OH, I DO LIKE A LITTLE HOLIDAY, DON’T YOU?

Yo, Grumpy Face. If people weren’t interested in you, you and your family would be gone, tout de suite.

Not long back from a break in France at Elton John’s estate, Harry Windsor and his Mrs and Erchie have decided to take a six-week break in the USA.

I was thinking of doing the same, but don’t worry, Danny and Jon, I won’t be visiting. Munguin said that if I paid someone to come in and look after his interests, I could have next Friday afternoon off.

Harry would like to settle in Capetown, South Africa. Exactly why he thought that would be a good idea I’m not entirely sure, given that South Africa is a republic. And he wants to build a home in Botswana, also a republic.

Given that we have to provide him, his wife and his son with 24/7 protection, has it occurred to him how much this is going to cost the UK taxpayer?

Silly question. Of course he hasn’t.

Apparently, they want somewhere where they can have complete privacy and will not be disturbed. So how about the house that the taxpayer had done up for them at Frogmore on the Windsor estate? £2.4 million of our money wasted on a home that they need to leave to get privacy?

Frogmore, apparently a cottage that we paid £2.4 million to do up for Harry.

 

What’s wrong with Frogmore? It looks not bad to me. No privacy? On a royal estate? What is it? Neighbours popping in to borrow some sugar?

But really, how many ordinary homes could we have built for the homeless with £2.4 million?

And how many people can take 6 weeks off, just because they did a whole ten-days’ work touring in Africa?

OK, let me explain it in simple terms, Harry.

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Like she was born to it. 

You and your family, by and large, are an anachronism.

In order to avoid being overthrown, as an outdated and unnecessary expense, the palace, government and press made you all into little “celebrities”, a bit like Jordan or Kim Kardashian.

Your whole raison d’être is to provide entertainment for the easily pleased. Ant and Dec should be introducing you. Like it or not, that is how you are seen (and Boris Johnson has done his part in showing that even your grandmother is no more than his puppet).

If you don’t want to be in the public eye, we’re cool with that. God knows, it’s not like there’s a dearth of royal wasters. Your holidaying cousins Beatrix and Eugenie, your idiot uncle, Air Miles (although he too is keeping a low profile of late… I wonder why) and your brother and his wife, being carried around by ‘natives’ like they were somehow better than other people and deserving of the honour.

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Hey Willy, is that a great big spider I see crawling up your trouser leg?

So if you want to get out of the limelight, mate, sod off to Capetown or Botswana or Mars for all we care, but do it on your money or your family’s money, not ours.

If not, stop whinging, stop scowling and get on with your bloody job of being a minor celeb.

As my last boss (before Munguin) was wont to say, Fit In or F*** Off.

GLOBAL BRITAIN (the pantomime)

PRESENTS THE MOST EXPENSIVE EVER PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE BORIS JOHNSON FOR KING PARTY

The panto begins 

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But who’s playing Cinderella?

She’s gonna be late for her big number.

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That’s how to deal with those Extinction Rebels, chaps, what what!
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Which one is the handsome prince? Oh, OK, they couldn’t get that bloke from Denmark, so there isn’t one. OK, we’ll just have to make do with Charlie Big Ears.
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They need that many to guard two old women and one old man?
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Seem to be really fond of red in England? Or is it just this season’s colour?
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Can one just polish one’s shoes when one is dine there?
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The gentlemen of the chorus are a bit overdressed.
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Oh dear lord, give me strength. No wonder he was replaced by a man called Richard Braine. No, seriously, I kid you not! 
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If looks could kill, Johnson would be in the Tower for making a complete fool of Liz for the second time in as many weeks.

 

 

PARLIAMENT IS PROROGUED

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So, I’ve been following Marky Booth on Twitter as he patiently waited for parliament to be prorogued. I pinched this cartoon from him. Oh sorry, it’s actually a picture.

Anyway, twice in the last month, we’ve had to sit through Black Rod mumbling some antiquated nonsense, and some ermine clad ne’er do wells toffs doffing their caps, as Boris manages to once again shut down democracy with the compliance of Elizabeth Saxe Coburg Gotha.

