JUST FOR A LAUGH

1.

MORE scuttlebutt from smalltown America.

Mildred is the church gossip and self-appointed custodian of the congregation’s morals. She cannot keep her nose out of other people’s business. They are nervous of her.

Then one day she accuses a taciturn fellow named George of being an alcoholic because his pick-up  truck, which the whole town knows by sight, was parked outside the town’s only bar for an entire afternoon.

Taciturn George makes no response. But later that evening he quietly parks his truck outside Mildred’s house and walks home for a good night’s sleep.

2.

3.

THIS fellow goes into a theatrical agent’s office. “I do bird imitations”,

“Bird imitations are ten a penny. It’s not worth putting you on our books.”

“Oh well, in case you change your mind, here’s my card.”

At which he drops his pants, lays an egg and flies out through the window.

4.

5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

Patient: “I keep seeing a vampire with big teeth and a cloak”.

Doctor: “Have you seen a psychiatrist?”

Patient: “No, just a vampire”.

10.

11.
12. It appears that Her Magnificence is going to get involved in sorting the Scottish Independence problem.
13.
14.
15.
16.

Prosecuting attorney: “Do you know me, Mrs Jones?”.

“Why, yes I do, Mr Williams, I’ve known you since you were a boy and frankly you’re a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot , while you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never be more than a two-bit paper pusher, Yes, I know you.”

Taken aback, the lawyer points across the room. “Do you know the defence attorney?”

“Why yes, I’ve also known Mr Bradley since he was a teenager. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is probably the worst in the state. He’s cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife …”

At which the judge urgently beckons both counsel to approach the Bench. He whispers: hoarsely “If either of you ask her if she knows me, you get the electric chair!”

17.

All trades and professions are suffering in this Covid pandemic.

A copy of a completed unemployment benefits application…

Occupation: Burglar

Reason for unemployment: Everyone is home.

18.

19.

“May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

20.

BONUS:

WARNING: RUDENESS FOLLOWS. LOOK AWAY OF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

Thanks to Brenda, Erik, John, Graham and AndiMac.

13 thoughts on “JUST FOR A LAUGH”

  1. Never mind the last one having a warning, the first one should have. Shudder. Loved the Vampire one, here’s Jimmy. Only the one as he’s not been posting much.

    “Was trying to sell my pet python.
    Guy asks “Is it big?”
    I said “Huge”
    He says “How many feet?”
    I said “None, it’s a snake”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Eddy Mair did a right job on him.

      You have to ask yourself how someone so utterly appalling cold become prime minister, and then you wonder if all the others were as bad, but better at keeping it hidden.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The flag cartoon reminded me of a Jack Dee sketch. Jack Dee and Jeremy Hardy did a parody of Top Gear that ended up with both on their knees, trousers down, at the back of the car yelling, “twin exhausts”.

    Liked by 1 person

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