JUST FOR A LAUGH

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3. May 24, 2016. Danny in Wonderland. Oh how wonderful it all seemed in Dan’s daft wee head.
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19. Umm, a wee heads up here, Labour: the Greens are in government; “faire” is a French verb meaning to make or to do; Scotland isn’t a county…oh and the “lets” you meant there should have an apostrophe. Not being picky because, heaven knows we all make mistakes, but that’s rather a bumper bundle for people who would like to be in government.
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What do you call it when a shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar?


Another typical day in Australia.

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A horse walks into a bar: “I’ll have a triple whisky.”

Bartender: “Are you an alcoholic?”

Horse:  “I don’t think I am.” He promptly vanishes into thin air.

This is a play on “Cogito ergo sum ”  (I think therefore I am.) But if this were to be explained at the start of the gag, it wouldn’t work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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Thanks to Brenda, John, Graham, Erik.

Bonus:

“I CAN’T stand innuendo. If I see one in the script I whip it out immediately.” – Kenneth Williams

77 thoughts on “JUST FOR A LAUGH”

  1. The slaphead gammon who delivered that stunningly counterfactual narrative about the sunlit uplands of Brexit – who he? Should I know, Tris?

    Delusional. Quite, quite delusional. A friend of Neil Oliver, perhaps, assuming he has any?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Slaphead’s OK for him. He’s goa few more challenges to deal with like… reality.

        Apparently he blocks anyone on Twitter who points out that his vision was a fairy tale which even the dimmest could see was unlikely, to put it mildly!

        Like

    1. That twat is Daniel Hannan, he of the “we’d be mad to leave the Singke Market and Customs Union, no no we’re not going to be doing that” or words to that effect prior to the Brexit vote.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Dan Hannan, Ed.

      He was a Tory MSP and fanatical hater of Europe… He is, of course now The Noble Baron (aren’t they all?) Hannan, elevated to the dizzying heights of the aristocracy because of his hatred of all things foreign.

      Like

        1. I wish it would.

          The thing I hate most about Christmas is the fact that anything less Christian would be hard to imagine.

          Having worked in some of the poorer areas of the town I’ve heard to people struggling to pay off the debts that Christmas brings for people living on just enough to get by, while listening to my boss tell me that she had spent £1000+ on her kid.

          And as we have said before, the queen sitting in a room next to a golden grand piano and surrounded by priceless treasures whilst earnestly telling whoever is watching that she has always tried to live her life according to the teachings of Christ.

          Jesus would be proud

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep. It’s a chance to make money so it’s massively popular here too as any money making thing is.

      Friday afternoon traffic here was horrific.

      Not much point in having thanksgiving there though as a lot of the crops ended up rotting in the fields because they have no one to harvest them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Some funny ones here, liked the cop one and Descartes.

    Seen elsewhere

    “If people are making you sick… Try cooking them a bit longer”

    “If your cup is only half full… You need a smaller bra”

    Ps I miss Jimmy Ferguson – wonder how he is?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Why isn’t “Repairs” also apostrophised in Pic1?
      At least it would be consistent with the rest, if still appallingly punctuated.
      I sometimes wonder if these solecisms are deliberately adopted to attract attention and thereby a concomitant increase in trade…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. #19 Wasn’t there a Scottish Labour conference which had a banner with ‘Kier Hardy’ on it? At least there were no punctuation errors.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I notice Desperate Dan’s mendacious spiel about Brexit didn’t include his view, expressed on Fox TV, that the NHS is a 70 year failure needing to be abolished . People unable to afford healthcare would, of course, be able to turn to charities. I don’t think Hannan believed a word of what he sold to the Brexit gammonati.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I guess his nonsense about Brexit saved him the £3 million it would have taken to buy his seat in the house of peers. (I can’t say that without the photograph of the Noble Baron ffoukes of Cumnock coming to mind.) Oh the weird ways of the blue bloods!

      I imagine that members of Their Lardships’ House probably have private healthcare thrown in, so why would he care… And on £300+ a day, even if he had to pay…

      Like

    2. Cairnallochy……..Interesting that politicians spout the “turn to charities” gibberish on both sides of the Atlantic.

      Here in the States, the Republicans have been screaming SOCIALIST (generally considered to be a nasty hate word in American politics) at the Democrats since the rise of FDR and the “New Deal” in 1932. It didn’t succeed in defeating FDR for four terms in the White House, and really, it hasn’t been an effective political tactic against the Democrats for almost 90 years now. But Republicans never change, and right wing Republican media like FOX News today regale us with stories about how the people in the UK and Canada and the other…….*shudder*…….”welfare states,” suffer under the horrors of the NHS, and the Canadian universal health care system for example. (In the USA, you get your healthcare (largely) paid for by the federal government only after you enter the “Medicare” program when you reach age 65.)

