OVERHEARD in the food queue: “A cop pulled me over and said: ‘Papers!’ I said ‘Scissors!’ and drove on.”
8.
ARCHEOLOGISTS in the Middle East have discovered a 3 000-year-old mummy. They think he died of a heart attack. Found in his hand was a betting slip: “5 000 shekels on Goliath.”
9.
“THIS will be the first year we’re not going to Hawaii because of Covid 19. Normally we don’t go because we can’t afford it.”
11.
Thanks to John, Brenda, Erik, Graham, Russ.
And to Femi, for this beauty: (Language warning!)
Oh yeah, and this one. His new name: Mary Poppins:
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
Brilliant, Cole Hamilton is a bit out if step no? The pooey pants stance is old hat now. 😂
I could read the no.1 thing very well and super quick, easier than normal writing, maybe I should have a test for dyslexia, 🙂. Will test it in my son who is dyslexic, speech to keypad is really useful for messaging etc.
I have wondered if bespoke keyboards would be useful, the ‘a’ is definitely in the wrong place.
The money laundering, ha ha!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Let us know how your son gets on with it, Hetty
LikeLike
Interesting! I read through it fairly easily. And I too was reminded of my typing before applying the spell checker.
My spell checker underlines things in red that need to be corrected, and I’m sometimes surprised when I spell some long word any old way and it’s not underlined. Of course then I don’t know if I (amazingly) guessed right, or if spell checker has quit functioning (which occasionally happens.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha ha I’m in exactly the same situation, Danny. Sometimes I have to open a new window and type the word in to make sure.
We are all far too dependent on spellcheckers now. I find that, on the rare occasions when I have to actually write something, I often have no earthly idea how to spell it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL Tris……I do the same thing. When something that I didn’t have a clue how to actually spell comes up without the red underline, I will sometimes stick an “x” in it someplace to be sure that the red line comes on. Then I know that spell checker is actually working and that spelling it right was just an accident. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliantx xidea, Danny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I dno’t hvae ony porblem rdanieg the frist one.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It is like my typing.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I was thinking that about mine, actually, Marcia.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike
“My spelling is wobbly. It’s good spelling but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.”
― Winnie-the-Pooh
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’m sure WOL will teach him… Oh wait!
LikeLike
Yip could read the first one okay. Mind you I am dyslexic so I’m used to reading words that aren’t spelt correctly. Usually mine!
Nice selection of funnies. I’m concerned about Jimmy Ferguson as he hasn’t posted anything since May. I loved his stuff!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Let’s hope that all that has happened is he ran out of jokes!
LikeLike
Aye, I read the first een OK, an Ben Shapiro made me laff out loud, sell their homes an move, what a punchline, brilliant.
LikeLiked by 1 person
He’s a corker, isn’t he?
LikeLike
1 -sye I asw lbea ot ti.
22. I wish he would pop off somewhere else.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I see that Raab is threatening the Iranians with reprisals for attacking the Israeli owned tanker.
He is going to send them Johnson for a couple of weeks.
Also that other moron Williamson is demanding that Latin be taught in state schools.
Presumably to give the kids the false impression that it will allow them to become a Tory PM without the need to attend Eton.
As we say in Scotland,Aye Right.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, that will teach the Iranians. Two weeks with Johnson and they’ll be wanting the Shah back.
I was wondering how Johnson and Rees Mogg are going to manage to teach all these Latin classes.
Still I suppose it would get them out of parliament.
LikeLiked by 1 person
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E7xe9wIXoAAJP3e?format=jpg&name=medium
Apparently, Police Scotland chose the name for the visit of the English PM
LikeLike
I don’t have a problem with that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just thought it was a bit insulting to Billy Bunter, who was at least slightly amusing, even if he was a lazy, greedy, fat cheat.
LikeLike
For your younger readers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL, Marcia.
He’s far nicer than Johnson.
LikeLike
Bringiton……”Presumably to give the kids the false impression that it will allow them to become a Tory PM without the need to attend Eton.”………LOL! Excellent!
Please allow me to opine a bit about Latin.
An old lady still taught Latin at our high school, but I took French instead. (I can to this day say “open the window” or alternately, “open the pencil box” in French, whenever they come up in cocktail party conversation.) Turns out however that pretty much everyone, myself included, knows a lot of Latin. My view is that Latin has at most a couple of dozen words which almost everyone knows, and which can be spelled in more or less random ways and placed in pretty much any random order, to mean anything that suits you. That’s why so-called “translations” from Latin take numerous alternate forms when rendered in English sentences. A Latin sentence can mean almost anything you want it to in English. (That’s my opinion anyway and I’m sticking to it.)
Years ago, I had the opportunity to examine closely (at convenient reading distance) the Lincoln Cathedral copy of one of the four extant exemplars of the 1215 Magna Carta of King John. I was at first disappointed to see that it was written in Latin, but was then pleased that I could actually understand most of the first sentence……..John by the grace of God king of England, lord of Ireland, duke of Normandy and Aquitaine, count of Anjou, greets archbishops, bishops, abbots, earls, barons, etc……and loyal subjects.
