WHY won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman
10.
**********
THIS fellow goes into a pet shop where he finds a talking dog. After chatting to him a few minutes about the weather, sport and current affairs, he buys him. He makes straight for his local pub.
“I bet anyone here fifty bucks this dog can talk.”
Several people take him on.
“OK Spot, tell ’em all about it!”
The dog wags his tail but says nothing.
“Spot, tell ’em what you told me in the pet shop!”
But the dog remains schtum. The fellow has lost his bets, he pays up and stomps out in a fury.
“You’re absolutely useless. I’m taking you back to the pet shop.”
“Wise up, Boss. Think of the odds we’ll get tomorrow.”
16.
Prices, prices
THE passage of time … some comments apparently made by people way back in 1955.
· If things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for £5
· If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. Two shillings a pack is ridiculous.
· “If they think I’ll pay three shillings for a haircut, they can forget it.”
19.
A Yorkshireman’s favourite dog dies and he decides to have a gold statuette of it made by a jeweller.
Yorkshireman (showing photo): “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone, yer daft boogger!”
21.
I WAS buying fish the other day and asked the counter assistant for a plastic bag.
He said it was already inside.
25.
Thanks to Brenda, John, Erik, Graham and AndiMac.
MUNGUIN'S NEW REPUBLIC 
The one about the Yorkshire mans favourite dog reminded me of this oldie.
A womans 2 pet monkeys die suddenly so she decides to take them to a Taxidermist.
Taxidermist asks: “Do you want them stuffed and mounted?”
She says: “No, just holding hands will do”.
Now I’ll be very surprised if any of you haven’t heard that one, but I enjoyed retelling it nonetheless.
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Heard a slightly different version long ago. Same answer but with a wedding photographer asking the parents if they’d like them mounted…
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Ew er, John. 🙂
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LOL. Yeah, I’ve heard it but it raised a wee smile nonetheless!
And, Munguin had never heard it…although I did have to explain it to him!
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#3 and #8…….Nicely done Andi! 😉
#4 LOL! And a pet peeve. It seems not to have occurred to people that in most cases, the proper way to use a smart phone camera is in horizontal (landscape) format. When someone gets a newsworthy video for example, they almost always hold the camera vertical, and the picture has to be shown on the TV screen with blacked out or blurred edges left and right. Get a grip! Our eyes are horizontally situated, and that’s why photography is almost always done in horizontal format. It’s why wide movie screens and TV screens are NOT stood on their sides. 😉
#9: Interesting picture! In recent years, Philip sat next to the Queen and not off to the side.
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Why does the Yorkshireman speak with a Cumbrian accent?
Genuine question.
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Probably a migrant, DonDon 😀 (Not a genuine answer)
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I thought they were taking back control of their borders, Andi, and getting rid of all these migrants.
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Ummmm.
No idea.
Genuine answer 🙂
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Oh. None of that (about the photography) had occurred to me, Danny.
You scientific people!!! 🙂
I hadn’t noticed where old Phil sat. I suppose because I’d rather pull my teeth out than listen to whatever government’s dreary, badly written speech, read badly in a dreary posh voice, all the way through. Added to which most of it doesn’t impact on us even if it were to be “listenable to”.
It’s Charlie and Princess Mrs Parker Bowles that accompany her now. Do they sit to the side?
By the way, Charlie’s getting a very red blothcy face … does that mean he drinks?
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When Charles has filled in for Phil in the past, he sat on the Consort’s throne and Mrs. Princess Parker Bowles sat by herself over to the side. This time they both sat to the side. I guess they just don’t use the consort’s throne for the ceremony if there is no living consort, and so Chuck and Mrs Bowles had to find alternate seating.
But that doesn’t explain the absence of the throne in the old picture, which made Phil move to the side. Maybe the throne was just in the shop for repairs that time.
