Bloody Hell: It just gets dafter

During the committee’s questions, he was asked about targets and replied: “I’m not giving you a deadline right now. I have been forbidden from announcing any more targets.
You have to wonder, by whom was he forbidden, given that he is the actual, erm, prime, uh, minister? He really only has one boss. 
Queen has been styling her own hair at Windsor Castle, source says ...
No, silly, not her…. 
Boris Johnson's defence of Dominic Cummings provokes furious ...
Yep, that’s da man!
Oh, yeah, then there’s Gove being left looking even more stupid than he usually is:
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Today’s laughs:

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lets hide
And for something utterly different…
john1
Thanks to John and Brendan.

POOR OLD MUDDLED JACKASS

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A couple of days ago, Nicola Sturgeon suggested that, when out, in crowded places, where it was difficult to socially distance (on the bus, in a supermarket for example) the people might like to consider wearing a face mask. Not a medical quality face mask, you understand, but one which would stop you spitting tiny droplets of saliva as you speak, especially when pronouncing “p” “t” and “b”. Not particularly for your protection but for the protection of others around you.

Well, you’d have thought that the end of the world was nigh. People on Twitter going wild saying that “Sturgeon”  wasn’t telling THEM what to do. They were British. So there! Others suggested that they would only wear a facemask if it had a union flag on it. (Well, that would keep people away, let’s be fair.)

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We need to remember that at no point did Nicola mandate this.

Jackson Carlaw asked what evidence she was using to suggest such a thing would be advantageous, and tweeted that there was no border and we were all one country (yeah I know, but maybe he doesn’t).

Wee Fluffy got himself in a terrible state. Matt Hancock, presumably Fluffy’s idol, has said that he doubted that they do any good and Fluffs was all of a dither about people being confused if England didn’t advise face masks and Scotland did. I’m confused,  he apparently tweeted. Not that that came as any surprise to any of us.

Opinion: David Mundell MP | Peeblesshire News
“Get my bags, Muddy”

I mean how would people know what do do when they got to the border. Good question.

OK, apart from the fact that most people shouldn’t actually be crossing the border right now, Fluffy may, or may not, be aware that there are many things which are different on one side than on the other. And somehow people do know.

For example, to the north of the border, there are no prescription charges, to the south each item costs £9.15, although there are exceptions to this involving age, medical conditions, pregnancy, and certain kinds of, but not all kinds of, benefits. Now that is confusing.

Primary education ends after 7 years in Scotland and after 6 in England, university courses are of different duration, drink driving laws are different, and so on and so forth.

In fact, this has gone on for a great deal longer than the period in which there has been a Scottish parliament. Indeed Gretna, just over the border in Scotland, has become world-famous and made much money, based on the fact that for many years in Scotland you could marry at 16 without parental permission, whist in England, you had to be 18 to do that. 16-year-olds had to have mummy and daddy’s OK.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of things that are different here, given that Scots Law is entirely different from English Law. You’d have thought that an ex-Secretary of State for Scotland, who happens to be a lawyer, might have grasped that. But then, as I’ve said elsewhere, they didn’t call him “Fluffy Muddle” for nothing.

Anyway, you’re letting me haver on without getting to the point and Munguin is looking cross.

And the point is this. Boris Johnson has just said that it would be sensible for people to wear masks when coming out of lockdown, contradicting what Old HandThingy said the other day… and the good thing is that Mundell won’t be muddled about it any more… or will he?

[You could have said that considerably more succinctly. Get yourself on a writing course. Kind regards, Munguin.]

This just seen:

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How embarrassing!

GOOD NEWS FOR TORIES AND SNP

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*Opinium Westminster Voting Intention: 21-23/04/2020

CON: 50% (+5)

LAB: 33% (-)

LDem: 7% (-5)

SNP: 5% (+1)

Grn: 3% (-)

PC: 0% (-)

Flavible Projection

CON: 384 (+19)

LAB: 185 (-18)

SNP: 55 (+7)

PC: 4 (-)

LDem: 3 (-8)

GRN: 1 (-)

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So, it would seem that Sir Keir Starmer hasn’t made any impact on the Tory lead in England.

Tories in Scotland are down to 3 seats.

Labour holds its usual one in a Tory heartland.

Liberals appear to have lost all their seats, even the Northern Isles, which I find incredible.  Bring back Jo Swinson, I say!!!

And the SNP has gained 7 seats, bringing them back to 55.

Also asked in the poll:

“Which, if any, of the following people do you think would be the best prime minister?”

The answers were…

Boris Johnson (Con): 44%

Keir Starmer (Lab): 23%

None of these: 17%

Don’t know: 16%

So it seems that election of centre-right Sir Keir Starmer hasn’t done Labour a power of good, although to be fair it is early days. But the calm and measured Starmer at around half the support of the de Pfeffel buffoon, in a crisis? What is wrong with these people?

On whether people are doing a good job the results were: 

Boris Johnson: + 19

Sir Keir Starmer: + 13

Nicola Sturgeon: + 3 ( Possibly because it was a UK poll.)

