JUST FOR A LAUGH

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And then…

2. The same Andrea Jenkins on being made English Education Minister. What a good example to set your kids, Munguin says.

Daniel Thew Facebook

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch.”

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NO 4 has been withdrawn due to the fact that, although it had been posted in good faith, the tweet was later disowned. (as per post below).

A couple of days ago I posted a quote from Alex Massie comparing Boris Johnson to Charles de Gaulle. It was a misrepresentation so I’ve deleted it. Sorry @alexmassie

I kind of go on about truth in media & positive campaigning so I need to keep in order. Have a good weekend 🙌

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5. Alister Jack.

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Michael Dougan

There was me thinking Johnson was the most deranged Tory Brexit freak around this evening. Until Suella Braverman declares her ambition to run for PM – then you realise, in fact, the well of deranged Tory Brexit freakery truly runs very deep indeed.

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“When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says: ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’

“Really? What happens then? “

“Then my body says: ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’”

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AN ELDERLY fellow is testing his wife’s hearing. He goes about 20m behind her and asks: “Can you hear me sweetheart?”

No reply.

He moves to 10m away and asks again.

No reply.

At 5m, not a word.

A few centimetres behind her ear, he asks: “Can you hear me now, honey?”

She: “For the fourth time, yes!”

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A contribution from Bulgaria

RECENTLY I lamented the fact that the Tory politicos in Britain are way ahead of us hacks and scribblers in inventiveness, so outrageous are the larks they get up to.

The latest was the MP named Pincher who got into hot water for “groping” other males in a Tory club, his back teeth awash with booze.

My old pal and colleague John MacDonald, now based in Bulgaria, of all places, disagrees.

Readers will recall John’s entertaining “Wordsworth” column in The Mercury, in which he explored the foibles of the English language

He says we hacks can keep up with the Tory politicos in our own small way. He sends a piece he wrote about Pincher:

The Pincher scandal brings to mind the theory of “nominative determinism’”– that people tend to areas of work, or characteristics, that fit their names. The expression was first used in 1994 by the New Scientist magazine after discovering several studies by researchers with remarkably fitting surnames. Most notable was a paper on incontinence authored by Splatt and Weedon and published in the Journal of Urology.

Further examples were a book on polar explorations by Daniel Snowman, London Under London – A Subterranean Guide’ co-authored by Richard Trench, and a tax accountant called Shelby Goldgrab.

But nominative determinism goes back much further than 1994, In ancient Rome the Latin proverb ‘nomen est omen’ (the name is the sign) was based on the predictive power of a person’s name. The psychologist Carl Jung referred to its occurrence in his own profession, including his own name (Young) and his ideas on rebirth, and Sigmund Freud (Joy) as champion of the pleasure principle.

In the same vein, many people have suggested that my skills and intellect would make me ideally qualified for hamburger flipping. Easily countered. I’m a Mac not a Mc.

Elephants

 John goes on to tell us of an occasion when Shelagh, sister of his lady love, Linda,  and her husband Peter were visiting Durban for the first time.

We were driving home from the airport to Durban North and had got as far as NMR Avenue when Shelah exclaimed; “Look elephants, wow!  – and we’ve only just got here!”

Elephants? Pink maybe if she’d been walloping the gin on the flight from London, but NMR is hardly Tembe.

Then I looked where she was pointing and realised… the circus was in town, on its usual site, and the elephants grazing by the roadside were circus performers, not escapees from Maputaland.

 Ah well, it gave the visitors a brief thrill at seeing African wildlife for the first time.  And they saw the real thing a week later when went to Hluhluwe.

Yes, Wordsworth is a treat.

The above recalls a wonderful clerihew published in the satirical magazine, Private Eye.

Carl Gustav Jung was very well hung,

A fact which annoyed Sigmund Freud.

Yes, nominative determinism.

Tailpiece

What’s big and grey and has horns?

An elephant marching band!

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Thanks to John, Andimac, Graham, Erik, Brenda and TM

Late extras:

The English teacher looks over the Education Minister’s statement. F- Must do better.

And here's Jeremy Hunt announcing that she'd be his deputy.pic.twitter.com/cfxda48uFq

— Femi (@Femi_Sorry) July 10, 2022

How to blow your chance on the first day? Invite Esther McVey.