Yes, Charlie’s face is looking sort of blotchy. Maybe royal life has indeed driven him to drink. He could always retire and go live with his son in California. The laid back southern California lifestyle would fix him right up. 😉
As for the photography, now that everyone with a smart phone is a potential news photographer, they really should learn how to take proper news footage. Almost every day on the network news, you see smart phone footage taken in portrait format…..complete with black bars or defocused blurs on the sides of the TV screen. Would it be THAT much trouble to just turn the phone horizontal and get a proper picture? 😉
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I wonder if these thrones are heavy, coz moving them about to provide for all the changes must be a big job for the old lads running the House or Peers.
I say house of peers instead of house of lords becasue obviously a lot of them are elderly in incontinent, while in the commons they are younger and incompetent.
Is a fine example. The Noble and Most Moist Lord ffoulkes of Cumnock.
I wonder where I would get to sit if I decided I wanted to attend the boring speech reading event?
And I wonder if Mrs Parker Bowles will get to wear a crown when the queen dies.
I also wonder that it hasn’t occurred to photographers that all you have to do is turn the phone around?
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Tris……I read this article explaining why Philip was a Prince Consort, not a King. The article went on to say that, contrary to what some British politicians have said, Camilla (who never took the title Princess of Wales) is not going to take the title of Queen Consort either. It says: “Camilla [will] not take the queen consort title when Charles is crowned…..A spokesperson [confirmed] that she will be known as princess consort instead.” So apparently she does not intend to wear the Queen Consort crown.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-04-09/why-was-prince-philip-not-king-queen-elizabeth-monarchy/13238510
Yes, that throne is probably pretty heavy. This article says that Charles kept his distance due to Covid, and that to avoid unnecessary handling, the Consort’s throne was not moved from its home at Houghton Hall, Norfolk, where it’s cared for by that Cholmondeley guy…….the Lord Great Chamberlain the Marquess of Cholmondeley.
“In 1901, in a matter of weeks, a second throne, known as the consort’s throne, was created. Almost identical to the sovereign’s throne, but an inch shorter, the consort’s throne is brought back to the Palace of Westminster once a year for State Opening of Parliament from its permanent home in Houghton Hall, Norfolk.”
https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/charles-queen-philip-edinburgh-house-of-lords-b934531.html
As for the smart phone photos and videos, you really would think that once they see the pictures on a TV or computer screen, it would occur to people to turn it around the other way. 😉
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I note, Danny, that the Consort throne is an inch shorter, which might be ok if the consort were a bit shorter, I suppose.
Still, when you get billions thrown at you, I suppose you can put up with reading a bad speech or listening to it, whilst uncomfortable.
I seem to recall that given that Parker Bowles was divorced and that Charles (also divorced) would one day be the head of the Church of England which rules that marriage must be for ever the queen said that Mrs PB could not be queen.
A divorced king is bad enough…
Of course when the queen dies, all bets are off, because that means old red face will be the boss man.
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Tris…..Those thrones do look very uncomfortable…..LOL.
But the woolsack looks uncomfortable too. I see that Canada had a woolsack once, but had the good sense to get rid of it. 😉
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woolsack
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LOL.
The woolsack stuffed with horses’ hair. That sounds like Britain. All a big fat sham.
Why can these people not sit on chairs like humans do.
Lying on woolsacks is something you’d expect a cat to do.
Still, the lying is appropriate.
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LOL!
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Taking video footage the right way up isn’t an issue for me Danny. By the time my iPhone won’t accept my fingerprint id and I’ve put in the 6 digit code, found camera and set to video then I’m usually too late. The bird has quite literally flown. If I’m videoing a bird that is. One example occurred only yesterday when there was a heron sitting on the roof getting attacked by seagulls. Did I get any footage? Not a second, it was all over by the time I got organised. The heron, having furiously defended itself with it huge beak from what was a pretty concerted herring gull attack, took fright at me lifting my phone up and flew away.
There’s a shortcut on my old iPhone 7 but as far as I can see it’s only for photos, plus I can never, in the heat of the moment remember what it is.
I suppose it’s yet another example of my inexorable slide into decrepitude.
