From the office of the prime minister of the UNITED kingdom of England and its lesser possessions and territories

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Dear Nikolas,

We were very tolerant towards your lesser self in the early stages of our taking over the top job at the centre of the Empire at No 10 Downing Street, London ENGLAND. We think we may even have done you the honour of visiting you in your bedsit at Bute Cottage in Aberburgh, although, of course, we do not recall.

However, following our tremendous and spectacular General Election victory,  and now that we have grown in stature in our position as triumphant leader of OUR United Kingdom and become close to world statesmen such as Mr Netenyahu and Mr Erdogan, not to mention HRH Excellency Trump and His Majesty King Salman, we feel that further discussion with a junior minister of a mere district would be inappropriate. Besides which, as I am now busily (and successfully) engaged in a red, white and blue Brexit, which means Brexit (including for your district) so that Britain can take back control of everything from the foreigners who are out to get us British people, I’m simply too busy to be bothered with inferiors.

It has been decided, therefore, that if you have anything that you wish to discuss with your superiors here at Empire Central, in our great capital city of London, you should address those matters with the Rt Hon David Mud… Mund… well, you know who I mean, and of course, if you can find her (she seems to have gone walkabout since Ms Arlene and I struck up a friendship) the Rt Hon and Gallant Lady, Colonel Davidson. Alternatively, you may try to approach the Noble Lord Duncan in his Baronial Castle, although I understand that he doesn’t much like commoners. A curtsey is appropriate.

You will not, any longer, be allowed to address yourself directly to us personally, and we intend to instruct the queen that she is no longer to grant you an audience, but must hold herself always in readiness for any occasion on which we wish to have a photo-opportunity with her, or get her to open our parliament.

Do not let any of that make you feel any less important than you already are.

Rule Britannia. God save the Queen and Theresa May

a££

Her Britannic Empr ,  sorry, Prime Ministerialness

Signed per pro

in her absence.

(Note to Cabinet Secretary: Send same sort of thing to that Welsh blokey, and the people in IOM, Channel Islands, and Gibraltar, Falklands and the rest of my empire. DO NOT ON ANY ACCOUNT SEND TO BELFAST on pain of death.)

I don’t know… these bloody nationalists…

 

 

A giant scaffolding sculpture with an image of Britain's Prime Minister wearing the Union Flag and making a gesture towards continental Europe is seen on top of the cliffs overlooking the south coast of England and the Channel
Up yours, Delors… or whoever you are

Someone appears to hate foreigners so much that they have paid for this massive effigy of Theresa May standing on the white cliffs of Dover sticking her fingers up at anyone who arrives on a Ferry.

This will no doubt encourage European leaders to give consideration to the very best possible deal for Britain in the talks that start in a fortnight’s time. I mean who could refuse anything to such nice polite, open minded, cultured people?

According to Kent On Line, the figure has now been removed, but no one seems to know who put it up in the first place. Whoever it was had a bit of spare cash to throw around though, so best not look for the culprit amongst the lower orders. This wouldn’t have come cheap.

Can you imagine the fuss the BBC and the right wing press would have made if a figure of Nicola Sturgeon draped in a Saltire had been erected on our borders making the two fingers sign to the people wishing to visit our country?

AN APOLOGY WOULD BE APPRECIATED, MAY

 

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Sometimes, when you hear about some of the things this woman does and says, and you wonder how she gets through a morning, never mind a whole day.

aapol

If I were PM and I felt the need to make an allegation of corruption about the SNP, or any other party,  I’d make absolutely certain that I had documentary evidence to hand, so that the moment the claim was contested, I could provide said evidence to back up my allegations.

The fact that the Tories seem unable to provide a shred of evidence and that Nicola Sturgeon (a lawyer) has refuted the claim, suggests to me that it is false.

How silly was that? Still, as they say, a lie can travel a thousand miles before the truth has got its boots on, and she has a compliant media to ensure that that happens.

And this is the person who, if we don’t wise up VERY soon and vote her out, will be leading negotiations on the most important change in our lives in 40 years. And worse, she will be up against intelligent, educated trained people who actually know what they are talking about. What chance does she have with Davis, Johnson, and the disgraced ex-defence minister, Fox?