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Why they do all this dressing up in strange costumes and taking their hats off (only the men it seems) heaven only knows. Maybe there is a reason hidden in the mists of time and tradition. Maybe there isn’t and they just like dressing up is strange clothes. Who knows when it comes to the English aristocracy?

I was going to say, “who cares?” But I think I do. All these people, after all, are highly paid and/or on massive expenses and I help pay for them and their costumes which are doubtless expensive too.

And what is it all?

Why can’t the Speaker and Lords Speaker just read off a sheet that parliament is suspended until Monday by order of the queen and then everyone can go home, or wherever it is they go in London?

Well, of course,what it is for this time is so that on Monday the Toytown prime minister can have his party political broadcast read by the queen, who presumably will have had to come back from Balmoral, also at considerable expense, to read his list of promises, from her golden throne, after arriving in procession, accompanied by page boys, ladies in waiting and all manner of tra la la.

According to the Institute for Fiscal Studies, the promises that have been made over the last few weeks, and which will presumably to be included in this Clown Speech from the throne, are utterly unaffordable given the shitstorm of no deal that we are about to enter. Presumably, if she is paying attention Liz will already know that its a pack of lies, but will, nonetheless, read it out anyway.

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So all the nonsense about 40 new hospitals (that on closer inspection became 6) and massive spending on infrastructure, or indeed for us Scots, all the money Johnson was guaranteeing to spend here to make up for the fact that Holyrood treats us so badly… you know, not making us pay for tertiary education or prescriptions or extra bedrooms or care for the elderly… you know the sort of thing… well, we can forget it. Tax increases and spending cuts to pay for this fool’s Brexit are going to be the order of the day.

Still, it is comforting to know that, no matter how bad things get, the Brits will always find enough money for tricorn hats and weird rituals.

A STATE VISIT FROM THE BLOKEY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

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State dinner with President Obama.

I read that the queen (for which Maybot) has invited Donald Trump to make a state visit to the UK in June. That’s pretty short notice for the immense amount of preparation that will be required to keep him entertained and safe.

(Although to be fair, you could keep him entertained by giving him a bucket load of McDonalds and KFC, setting up Fox and Friends on his tv and allowing him free reign on Twitter.)

I’m a little dubious as to why this is happening.

When Trump made a visit back in 2018, there were mass protests and he was obliged to keep himself out of the way of ordinary people. He was helicoptered everywhere so that he could avoid facing the public.

There is no reason to suggest that it would be any different this time. Except that, on a state visit, he will be expected to go places and do things with members of the royal family and government (even if it’s raining).

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Talk about a face like a torn scone… Tubby pushes in front of the queen while inspecting the troops

A carriage ride down the Mall with royals is almost inevitable. And a big deal shite tie state dinner is normal. That means being close to the public. Crowds can only be controlled to a certain extent, no matter how many police the government is forced to deploy.

The royals may be less than happy to be involved with him.

The queen, of course, has no choice.

But Phil has retired from public duties. Charles is a conservationist and Trump and he are unlikely to make a happy pair. William and Kate have clear issues with him after he made sexist comments about Kate when she was snapped sunbathing nude a few years ago. Harry may have to be deployed, but his American wife will just have had a child… and Harry is pretty far down the pecking order for the so-called “leader of the free world”!

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I suppose they could drag her out and make her earn her massive income just for once. At least we’d all get a laugh at her hat.

Then there is the issue of whether or not he will be invited to address a joint session of the Lords and Commons as were Obama and DubYa.

Bercow is on record saying that he wouldn’t approve it, although refusing permission is not entirely in his remit. The Lord Speaker may be of a different view.

However, I’ve seen a few MPs making it clear that should he be invited to speak, they will be otherwise engaged.

Rude? Yes, but then rudeness and Trump kinda go together.

Maybe, of course, the Maybot has a solution to all these problems. But based on her current form, I reckon that she’d have problems sorting out what to eat for lunch.

