RANDOM THOUGHTS

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We have heard from the Tories and their wee Torylite lapdog on the right, that the Scottish government should have been doing far more testing in Care Homes, although oddly, the Tories in England didn’t.

Interestingly, I read tonight that ol’ Carlaw got £35,000 for his leadership campaign and Union Jacket on the right here managed to snag £40,000 for his 2019 election campaign… from Care Home owners.

Bless… you scratch our backs and we’ll run down the Scottish government for you.

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I’ve also been reading that Tea Boy Johnson, Mr Cummings’ PA, has decided to go on a charm offensive (I’d have thought “offensive” alone would have done) around Europe, to try to persuade Europeans to come back to England. Seriously, he has.

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Given that Britain is now the “plague nation” of Europe, I’m not entirely sure that they will let him in, but if they do, there are apparently over 20 official languages in the EU. So I guess he’s going to learn a stack of new ways of saying “foutre le camp”, “Разкарай се”, “orlähteä tiehensä”. I wonder if it’s the same in modern Greek as in ancient…

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Face masks now compulsory in France, but burqas, niqabs, still ...
Facemasks are now compulsory in France.

The advice of the Scottish government is if you are travelling on public transport or using a supermarket or shop you should wear a mask.

They are also saying that if people don’t pick this up voluntarily, they will look at bringing in legislation to make it compulsory.

Although it started off being Tory unionists that were whinging about it here (who does Nicola Sturgeon think she is? etc), it seems that the English government is bringing in legislation now and from June 15 it will be illegal in England to used public transport without a mask.

BORING LITTLE MAN TWEETS THE SAME NONSENSE AD NAUSEAM – MUNGUIN'S ...

Red face again, eh Jackson?

We need to respect people who work in supermarkets. If you are a shopper, your chance of catching the virus is tiny, particularly if you are only in the shop for as short a time as possible…in the region of 0.02% on average. However, working there on an 8-hour shift, face to face with customers, your chance is far higher. Maybe as high as 8 or 9%.

On public transport, it’s impossible to socially distance. But wearing a mask, though far from foolproof at least reduces the likelihood of infection.

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New royal yacht? A second idea enters the fray - Classic Boat Magazine

Rigsby Jones has decided that what we need to cheer us all up is a new royal yacht.

You can always depend on a member of the house of lords to have his finger on the pulse of what people want.

Why, as I lay in bed this morning, I said to myself: “Self”, I said, “what would make you feel better about all this Covid, Brexit, lockdown, no-deal, stuck here inside crap? Hmmmm?”

Boris Johnson's critics attacked by Lord Digby Jones in furious ...

And what do you think was my answer to myself?

Yep. You’re absolutely right. I said, “we need a new royal yacht to lift the Scottish people’s spirits.”

And then, lo and behold, as if from out of nowhere, the Noble Baron put it into the kind of words that I could never have found, just being a humble commoner.

The Trouble with Andrew | Vanity Fair | August 2011

So there you go. You don’t need any more jokes pages or soppiness on Sundays… You have the prospect of spending £100 million on a yacht so that Air Miles can skip the country when Liz Truss sells him out to the FBI for a photo opportunity with the orange fascist.

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English Statistics by Dummies, erm I mean FOR Dummies.

I SAY CHAPS: SHOULDERS TO THE WHEEL IN A BRITISH KIND OF WAY

MUNGUIN WANTS TO KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR. HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS HAS CALLED UPON HIS LOYAL NEARLY SUBJECTS TO RISE TO THE CAUSE.

Munguin, obviously, will have to decline because of a pre-existing medical condition known as lazy bones syndrome.

I’m surprised that Charlie didn’t immediately volunteer his brother, Airmiles, who, as we know, is incapable of sweating and should be able to work all day without getting a single sweat stain on his golfing gear. Added to which he’s no longer a member of the active royal family and has, in fact, become an even bigger waste of space than before.

And joining his uncle at the front will surely be Charlie’s son, the future king of England… (y’know, the one that hasn’t done a bunk to the USA). Yes wee Wills will be at it from morn’ till dusk, because he has always had a reputation as a hmmmm… hard worker…well, he’s always had a reputation anyway.

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Added to that, and to give us all something to look forward to, his nieces, the pantomime sisters will delight us daily by choosing a different hat to wear while they pick fruit in their fashion stilettos.

Princess Beatrice hats: 51 of her most memorable headpieces ...

If Whatsername wears the middle one, it can double as a loo seat… Things are not always what royalty is used to in the middle of a cabbage field.

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Apart from royals, who obviously have a duty to the country, and a really well paid one at that, I think that this cropping should be reserved for all those who voted to get Brexit done. You wanted to take back control of your potato fields and your strawberries.

Fashion faux pas? Farage dresses in yellow to make impression on ...

Get picking lads and lasses… and bonne chance. Erm, I mean spiffing show chaps

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Just a wee laugh I couldn’t help sharing with you (as I promised to add something light-hearted to every post during these hard times):

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I’m going with Nancy Pelosi on this one… he is morbidly obese!

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I know I’m on holiday, but I was looking at Twitter and I saw his royal highness giving it “let’s all pull together in the good old British way” talk in a shirt and tie and a jacket that cost more than my house… and I thought, sod this holiday lark.