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CPS confirms: UK electoral law unenforcable. While labour movement accounts for every penny, billionaires can buy any election they want.

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acps

Incidentally, “all the major parties and the Scottish nationalists (sic)”? OK, obviously to the English prime minister, the SNP is not a major party, it doesn’t stand in her country so it has no representatives at all there. But in OUR united kingdom (an expression of which she is overly fond), it is the third largest party in parliament so May would have been correct, by English standards, to say “BOTH the major parties and the Scottish Nationalists”, but not “ALL the major parties…”

Just a small point but either she thought she was being clever (not something I’d immediately associate with her, and if she was trying it,  it failed and came out as snide and stupid), or she is so England-centric that she doesn’t really see anything much past Surrey. Either is possible.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS: LOOK WHAT SOME TALENTED PERSON DID… OH, AND I SEE RUTH HAS VOTED

a porta
So, Nicola stopped on the campaign trail and had a selfie with some lads, who look, incidentally, just on the young side for voting…
a port
And today it is a painting. How’s that for talent?
auth
Parking for leetle tank commanders only. Eh Gruber?

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU’D HEARD IT ALL… ALONG COMES RUTH WITH THIS BEEZER!

amay

The Tories have overseen a large number of fairly odious policies designed, so they say, to encourage the workshy back into work. (Some of us might say that when you are lying dying in intensive care, possibly “workshy” is a tad on the harsh side, even coming from a Tory. Indeed, some of us might be tempted to believe that what the Tories were REALLY trying to do was to dismantle the Welfare State that they never much cared for.)

A new rash of cuts in benefits was introduced at the start of the new financial year 2017, among which was a particularly controversial policy which means that to benefit from child tax credits for a third or subsequent child, women must prove that the child was conceived as a result of rape. Not so easy to do if like many cases, for obvious reasons, the violation was not reported to the police. In any case utterly humiliating to have to relive such a vile experience.

Politicians, campaigners and people in the street have condemned the measure as, at best, heartless, at worst downright inhuman.

As Nicola Sturgeon said when talking about it on her recent visit to the USA, the policy is bad and bad enough, but for it to have been introduced by a government led by a woman is nothing short of astounding.

I’m not going to even try to get into what a rape victim must feel like. Relatively few men are raped, and it’s impossible for me, as a guy,  to imagine the horrors and the humiliation.  Suffice to say, for what must be a very small amount of saving when compared with, say, the refurbishments to the Palace of Westminster, it would have been a good idea just not to go there.

akezlat

OK, so in Scotland, the leaders of the main parties across the board, have condemned out of hand the Westminster policy. All except Ruth Davidson.

Uncharacteristically quiet this week, when normally she would be taking every opportunity to get her face on tv and in the papers in the run-up to the council elections, Ruth eventually issued a statement, via a spokesperson, saying that she supported the UK government’s policy, and that she would write directly  to constituents who had contacted her on the subject.

Cop out, we thought. You’re a party leader, we thought. You need to tell us ALL what your take on this policy is, we thought.

So, today, a new line has been taken both by Ruth and by her deputy, Jackson Carlaw. Obviously, they have had one of these “how the hell do we get out of this mess?” meetings and this was the answer they came up with.

Wait for it…

aruth

Yep, it seems that in time-honoured SNP BAAAAAAD fashion, it is all the SNP’s fault. Nicola, they both think, is a hypocrite to blame the Tories for a Tory policy that the Tories introduced (what with the Tories being in Government in London).

anicola1

Yes, you read that right.

Ruth and Jackson point out that the Scottish government now has the power to mitigate some of the social security policies of the Tory government without permission (and indeed they have done so). If the SNP feel so strongly about not humiliating women who have been raped, they should use these powers.

So, there you are. Problem solved, thanks to the super brains that are Davidson and Carlaw.

I wonder what Ruth thinks the government should cut in order to fund this… or perhaps it would be better if we put the tax up on high earners. There are few funding options open to Scotland. Any Tories reading, how do you feel about this policy? Should Scotland mitigate it and if so, with what?

Pathetic. spends millions mitigating welfare cuts & will continue to do so. We wouldn’t have to if Tories didn’t make callous cuts.