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So happy together…

What I can’t understand is why she would add all that extra stress to her already stressful life and for what?

One last thought… I’ve not seen the proposed schedule, but I’m wondering if he will be moving outside England. Anyone know?

I’M TELLING; WE’VE BEEN PUSHED AROUND BUY THE BIG FOREIGN BOY

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After more than two years of being ruthlessly pushed around by the EU, it is time for the UK to resist.

WHAT?

OK, so in my world (and clearly that isn’t the world of Eton, Oxford, Bullington Club, Westminster, and the Daily Telegraph), you haven’t been pushed around. And by “you”, I guess I mean England (and Wales) and your government.

You guys in the Tories decided to offer a referendum as a way of ensuring that people who disliked Europe would vote Tory and not UKIP in 2015. And to an extent, it worked.

Largely due to the UK voting system, your 11.3 million votes got you 331 seats, where are UKIP’s 3.8 million votes got them just 1 seat. Fair, huh?

Having got that far your right wing pushed Cameron to go ahead with the referendum, and he did, but in the absolute certainty (in his head) that he would win. And because of that certainty, he refused to allow any preparation for a possible no leave. Nothing.

When Nicola Sturgeon suggested that he just might lose, he told her not to be silly. Girls in politics, huh? What’s the Eton world coming to?

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So, when the result came in Dave fled for the hills,  beach, leaving whoever was his successor to pick up the pieces with not one single plan having been made. (It is worth noting here, however, that Theresa May had been the Home Secretary in the run up to the referendum, and so she knew that that was the situation when she applied for, and then got, the job.

Now a sensible government would have planned for both conceivable results. This would have meant in short order they could have put together a set of detailed pre-prepared proposals for leaving the EU, including how they would deal with the vexed (nigh insoluble) question of the Ireland/UK border, mindful of the conditions of the Good Friday Agreement and international trade laws regarding borders at the end of jurisdictions.

Replying to 

After 2 years of the EU responding to our decision to break up something we helped build with them, by giving us a range of Brexit options which we’ve rejected, it’s time you accepted that your whole plan is doomed to failure…

I mean you must that thought that through, right?

No?

Ah! Oooooooo K.

Not unreasonable the EU was pressing for some details as quickly as possible. Uncertainty affects both sides in these matters. And they undoubtedly thought that a country like Britain would ahve had plans in place. Of course they would…

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Somewhat optimistically, on March 31 2017, your prime minister triggered article 50 in a communication with the EU and shortly thereafter the UK’s Secretary for Brexit was invited to meet with the appointed negotiator for Europe.

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There we have a picture of David Davis and his bag carrier grinning like Cheshire cats and Monsieur Barnier and his assistants looking rather less cheerful. Could be because while the EU three had clearly done their devoirs,  David’s homework had, just as clearly, been eaten by the dog.

No wonder you were home for lunch.

And that has been the pattern ever since, only interrupted for the period when your prime minister decided that, contrary to all her previous protestations, she was going to waste a month of precious negotiating time on holding a general election.

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That just might have been acceptable if she had made a better job of appealing to people that she could do the job, but as it was, she lost her majority and was obliged to pay a bribe of £1 billion of OUR money to secure the voted of a minority party of religious bigots and retain her position.

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Because it is a group of 27 nations, each with a vote (and a veto) on the final deal, the EU has operated on a fairly strict set of rules. There has been no doubt from the first day of negotiations that the “four freedoms” which are the founding principles of the EU are not up for negotiation. Freedom of movement of goods, finance, services and labour makes the EU what it is.

They’ve told the UK time and time again you cannot cherry pick.

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Britain’s always reminded me of a bloke leaving the golf club but saying that he wants to be able to come in to the bar on a Friday for a pint with his mates, play a round of 18 on a Wednesday afternoon, oh and bring the other half in for a meal in the restaurant from time to time, all the while avoiding the annual fees and disregarding the management committee’s rulings.

The UK, on the other hand, is a group of four (five including Gibraltar) nations, none of which needs to be listened to at all (and one of which has grubby little beard snacking tea boys telling it to shut up).