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ERM, WHO CARES?

I thought it was interesting that a tv journalist considered it worth asking Mr Corbyn if he watched the Queen’s speech on Christmas day.

As it happens, he spends Christmas day with his family and he visits the homeless shelter. Both of these things are perfectly admirable things to do at Christmas. I was surprised then that he tried to give the impression that he did, indeed, watch “The Queen”, but kinda messed it up because he didn’t know that it was on in the afternoon and not the morning.

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I was wondering if there were genuinely any people who would consider it a game-changer in the “who to vote for” stakes.

Does anyone give a damn? We all know Corbyn’s not a royalist. So why did he feel obliged to give the impression that he did watch it?

I think that’s sad.

  • Incidentally, last year the speech was watched in these islands by 6.3 million people out of a population of 66.4 million (down by a million on the previous year), and fewer than 10% of the UK population.

I’ve not actually watched it personally for a long long time, although I’ve caught bits on Twitter or Facebook.

My granny liked it and when she was alive and spent Christmas day with us, it was on to please her, so I have a vague recollection of the type of content that was included…

There was always some detail of what she and her family had been up to over the year… her and Philip touring some ex-colonies; Anne going off to Africa do some “Save the Children” charity work; Airmiles failing to sweat in a helicopter somewhere; a wedding, funeral, birth of a royal high ness, or some such thing you’d be yawning about if it was your auntie telling you.

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Then there would be a tie into Christianity, while she sat in, quite literally, palatial setting, surrounded by items of unimaginable financial value, reminding everyone that she had always tried to live her life according to the teachings of Christ (obviously excluding the teaching about it being harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle).

Then she wished everyone a happy Christmas, and they played her dirgy song.

Of course it’s all recorded in advance so that she doesn’t have to waste Christmas day with her message, so your mind goes off to her sitting in Windsor with all her family around for a slap-up meal cooked by chefs and served by butlers and uniformed lackeys, with dirty dishes taken away and washed by other lackeys, all paid for by us… while only a few miles away some of her “subjects” are enjoying cold comfort on the street.

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It might be an idea to remind ourselves at this point that there are many people, and not just politicians, who will be working at homeless shelters and many more who will be obliged to make use of them, while her majesty and her ever-growing family, enjoy our largesse.

(*I wonder if the recent dramatic events will encourage a larger audience this year. Will people tune in to see if she mentions Philip’s actual car crash or Airmiles’ figurative one… Harry’s interview or the way that her Brit Prime Minister made a total patsy of her.)

Out of interest, how many Munguinites will watch “The Queen” show?

OH, I DO LIKE A LITTLE HOLIDAY, DON’T YOU?

Yo, Grumpy Face. If people weren’t interested in you, you and your family would be gone, tout de suite.

Not long back from a break in France at Elton John’s estate, Harry Windsor and his Mrs and Erchie have decided to take a six-week break in the USA.

I was thinking of doing the same, but don’t worry, Danny and Jon, I won’t be visiting. Munguin said that if I paid someone to come in and look after his interests, I could have next Friday afternoon off.

Harry would like to settle in Capetown, South Africa. Exactly why he thought that would be a good idea I’m not entirely sure, given that South Africa is a republic. And he wants to build a home in Botswana, also a republic.

Given that we have to provide him, his wife and his son with 24/7 protection, has it occurred to him how much this is going to cost the UK taxpayer?

Silly question. Of course he hasn’t.

Apparently, they want somewhere where they can have complete privacy and will not be disturbed. So how about the house that the taxpayer had done up for them at Frogmore on the Windsor estate? £2.4 million of our money wasted on a home that they need to leave to get privacy?

Frogmore, apparently a cottage that we paid £2.4 million to do up for Harry.

 

What’s wrong with Frogmore? It looks not bad to me. No privacy? On a royal estate? What is it? Neighbours popping in to borrow some sugar?

But really, how many ordinary homes could we have built for the homeless with £2.4 million?

And how many people can take 6 weeks off, just because they did a whole ten-days’ work touring in Africa?

OK, let me explain it in simple terms, Harry.

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Like she was born to it. 

You and your family, by and large, are an anachronism.

In order to avoid being overthrown, as an outdated and unnecessary expense, the palace, government and press made you all into little “celebrities”, a bit like Jordan or Kim Kardashian.

Your whole raison d’être is to provide entertainment for the easily pleased. Ant and Dec should be introducing you. Like it or not, that is how you are seen (and Boris Johnson has done his part in showing that even your grandmother is no more than his puppet).

If you don’t want to be in the public eye, we’re cool with that. God knows, it’s not like there’s a dearth of royal wasters. Your holidaying cousins Beatrix and Eugenie, your idiot uncle, Air Miles (although he too is keeping a low profile of late… I wonder why) and your brother and his wife, being carried around by ‘natives’ like they were somehow better than other people and deserving of the honour.

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Hey Willy, is that a great big spider I see crawling up your trouser leg?

So if you want to get out of the limelight, mate, sod off to Capetown or Botswana or Mars for all we care, but do it on your money or your family’s money, not ours.

If not, stop whinging, stop scowling and get on with your bloody job of being a minor celeb.

As my last boss (before Munguin) was wont to say, Fit In or F*** Off.