Ed Davey: – 8 (Possibly because no one has heard of him or knows what he is doing.)

Johnson has done a good job? Is that the sympathy vote? Because as the “Just for a Laugh” cartoon say yesterday…

johns

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In the meantime, Jackson Carlaw has told us there is no border between Scotland and England. He tweets:

“It is ridiculous to suggest Nicola Sturgeon could close the border. There is no border – we are one United Kingdom.”

OK, this probably isn’t the time to get into how being “one united kingdom” isn’t working out too well for us. That’s not the point. But it is possible to close “internal borders”, which, like it or not, Mr Carlaw, DO exist. Australia and Malaysia are, each of them “one united country” but Quokka was saying recently that the borders between states in Australia are monitored and Abu told me the same thing about Malaysia. (They may now be completely closed by now as both countries are taking stronger action against the virus.)

In the UK, however, people can freely move between the countries because there is no border security because some people, like Carlaw, are desperate to not give the impression that we are anything other than one united kingdom.

The map above (albeit based only on an opinion poll) suggests that the “united” part of united kingdom is risible.

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*Access to full tables through that site.

JOHNSON IN INTENSIVE CARE

Boris Johnson

I’ve just read that Boris Johnson has been taken into intensive care.

Now, I’ve no time for the man. As a politician, he’s a complete incompetent, absolutely lacking in judgement, almost as bad as Trump. As a person, he’s a downright unpleasant racist, homophobe and overgrown posh boy with a dubious past in dealing with people. An utter clown of a man.

Looking back I’ve had my differences with most prime ministers in the UK over the last 30 years. Major, Blair, Brown, Cameron, May, but, at a time of crisis any of them would have been a better bet than Johnson.

However, I wouldn’t wish COVID19 on my worst enemy.

So tonight, I wish Boris Johnson, (along with everyone else in the country and across the world who has fallen victim to the awful disease), all the very best in the fight against the virus and a speedy and complete recovery.

WELL, NOW THEN, THERE’S A THING

OR TWO

Boris Johnson’s daddy is apparently applying for a French Passport… a real one, a red one… not a blue one made in Poland by a French company, like ours will be… in order to escape the rigours of  Brexit Britain. Rachel Johson thinks she might have one too because their mother is of French nationality.

It would be hard to make that family up.

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dm

Erm, yeah… You know you’ll probably only get an MBE or something Stephen, don’t you?

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witherspoons

Anyone ever going to go into a Wetherspoons bar again?

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eu1

But… the plus side is Blue Passports!

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jke

This horoscope seems to be relatively accurate. Well, I never!

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SO WHAT’S HAPPENING?

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So, Munguin wants everyone to take care, but very specifically, if you are in any of the above categories, he absolutely DEMANDS that you take care. He can’t afford to lose readers. 

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So, why not Scotland?

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And this MAY explain his reluctance to order the closing of pubs, restaurants, theatres, cinemas. If he ORDERS it, the people who own these businesses may be able to claim on their INSURANCE. If he recommends people stay at home, the businesses have no insurance claim.

Anyway, who pays £25, 540 for an after-dinner speech? If they’ve got that kind of cash to throw away on a third rate music hall act, they should lower premiums.

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Ye Gads. Why is this man on tv?  He’s already wished his idiot son on us.

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Boris Johnson has slammed the brakes on the Brexit talks because of the coronavirus crisis – hours after his foreign secretary insisted they could go ahead as planned. Oh for an even semi-competent government at this time.

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I read that all French citizens have been told that electricity and gas bills will be suspended for now so that people don’t scrimp on keeping themselves warm while they are forced to be at home. Oh, the advantages of having utilities where the state has a majority shareholding.

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ANYONE EVER HEARD JOHNSON TELL THE TRUTH?

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“In Scotland, they have a particular issue with the resilience of their public services”, says Boris Johnson. 

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Probably the resilience issues are that they aren’t privatised and, although they may be understaffed, they certainly aren’t as understaffed as their English (or Welsh) equivalents.

I can’t make my mind up about Johnson.

Does he say these things off the top of his head because that’s the kind of thing that posh Eton boys do without given a flying one about the consequences? Very rich privileged people don’t worry about consequences because by and large they can buy their way out of them.

Or does Cummings just feed him words and he repeats them without thinking because he isn’t in any real sense the prime minister? Just the bloke that waves from the back seat of a chauffeur-driven limo on his way to see the queen.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS

I understand that “The Sun” is reporting that Boris Johnson called Nicola Sturgeon “that bloody Wee Jimmie Crackie woman”. (No link to the article because I won’t be a party to their clickbait.) Of course, you can’t entirely believe anything you read in the Sun, but it sounds like his unprofessional style. The kind of thing you’d expect from a 12-year-old.

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This you can believe.

Derek Mackay has resigned as Cabinet Secretary for Finance.

It appears he had been texting a 16-year-old lad and offering him dinner over a six-month period.

As the lad was 16, Derek was doing nothing illegal. In Scotland, you can leave school, get married, have children and vote at 16.

But for heaven’s sake, what a bloody stupid thing to do.

