REJOICE, SCOTLAND

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Edward trying to out-posh Mr Rees Mogg.

For unto us another royal earl has been given.

And his name shall be HRH Prince Edward, Earl of Forfar (but only when he’s in Scotland).

Be grateful, ye common herd.

Yes, most of us get a small gift, a card and maybe a special meal at that time of year when we suddenly, and inexplicably, get older.

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Civies.

But what do you give the son who has everything?

I mean, you wouldn’t be buying him trinkets for around the stately home or a year’s subscription of Readers’ Digest, would you? He’s already a Viscount and an Earl and is promised the title Duke Of Edinburgh when his father and mother die. And for someone who only spent a few months in the armed services he has more military uniforms than you can shake a stick at.

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And all these medals.

Still, the Queen isn’t that imaginative when it comes to these things, so she threw him a title, a Scottish one, lest we should feel left out and unwanted in the UK. As if?

And so, the people of Forfar wake up today with a brand spanking new Earl.

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In other royal news, there is speculation that Kate Middleton is pregnant again. And that one of Andrew’s royal princesses is also supposed to be with child. So another couple of mouths to feed.

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Classy background.

Soon there will be more royals than common people about the place. Stop it already. There are only so many things that need opening… and we already have devices to do that for us.

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Replace the royals with these? Much cheaper.

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HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: TWO POSH AND OVERPRIVILEGED OLD MEN ARE FIGHTING

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Just in case you thought there was anything important going on in the world, let me put your mind at rest.

There is no American election in the offing, and Mrs May’s new boss isn’t going to be decided within weeks.

There is no war in Syria, nor is there one in Yemen, not one that Brits have any part in or should worry about in any case, clearly.

And Britain isn’t facing a crisis in Europe. No sir, it’s all plain sailing, as you’d imagine with Messers Johnson, Davis, Fox and Werrity at the helm of the royal yacht. What do people like Terry Entoure know anyway?

Anyway, no, it’s none of that. So important is the crisis facing Britain, that neither Diana nor even a scantily clad lass is anywhere to be seen on the front page of the Sunday Express. Imagine!

The utter horror facing our country, Munguinites, is that Charlie Rothsay and Airmiles Andy have fallen out about the two bloody, sorry, Blood Princesses.

It seems that, for once, Charles and I agree. He wants to  rationalise the royal family,slim it down, presumably to deflect criticism that there are vast numbers of them living at our expense and doing next to nothing for their very expensive  corn.

 

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Don’t ask me which is which. I don’t know and I don’t care

Andrew, au contraire, thinks that as his children are proper royals, not “married into” jumped up commoners,  like, for example, his wife, Fergie, Camilla Parker Bowles and Kate Middleton. They are entitled to be call “Royal Highness” without having to get married to one. Moreover,  when unaccompanied by their husbands, Parker Bowles and Middleton are outranked by them. This involves endless curtseying and deference to Beatrice and Eugenie, which will magically melt away if Charles or Willie walk into the room. (Such are the complexities of being a royal. I mean, could you cope with all that? )

 

Anyway, I digress. Airmiles wants his daughters to be given decent accommodation. Apparently St James’s Palace is small, pokey and not in the least suitable for people of their quality. He wants them moved to Kensington Palace, and he wants them to go on the royal payroll. (Jeez, I wish I had a dad that would do that for me. I always had to get my own houses and jobs!)

As I said Charlie appears to think that they need to slim down the royals and that employing two princesses who normally only ever turn up at family dos when there is sport or fashion to be enjoyed: Henley, Ascot, Wimbledon is probably not the ticket to boost his popularity, which is already way behind that of the Queen..

One of the sisters is about to settle down and get married (and, presumably, cost us even more than present bringing up little Viscounts or Viscountess or Earls or whatever they are). The other seems to spend most of her life on luxury holidays and has just split up with her boyfriend of ten years.

 

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WHY DID ONE END UP WITH SUCH A GHASTLY FAMILY, ONE ASKS ONESELF

I reckon Charlie has got it bang to rights here. Clearly, I wish we could retire the lot of them to Canada or New Zealand or wherever, and install a president in Holyrood House, but I recognise that the queen remains popular and that that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

 

So let’s trim them back like other royal families in Europe. Just the monarch and their partner and the next in line and theirs.

After that they should go out, get jobs and provide their own houses.

Let’s hope Charles prevails in this.