1215 Magna Carta: Johannes Dei gratia rex Anglie, dominus Hibernie, dux Normannie et Aquitannie, et comes Andegavie, archiepiscopis, episcopis, abbatibus, comitibus, baronibus, justiciariis, forestariis, vicecomitibus, prepositis, ministris et omnibus ballivis et fidelibus suis salutem.
So clearly, King John has showed us that even a simple greeting to a bunch of big shots (and “omnibus” “fidelibus” peasants) sounds more posh when written in Latin. In that spirit, I found a series of useful phrases that sound LOTS better in Latin……from “Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! – God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!” to “Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.”
https://foxhugh.com/list-of-lists/funny-latin-phrases/
LikeLiked by 2 people
LOL @ Danny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Tris……I suppose declaring that if Caesar were still around, you’d be chained to an oar, has limited modern use, but it does sound good in Latin anyway.
I also liked:
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus vntosissimis exponebantur ad necem -In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
OR perhaps more useful on a daily basis:
Canis meus id comedit – My dog ate it.
and
Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis – I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Last one is the best, I think, Danny.
I’m searching my memory for the last time I felt the obligation to point out what would be likely to happen to someone if Caesar were but still alive.
I’m thinking it was probably last Tuesday, but don’t quote me on that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha ha……OK, I’ll not quote you on that. 😉
Yes, those Caesar threats surely have niche linguistic usefulness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dominic Raab’s Geography Lessons
#1453 Reunion is in France.
#145B Tristan da Cunha is in Wales which is part of England and is a region of the world.
Professor Cole-Hamilton’s Lavatorial Lessons
#2 How to poop on board Middle Eastern trains.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Alternatively, Professor Cole-Hamilton says: “Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Shakin’ Stevens.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nah, mate, you are going to be Cole-Hamilton looking stupid… but then, what’s new?
LikeLike
LOL, Iain.
LikeLike
On the day when Eu and USA visitors can enter the UK and not isolate we have from the flounder himself.
@we need to stop the importation of new variants’.
Well there you go, who would have thought that out for him?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Tris: And how will you do that, Mr Prime Minister?
primo ministro: Why, by letting people in…all and sundry …with no checks, obviously, oh thick Tris, who didn’t go to Eton and Oxford. prorsus simplex!
LikeLike
Labra lege
Laborare non amo
Suitable quotes from the Latin lessons, of course the flounder has the ancient Greek.
Reports of long queues at Heathrow due to staff shortages due to covid.
I, for one, am so glad we have such an educational giant in charge of us here in Scotland.
Seems we are to get a visit, has to be at a reasonable size of runway for the big aircraft, Lizzie of course is in the holiday cottage so Aberdeen it is on Wednesday.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I trust that when Billy Bunter meets the blue queen they will observe Scottish Law regarding masks.
She is above the law but he ain’t.
LikeLiked by 1 person
we dom rabb is in Gibraltar and says the EU are being difficult over the rock, that’s the rock that were forgotten about during the negotiations.
the other dom says the only brexit benefit is that we now know it’s failed
LikeLiked by 1 person
Everyone is being awkward about everything, except Britain, which of course is perfectly willing to sign all manner of treaties and deals and then welch on them shortly after, becasue when you hold all the cards and can make a deal in an afternoon over a cup of tea and cucumber sandwiches, you can always make another one tomorrow, maybe with some Victoria sandwich.
My deepest sympathies go to Fabian Picardo, QC, who will have a job explaining the situation to the dim by comparison, Raab.
Raab, of course, is a hard right winger… and Picardo is the leader of the Socialist Labour Party.
LikeLiked by 1 person
More nonsense,
The App is pinging too many contacts, solution, change the App to ping fewer contacts.
The gove says indeyref 2 is okay IF it’s the will of the people.
The chancer says it’s the economy that needs the cure.
The banks are to be allowed to pay no limit bonuses, no sign of them paying back the 2008 bailout money.
Media starting to have a go at the doris over u-turns.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In other words, another day in the semi mythical land of Tory Nuttery?
LikeLike
Don’t knock Latin. It has its uses. Many years ago, my (now late) wife’s work took us to Italy several times a year. My Italian was patchy, so say the least, and when I couldn’t come up the right word, I’d think of a Latin-derived synonym and Italianise it. Evidently my vocabulary was very impressive, but my wife told me one guy had asked her: “How come your husband speaks such ancient Italian but you don’t? You’re perfectly normal.” No wonder I got such odd looks at times. Seems I sounded the equivalent of a would-be English speaker whose learning was based on reading Chaucer.
Back then, my hair was still its original colour and with swarthy suntan I easily passed as a native. We were stopped in Rome by an obviosuly tourist couple, phrase-book in hand. He asked me in halting Italian, with a very English accent, how to get to St Peter’s. I explained – in English – and as they thanked me and walked away, I heard him tell his wife: “Y’know,luv, I’d have sworn that wop had a Scottish accent.” I was about to shout after them: “I am a bloody Scot, you idiot,” but by than it was too late. What’s the Italian for mot d’escalier?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thou hast a talent with language, even if ’tis a tad démodé!
Question is… Can you now pass for a Bulgarian?
Ah, l’esprit d’escalier… I’m sure the Italians would have an expression for it. It happens to everyone.
Anyone speak Italian? 🙂
LikeLike