The UK really needs to understand that the EU operates differently from Britain. I suppose you could call it democracy.

Your trouble is that within your own party, never mind any of the other parties in the Commons, you have divergent groups.  Remainers, reluctant leavers, and the hard right who genuinely seem to think that Beelzebub himself is in charge in Brussels. So whatever Soubrey and her like wants, you can guarantee that Rees Mogg and his band will want the exact opposite.

Then you have to add into that mix, the DUP. Bought and paid for with British gold, they will support you, but only if they get THEIR way on everything and no one ever crosses their blood orange red lines. And their way is, well, pretty extreme and definitely weird and based on a hatred of Europe that may be something to do with the religious makeup of some of the southern countries.

So basically your lot has made a complete pig’s mouth, erm I mean, ear, of the whole thing. No more and no less than we would have expected from a bunch of over-privileged underachievers.

We have now five and a half months till our leaving day and the UK still has no position that it can put to the EU and that Barnier can be fairly sure will pass through the UK parliament and therefore which he can recommend to the member states to go back and vote on.

And you think you’ve been pushed around. If I were Barnier, I’d have pushed you under this bus.

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Lord, Boris, you really are a tosser.

 

 

 

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH (SHUDDER)

I’m indebted to Grafter, who sent this documentary as part of the last post.

I knew the City was corrupt and that Britain was a sham of a decent Western democracy. I just don’t think I knew by how much.

I’m reminded of the time that Cameron, hosting a conference on corruption (being something of an expert, I have no doubt given the revelations in the Panama Papers), said something to the Queen (also mentioned in those papers), the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Speaker about Nigeria and Afghanistan being the most corrupt nations in the world.

If I remember rightly the Archbishop did pull him up about the fact that he was out of date (what else would you expect from an airhead like Cameron?) and that the current president was anti-corruption.

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And the Nigerian president replied that he didn’t want an apology. but he would appreciate it if perhaps all the money being stolen from his country by corruption and invested in London might be intercepted and returned by the  British authorities.

Of course, as Britain is also a fabulously corrupt country, Cameron had no reply and I shouldn’t think for a moment that that ever happened.

HOW GREAT THOU ART, UK

There the UK is. Punching above their weight all over the world. Being important. Being respected by some and feared (LOL) by others (quotes from David Cameron when he made a brief visit to Scotland to tell us we were Better Together). Actually, could anyone hazard a guess at who exactly fears the UK?

Today I read on the BBC website that kids in England and Wales are going hungry. They have, and I quote: “grey skin, poor teeth, poor hair; they are thinner”. They are stealing food from the school dinners and putting in their pockets to take home. They are noticeably hungrier after the weekends, and some schools reported that they stayed open during the snow because it was the only way the kids would get something to eat.

The report was about England and Wales. It came from a teacher’s union meeting in Brighton. I imagine, though, that there must be kids in that situation here in Scotland too. We all live under the same social security and tax systems.

And again, in England, doctors are reporting that even after the winter period they expect still to be operating at emergency levels, failing to reach waiting time targets. In short, the winter crisis is a year-round crisis now. Our health service is better organised and better funded, but it too is straining at the seams as the amount spent on health across the UK is considerably less than in comparable countries.

And that’s before we start on the state of the police services, the roads, the railways, the infrastructure, etc, etc, etc.

Fortunately, none of this is interfering with the expenses of doing up Buckingham Palace, the Palace of Westminster and finding millions for the security at Harry’s wedding. (Note: this came from the Express and comes with a dubious accuracy warning.)

How long can Britain continue to pretend that it is a leading rich nation when it isn’t providing the very most basic of services?

And once again, I have to ask: the people at the top in London, the queen, the prime minister, the top cabinet people, swear that they are devout Christians and that Britain is a Christian country.

What part of Christianity did I miss at school which says we should buy nuclear weapons and decorate palaces at the expense of children having enough to eat and old folk getting some decent health care?

Was it before or after walking on water and passing through the eye of a needle?