Ruth Davidson – MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC

From the office of the prime minister of the UNITED kingdom of England and its lesser possessions and territories

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Dear Nikolas,

We were very tolerant towards your lesser self in the early stages of our taking over the top job at the centre of the Empire at No 10 Downing Street, London ENGLAND. We think we may even have done you the honour of visiting you in your bedsit at Bute Cottage in Aberburgh, although, of course, we do not recall.

However, following our tremendous and spectacular General Election victory, and now that we have grown in stature in our position as triumphant leader of OUR United Kingdom and become close to world statesmen such as Mr Netenyahu and Mr Erdogan, not to mention HRH Excellency Trump and His Majesty King Salman, we feel that further discussion with a junior minister of a mere district would be inappropriate. Besides which, as I am now busily (and successfully) engaged in a red, white and blue Brexit, which means Brexit (including for your district) so that Britain can take back control of everything from the foreigners who are out to get us British people, I’m simply too busy to be bothered with inferiors.

It has been decided, therefore, that if you have anything that you wish to discuss with your superiors here at Empire Central, in our great capital city of London, you should address those matters with the Rt Hon David Mud… Mund… well, you know who I mean, and of course, if you can find her (she seems to have gone walkabout since Ms Arlene and I struck up a friendship) the Rt Hon and Gallant Lady, Colonel Davidson. Alternatively, you may try to approach the Noble Lord Duncan in his Baronial Castle, although I understand that he doesn’t much like commoners. A curtsey is appropriate.

You will not, any longer, be allowed to address yourself directly to us personally, and we intend to instruct the queen that she is no longer to grant you an audience, but must hold herself always in readiness for any occasion on which we wish to have a photo-opportunity with her, or get her to open our parliament.

Do not let any of that make you feel any less important than you already are.

Rule Britannia. God save the Queen and Theresa May

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Her Britannic Empr , sorry, Prime Ministerialness

Signed per pro

in her absence.

(Note to Cabinet Secretary: Send same sort of thing to that Welsh blokey, and the people in IOM, Channel Islands, and Gibraltar, Falklands and the rest of my empire. DO NOT ON ANY ACCOUNT SEND TO BELFAST on pain of death.)

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

So, in 1775, said Samuel Johnson.

I think I can understand that. Patriotism is used by governments to persuade us to support something they are doing, which without patriotism, would be insupportable.

Examples of that could be the interventions in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya or Syria. We are unpatriotic if we do not support our troops, and the actions they are taking.

Of course, the government don’t really support the troops either. Except in November at the Cenotaph, where they get all dressed up and look solemn for a couple of hours or on Armed Forces Day. Any other time they are taking money away from them, making them redundant and diddling them out of pensions.

So, it worries me that Leadsom is trying to persuade broadcasters that instead of reporting the news as it is, they should filter it through a prism of red white and blue patriotism so that the complete mess they are making of our lives, whether with austerity, mismanagement of the country, or Brexit, can be excused because it’s red white and blue and British… which makes it perfect.

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Added to that, I think that the job of honorary colonels of regiments, if we have to have them at all, should be given to members of the royal family, not serving politicians.

I know Ruth is some way away from being first minister, but she aspires to it. It would be wholly inappropriate to have a military person, even honorary, as the leader of our country.

A MISSIVE ARRIVES AT MUNGUIN TOWERS

So, a few days ago, I got a communication from the Conservative candidate in Dundee East. Kind of her to get in touch, I thought. Dundee East’s a relatively safe SNP seat these days. Previously it was a relatively safe Labour seat. So it’s a fair guess that she’s not going to be elected. But Munguin and I had a look at it, just out of interest. We were a quite a bit surprised.

Here is the leaflet:

Now I don’t remember ever getting a Tory leaflet through my door before, so I’m wondering if they have always been in the habit of calling themselves the Conservative and Unionist Party. Of course, I know it’s their full name, but I didn’t think they used it.

Next, I note that we have a small picture of Eleanor Price, so we know who she is. Under that is a bar chart with the percentage vote taken from a Sunday Times Poll from back in April. Clearly though, that was the picture in the whole of Scotland at that time, and not in Dundee, and there is no real guarantee that the vote in YES city would reflect these figures. (Since the seat was established in the 1950s it has been either Labour or SNP. Never Tory.)

Thirdly, we see a large photograph of Ruth Davidson. Why? This is a Westminster Election. Ruth Davidson isn’t standing; she’s not going to be an MP. What has she got to do with it? The UK’s man in Scotland is supposed to be the Secretary of State, David Mundell. We pay him an exceedingly generous salary to do that job… he and some aristocrat who is allegedly his deputy. So why Ruth, who is only the leader of the Scottish Branch of the Conservative and Unionist Party.? (Is there even such a legal party as the Scottish Conservatives? I can’t find it registered with the Electoral Commission.)

Lastly, we note that Ruth has adopted the William Bain Principle. In short, regardless of what the SNP proposes, she will oppose it. So that’s a nice, grown up, constructive attitude to take, huh?

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Ms Price’s priorities, if returned to Westminster would be, first and foremost to oppose the SNP’s plans (do they actually have any yet) for a referendum.

She quite reasonably wishes to support local business. To be honest, which party, save maybe the Communist Party, would not? She spoils that noble idea by bringing in the somewhat discredited and incredibly overplayed “strong and stable” catch phrase.

If she spent her time in Westminster campaigning, as she proposes here, for better educational attainment, she might find that the Speaker would ask her to be seated, and her Scottish Parliament opposite number might ask her to butt out of HER job. It’s outwith Westminster’s remit (unless she knows something more than we do about Mayhem’s intention to take back powers).

The the best of my knowledge roads and all but cross-border transport (so that wouldn’t be local) are also outwith her job description…again with the proviso that she may be privy to London’s plans to reduce Edinburgh’s remit.

IMG_20170527_111851800_HDR — At Terry’s suggestion we had a top milliner flown in from Paris, and at last, the leaflet had a purpose in life.

Of course, she’d kinda have to promise to be a strong voice for Dundee… so that’s a given.

And finally, we get a couple of photographs of her in Broughty Ferry, on her own with the castle and then with two brothers who are Tory councillors for the Broughty Ferry Ward.

I hope she knows that there is a good deal more to the constituency than that.