The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
“Keep off the Grass.”
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
If you tried to jump off the bridge in Paris you would be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says” “I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two Irish Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
A REPORT of a strange new trend of people putting their names on food in the company fridge.
An informant says: “Today I had a turkey sandwich named Kevin.”
A VISITOR to a monastery sees somebody in the kitchen with a frying pan.
“Are you the fish friar?”
“No, I’m the chip monk.”
“I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip-lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.”
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked,
‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned, ‘
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry.
I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
“I find I’ve been happier since I changed from coffee in the mornings to orange juice. My doctor explains that it’s the Vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s really the vodka.”
“Doc, I played rugby today. Now every time I touch my leg, my arm, my head, my tummy, anywhere, it hurts like hell!”
“You’ve broken your finger.”
AN AFGHAN, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Australian, an Austrian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Chinese, a Cuban, a Dane, a Djibutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Eritrean, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, an I-Kirbati, an Icelander, an Irishman, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kuwaiti, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maltese, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Pole, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Rwandan, a Salvadoran, a Scot, a Somali, a South African, a Sri Lankan, a Tanzanian, a Turk, a Ugandan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezulean, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean go to a bar.
Doorman: I’m sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.
Thanks to: John, Brendan, Brenda, Lexie, Erik, Marcia, Graham, T.Mc… and if I missed anyone out, umm, them too!!!!!