      So when Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress passed the Affordable Care Act in 2010 (AKA “Obamacare”……a national program of medical insurance for people of all ages,) the Republicans and right wing media went out of their minds. It became a huge issue in the 2010 Congressional (midterm) election. Gibberish about “socialist medicine” filled right wing media, with the Republicans chattering about how needy people should TURN TO CHARITIES for their needs and avoid the evil of a state-run health care system.

      Out in Nevada, there was a US Senate election that year, with the Republicans trying to unseat the then current US Senate Majority leader, Democrat Harry Reid. One of the candidates in the Republican primary to choose Reid’s opponent was Sue Lowden (a wealthy former casino executive and all around right wing Republican nut case.) In the course of the campaign, she advanced what came to be called a “chicken-based” health care plan, based on negotiation……and BARTER……with your health care provider. Well Lowden lost the Republican primary to Sharron Angle, and Angle lost the general election to Harry Reid and the Democrats. But the chicken-based health care program passed into American political legend.

      Sue Lowden: “You know, before we all started having health care, in the olden days, our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the doctor. They would say I’ll paint your house…. In the old days that’s what people would do to get health care with their doctors. Doctors are very sympathetic people. I’m not backing down from that system.”

      https://www.theguardian.com/world/richard-adams-blog/2010/apr/21/sue-lowden-lowdencare-chickens-nevada

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Can you give me something for the pain, doctor?

        I have two broken arms and I’m losing my eyesight, but I’ll paint your house… even though I’m 93, just as soon as you cure me!

        She sounds like she’d fit in the UKIP section of the Tory Party.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. And yet these self same Republicans are more than happy with socialised (sic) military and socialised (sic) education and socialised (sic) postal system.

            Anyway at least you are a Republic. Which Barbados will become today so –

            congrats Barbados from Scotland trapped in the Disunited Queendom.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Yes, I see that Prince Charles and Princess Mrs Parker Bowles arrived in Barbados to say goodbye to that lucky country.

              What a relief it must be to rid yourself of that family of spongers and crooks.

              Liked by 2 people

              1. Tris……Interesting that the Prince and Mrs Parker Bowles were on hand to apply some traditional English stiff upper lipness to Barbados ditching the Queen. 😉

                Reminds me that when the Queen showed up in Washington in 1976 during the bicentennial year of American independence, she announced to the President at the White House that she had come to celebrate the American revolution “with a gallant disregard for history.”

                Articles in the Guardian and the Washington Post. First they removed the statue of Nelson, and then they ditched the Queen.

                https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/nov/29/nelson-blm-and-new-voices-how-barbados-came-to-cut-ties-to-crown

                https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/11/29/barbados-republic-queen/

                Liked by 2 people

                1. Thanks, Danny.

                  I thought this part was interesting:

                  Barbados was building a society that was, by any measure, a tremendous success, with some of the best human-development indicators in the formerly colonised world, an enormous leap from the desperate conditions that prevailed in the last decades of British rule.

                  Liked by 1 person

            2. PandaPaws…….It’s too bad that the American Republican (upper case R) political party tends to give the word “republican” (lower case r), a bad connotation, if you don’t specify the upper case/lower case distinction.

              There’s irony in Republican politicians pretending to hate so-called “socialism” so much, even in the face of the widespread popularity of the huge American public and private enterprises that you outlined, which in the private sector occasionally leads to gigantic federal bailouts of big banks and giant corporations in times of economic distress.

              The bitter ironic joke is that America has socialism for the rich, and free market capitalism for the poor.

              It’s noteworthy that the most popular federal government programs in America (as evidenced by public polling) are the “Social Security” retirement pension program (founded by FDR in 1935)….a program that has the word SOCIAL in its title BTW…..and the federal single-payer Medicare program (founded by Lyndon Johnson in 1965) that pays for the health care of Americans over the age of 65. The Republicans fought both programs tooth and nail, and at the time of the Medicare fight, first came up with the “socialized medicine” slogan that they still trot out at every opportunity.