We all know that the Press is against us and that they put a huge effort into finding anything unpleasant they can headline on their front pages.

The Sun has it splashed over 9 pages on this, so presumably, they have been working on it for a while. It will take a bit of living down!

What on earth possessed such an intelligent and otherwise competent man to indulge himself like this?

As Ruth Wishart put it: “Another self-immolation by a politician with no shortage of talent but an all too slender grasp of judgement”.

He’s let us down badly.

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It is said that Ruth Davidson is to be offered a seat in the House of Lords.

The Edinburgh Central MSP has been selected alongside former Chancellors Ken Clarke and Philip Hammond    picture: GettyImages

So just a day after wee Carlot Jackson was hobnobbing with the Duke of Rothsay at Buck House, to collect his CBE, his predecessor is preparing to join Baroness Moan of Mayflower in teh Isle of Man on the red benches, collecting £300 a day and stack of “get out of jail free” cards.

Democracy, huh?

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I read that Wee Sniffy Gove may be appointed to lead the arrangements for the Climate Change summit in Glasgow.  The vacancy came about when Johnson sacked the previous incumbent, former environment minister, Claire O’Neill, without notice, for complaining that he had failed to carry out any of his promises in regard to the conference.

We all know that in most things Johnson does, promises are piecrusts and details are doughnuts. He says stuff. He walks away. He forgets everything.

Ms O’Neill has, subsequently, spent days speaking to the Press about how incompetent Johnson is,  how little he understands the subject and bemoaning the lack of progress that has been made in organising this massive international event.

David Cameron has apparently refused to take on the job, as has William Hague, both citing other commitments, possibly money-making ones (or more likely a desperate desire not to be stuck in Scotland for most of the year).

Grouse Beater on Twitter wrote, “Michael Gove is tipped to be appointed the new president of the UN climate summit to be held in Glasgow because, being a Scot, he is *well-liked* north of Gretna Green.”

Ye, I thought you’d like that!.

If possible, an even less likeable candidate, Michael “Something of the Night” Howard has also been proposed. Why not go the whole hog and invite Ann Widdicombe, his bête noire?  If it all goes horribly wrong she can always give us a tango or quick step! After that, even a catastrophic conference would fade into the mists of insignificance.

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With eight months to go, it seems like a huge task for whoever will take it on, particularly as they will be organising it in Scotland and, whether they like it or not, they need to liaise with Edinburgh about arrangements.

Given the current state of relations between London and Edinburgh, and in particular, between Johnson and Nicola, this is proving to be difficult.

You’ll remember that Johnson said that he didn’t mind if there were one of two Saltires at the conference but he wanted the place to be a sea of union flags and that he didn’t want to see Nicola Sturgeon there.

Bless him. How little he understands…  anything!

Nicola responded that she had been at the last three climate summits by invitation of the UN and that she WOULD be at this one. Of course, she can’t control the flags… but we can, and I have no doubt that Glasgow will be a sea of blue and white and that Back-Door Johnson will get the welcome he has come to expect when he appears in public in Scotland, which may cause him a little embarrassment with the world’s press in attendance.

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Random Thoughts

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No, honestly, Morrisons, they are still Brussels Sprouts even though the UK is leaving the EU and when we leave the UK London Pride will still be called London Pride, because that’s its name. Do go all Freedom Fries on us.

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Mr Johnson and his girlfriend will be spending their Christmas and New Year break on the Caribbean island of Mustique, once frequented by the royal lazy tosser of all royal lazy tosser, princess (hic) Margaret.

Princess Margaret, centre, and her friends Lady Ann Tennant and Colin Tennant on Mustique
Princess Margaret on royal duties on Mustique… erm, sort of.

“Sticking it to the elite,” one comment on Twitter read. “Our #PeoplesGovernment #PM will spend New Year with the masses in Mustique.”

I suspect that many of his new-found blue-collar Tories will be shrugging their shoulders and humbly saying that…” ‘ow as he’s a toff an’ all, gov, it’s his rightful due”.

I’m sure all those English people flooded out of their homes won’t mind one bit that he, with several homes provided at our expense, is off to luxurious sunshine.

After all, next year all the factory workers in the North-East can spend their redundancy money doing the same thing. What jolly hockey sticks!

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And here’s a thing: All those flooded workers from ‘oop North’ can take comfort and calm themselves down by reciting the Illiad, in Ancient Greek… ‘μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆο οὐλομένην.’ It works for the prime minister, why not for them?

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At least he’s not driving…

I’m sure that you will all be hugely relieved to know that Prince Philip will be with the Queen at Sandringham for Christmas.

Recently, many of the lower end newspapers were praising HM for staying in London to run the country (yes, the Sun actually said that) while her ailing 98-year-old husband was in Norfolk resting.

That notion was kinda bashed on the head when a few days ago Liz took off for Sandringham… on the very day that Phil was brought to hospital in London (because presumably, hospitals in Norfolk are just not up to royal standards).

So it seems that it was less a matter of her selflessly staying in London and more a case of her doing her damnedest to avoid the old goat…althjough I can’t say I blame her.

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