Boris Johnson dies and with his normal sense of entitlement expects to go direct to Heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and is met by St Peter who explains that they are running a pilot scheme and that everybody gets to spend 12 hours in Hell and 12 in Heaven and then they can then opt for which they prefer.
So St Peter takes BoJo down to Hell and knocks on the doors which are flung open to reveal a beautiful scene, plush lawns & fine buildings as far as can be seen with wine, good food, high fashion, hilarity and fornication in plentiful supply. While Bojo is surprised by this sight he goes in and true to form enjoys all there is to offer. 12 hours later St Peter comes back and takes a reluctant Bojo to Heaven where he spends the time in peaceful tranquillity, civility and good order and he is bored rigid.
St Peter back comes to him and says its time to choose, so without hesitation Bojo says he wants to go back to Hell. St Peter says fair enough and takes him back but this time when the doors open, inside is a wasteland, like a scene from a nuclear apocalypse, with miserable people in rags etc etc. Bojo turns to St Peter and says in horror “But it wasn’t like this 12 hours ago” and St Peter replies “Well today they aren’t after your vote”.
2.
I tried to say: “I’m a functional adult,” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult,” and I feel like that’s more accurate.
7.
SHE got 9 out of 10 in her driver’s test.
The last guy was able to get out of the way.
16.
TWO housewives are chatting over the fence.
“So why did you split with your husband?”
“Could you live with a person who drinks, curses and lies around the house all day in dirty underwear?
“Of course not.”
“Well, neither could he.”
18.
Nelson was 5 feet four inches. His statue on top of the column in London is 18f feet.
That’s Horatio of about 3:1.
21.
I can’t bring myself to say: “Well, I guess I’ll be toddling along.” It isn’t that I can’t toddle. It’s just that I can’t guess I’ll toddle. – Robert Benchley.
23.
At breakfast, a fellow asks his wife: “What would you do I if won the lottery?”
She replies: “I’d take half, and then leave you.”
“Great,” he says, “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”
25.
Thanks to Graham, Erik, Lexie, Brendon, John, Stewart and AndiMac…
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
Finally made first in (so far!) and it’s gone 05:00 here already. Easter Monday lie-in, DonDon? Great start to the day – with pre-dawn patrol grins and giggles. Really liked BoozeJo’s prescient analysis of clinging on, and the Private Eye cover was spot on. That issue still to get here. Must be in the post and will turn up later in the week for even more laughs, sardonic and cynical though they be.
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https://rlv.zcache.com/red_rosette_first_prize_sticker-ra15f831d86ac437fa4d405061a99b814_0ugmp_8byvr_704.webp
Munguin says that the prize is you get the privilege of treating him to a meal at La Tour D’Or in Paris.
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There’s an excellent cartoon of Sunak inside, which has to do with his wife’s tax status.
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haha some good ones. Seen elsewhere
“why are there so many bunnies and chicks at Easter?
It’s due to rabbit eggonomic growth”
“I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon
I’ll let you know…”
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Sky news has just transitted a Palestinian refugee landing at dover. Was met with roman style troops and told he has to bring his own cross and nails for his trip to Rwanda.
Strange that the chap is called Jesus Christ but his passport isn’t suitable for entry into a ‘Christian’ country.
Are they so out of date that they haven’t noticed that there are cabinet members from other religions.
How stupid are mogg and patel?, it’s all about interfering with the people traffickers business plan.
Easier and cheaper to goive them a ticket for the ferry.
If, La Pen wins maybe that’s what she will do.
Meantime there are lorry parks on the M20.
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I wonder if they have put up some portaloos on the M20.
Loads of drivers from the continent saying that they won’t go back to England because their companies saying it is uneconomical to sit in a queue for days (not to mention uncomfortable without toilet facilities).
Add that to the lack of “cabotage” and Britbin has become a no go area.
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LOL…
Love the one about Mogg!
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Awwwwww……
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Was Nicola set up at the weekend?
Seeems she’s been reported to the police for not wearing a mask in a barber’s shop in East Kilbride.
The customer who took the video appears to be Jane Lax, ex treasurer of the tories and suspended from her party for abusive tweets.
The report in the telegraph seems to suggest the above but you can never believe the english media.
Seems that the church leadership should not be preaching the bible story of one Jesus of Nazereth as it is a political message.
Maybe that’s why mogg likes the word to be in latin so that the plebs don’t get to see his christian thoughts on poor people seen for what they are hypocracy.
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More eggsaggeration from the looney yoonies. It helps to keep her in the news much to the disgust of the anti-independence opponents. Most people don’t follow politics as some political junkies would like them to, they can howl into the night. Since the arrival of computers and broadband the majority these days don’t watch the TV news or read newspapers as they did 20 years ago.
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Yep. Something and nothing.
I don;t know if there is anyone more careful about masking up, and washing hands and distancing than I am. I drive people mad with it. And I glare at anyone not wearing a mask and back away from them.
It’s as far as I can go without shouting “unclean, unclean”.
But one day, not even in company so no distraction, I walked into Lidl and was half way up the first aisle before I remembered that I hadn’t put a mask on.
Immediately I remedied it. But it is easy to do even for a half mad fanatic like me.
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Yep, my wife and I did the same thing last year. Only difference was that it was Aldi.
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I see Nicola has been spoken to by Police Scotland. No further action.
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No fine?
Oh, the Tories will be livid.
She didn’t sing happy birthday to the barber, you see… and there was no cake, or booze.
Murdo the Hillwalker (remember, during lockdown) will be sad.
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I think Mogg likes it in Latin because, as he doesn’t understand the language, he can pretend that he is living a Christian life.
Pauperes liberi esuriunt et profugos in Ruanda mittunt.
I think Nicola went into the barbers shop talking to someone and didn;t realise that she had not put her mask on, for around a minute, then put it on.
The woman concerned seems to be the disgraced Tory ex-candidate who ridiculed Nicola for having a miscarriage.
A fine specimen of humanity, don;t you think?
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