              Liked by 2 people

              1. And the Republicans have now graduated from merely using “socialism” as a scare word to calling the Democrats “Communists.”

                Which is especially amusing to someone like me, who grew up in a real Communist state. If only the people who like to throw the label around actually understood what it means.

                Liked by 2 people

                1. Exactly. I didn’t grow up in a communist state, but was interested as a kid, in how communist worked… or rather didn’t.

                  So when I was a lad we went to Romania and Bulgaria and Czechoslovakia and Croatia and saw for ourselves.

                  Really quite amazing to call someone like Joe Biden a communist.

                  Liked by 2 people

                  1. Tris……Yes, imagining old Joe as a radical fire breathing commie is bizarre even by traditional GOP standards. But it’s in the tradition of the early Republican “Tea Party” rallies in 2010, where Obama was variously depicted as Joe Stalin, Chairman Mao, or Adolf Hitler. Take your pick! 😉

                    Liked by 1 person

                  2. It is just absolutely flabbergasting to me. I mean, if anything, Joe was a little too centrist for my tastes. But the right-wing media has learned that if they just repeat a lie often enough, a portion of the population will believe them, no matter how ridiculous the lie is.

                    Liked by 2 people

                    1. Yes eurobrat……even though old Joe is a centrist moderate (who somehow has managed to get along with the lefties in his party), the Republicans still have to get out the traditional GOP playbook and try to depict him as a fire breathing radical socialist. 🙂

                      Liked by 2 people

                    2. Absolutely. Same thing here with the Express, Sun and once again, the Mail.

                      Keep on saying it and the public (or a certain section of the public) comes to believe it.

                      Liked by 2 people

                2. eurobrat…….Yes, trotting out the old McCarthy era “communist” label from the early 1950’s is truly bizarre, even by Republican standards. Old habits die hard in the Republican party. When the Republicans lost their minds over hatred for Barack Obama, they convinced themselves it was because he was a “socialist.” THAT recycled scare word has been in the Republican play book even longer than the “commie” label.

                  Liked by 2 people

                    1. eurobrat…….Yes, the racism in the Republican party was never on display any more than when they went crazy in 2008 with the election of Obama. The GOP “Tea Party” radicalism was in full force by 2010. But since it would be unseemly to admit the truth, they were always at a loss to explain away the special venom they felt for Obama. All they could do was fall back on the ridiculous old Republican cry of “socialism.” Pretending as if Obama was more leftist than all the light skinned Democratic presidents back to FDR.

                      Liked by 2 people

      1. Clearly he lives in a wee world all of his own where he imagines no one will ever check up on him.

        I loved the tweets. Particularly the Chipping Sodbury one.

        What a roaster!

        Still, who’s the one with the title and the £300 a day plus endless expenses…? Dan or Tris?

        A few years ago, prince Charles emerged from Dumfries House, where he was overseeing restoration work and announced that it was splendid to be out of such a beautiful English summer’s day.
        https://www.thetimes.co.uk/imageserver/image/%2Fmethode%2Ftimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2Fe7bca8ca-bcac-11eb-8144-d3653cd81e51.jpg?crop=3500%2C2333%2C0%2C0

        It was, of course a beautiful Scottish summer’s day. But at least he WAS actually there.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Strange to tell, Tris, I used to have to do the same thing after my eighth double whisky. Bad language never had the same effect, I have to say. Indeed, it rarely, if ever, moved me to even clutch my pearls.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. New xmas video by the cabinet out, called tory xmas, to the tune of ‘don’t they know it’s xmas’.

    Why the panic?

    Strange that the ebc report Scotland has more new varianr cases than englandland.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I see that the Queen is congratulating Barbados on getting rid of her.
    Did she ask them to think carefully before they voted?
    Looks like they did.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hopefully we’ll all remember the Bahama’s freedom day it the day before St.Andrew’s day here in Scotland.
    Have a good one, it can’t be much longer until we join the Bahamas as a normal country.

    Latest media output suggests the new variant has been responsible for the outbreak of Cold symptoms over the last 2 months.
    Took the South Africans to identify Omicron as a new variant, seems our World Beating system has been asleep or more likely oor manny was too busy in Peppa Pig land.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it seems that the new variant is much less damaging.

      I guess, logically, a virus doesn’t want to kill its hosts, so it may be a logical developmental strategy.

      But as of yet, we should probably be careful, as we have no idea of what other possible side effects it could have.

      Like

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