL… Are there such things these days, Andi?
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Thanks, Andi, Although is a newish edition I think it still predates the drastic decline of English beach hygiene. They probably need a patron saint of their own, so I shall press for the urgent confirnation of St Aines of Excreter.
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LOL
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St Roak O’Jenius, John.
Nor should we forget St Radu Various, patron saint of string instrumentalists, Romanian ones in particular, or St Ormey Dan-els, patron saint of presidential squeezes.
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LOL.
You guys should be on the radio!!!
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From Alex… (landed on the wrong page!)
Alex Montrosesays:
August 22, 2022 at 13:57
Rees Mogg should do a bairns book on the happy fish of England, they love a bit of raw sewage for their t, mmmmmmm.
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If you don’t like bad language don’t watch this, otherwise please enjoy!
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Brilliant, PP
Bang on too.
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Congratulations, PP. I agree with Tris – bang on!
P.S. I did have to refresh my memory on the meaning of merkin. It signifies a pubic wig.
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Excellent thread from Brenda.
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