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Greig…..That would have been a nice picture. I know exactly what you mean about the bird having flown before you can get your camera ready. I tell anyone who will listen about the time a Bald Eagle landed in my back yard and caught a fish in a neighboring pond. My camera was at the other end of the house, and I knew that the eagle would be gone long before I got it ready to go. So I just watched the eagle until he flew away and didn’t even try for a picture. Bald eagles are pretty rare in the lower 48 states, but there are winter sightings in all 48 states south of Alaska and Canada. Having one land in your yard just outside your back door is rare though, and a picture would have been nice.
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It would, indeed, Danny.
I remember you told me about it.
It would have been great for Soppy Sunday!
Affix your camera to your person next winter! (says Munguin).
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Good advice from Munguin! That picture would have been the star of Soppy Sunday. (Nice to tell the story again, BTW. It’s been at least a month since I mentioned it.) 😉
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🙂 🙂
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Poor heron.
And poor us. Would have been good to see these herring gulls… vicious creatures and the heron defending him/herself.
I’m sure you are not sliding into decrepitude.
I’ve always found apple things impenetrable.
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Just for a laugh I had a look at the DUP election results.
The comment I enjoyed was,
We should be thinking about poor auld Sir G. Donaldson who lost out as leader.
This should be compared to losing a darts match to an armless darts player.
The pet shop one reminds me of the one about the man asking to buy a pet wasp.
Shop owner say that he doesn’t sell wasps.
Man says that you’ve got 2 in the window.
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LOL. I love the wasp one!!!
As for the DUP… Jeeeez …if you thought Arlene was bad!
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Chic m
Murray was the source of the wasp story.
Carless Jackass for deputy leader of the tories in Hollyrood, they’ve dug him up again for twitter feeds.
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Oh, didn’t he fail already.
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He was replaced as leader by the baroness and dross.
I’m putting him forward as deputy dog for the tories.
We really need his fantastic thoughts in the parliament now he’s listening to his leader on football.
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His exceptional mind would, I’m sure, be of great value to the country at this time.
I wonder how much of a trade in price he’d give Munguin on his Bentley?
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He’ll triple the trade in if it has a painting thrown in.
I’m looking forward to hearing about the 72 extra teachers he promised for his constituency.
His claim to fame it his saving the local post office in the local mall when Menzies decided to give it up, the Co-op picked up the contract.
He also saved the park from getting a new community centre built on it before the old one was knocked down, we now have to wait whilst the old one is knocked down and the new one built on the same site, a wait of 2 years before it’s available.
And still the local labour party voters gave him their votes to stop the SNP.
Onward to his quote on the George Square riots as a failure of the SG.
Reading this morning a pensioner who had his window smashed say his police interview will be tomorrow as the polis are busy,
. They managed to turn out to the expulsion demonstration with 50 officers in quick time BUT they didn’t know it was to happen.
In the meantime his glorious leader says we have to take great care with the social distancing as the Indian variant is more transmissable than the english variant (kent).
Get the excuse in early, it’s all your own fault if the 30 year olds catch it.
Roll on the tariff free lamb from Australia, pity the local farmers will have to compete.
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Aye Brexit is going great.
It seems that the delay in closing down Indian travel was that Johnson didn’t want to upset their prime minister when Truss was about to secure some sort of interim deal. 10 planes arrive every day in London from various places in India, and very little self isolation taking place.
I see the Guardian says that there is a dire shortage of labour now that the Europeans have gone home.
I notice a distinct drop in the standards in my local Lidl as they replace the European staff with Uk staff.
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You like to plagiarise Private Eye but be warned it has been infiltrated by Unionists and not just the mcgonigal spoof.
INTELLIGENCE TEST
Despite official reluctance, Scottish authorities opened a discreet back channel to obtain military grade intelligence to help in the fight against Covid-19.
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PE has always been Anglos centric, I know.
That doesn’t stop it having some good stuff.
Like most people in London, they really don’t know or understand Scotland.
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Good selection as always. Cats need exercise.
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Ha ha ha…. A better effort than mine most days.
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