JUST FOR A LAUGH

THIS FIRST ONE (UNNUMBERED) IS BY WAY OF A BONUS, WHICH ANDIMAC SENT ONCE THE PAGE WAS DONE. IT’S SO FUNNY AND TOPICAL THAT WE DECIDED IT SHOULD BE ADDED AND GIVEN PRIDE OF PLACE.

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New virus affliction makes appearance

BAD news on the virus front, I’m afraid. A new one has arrived – Nile virus, type C. It appears to target those born between 1940 and 1970.

Symptoms:

·      You send the same message twice.

·      You send a blank message.

·      You send a message to the wrong person.

·      You send it back to the person who sent it to you.

·      You forget to attach the attachment.

·      You hit SEND before you’ve finished.

·      You hit DELETE instead of SEND.

·      You SEND when you should DELETE.

This is called the C-Nile virus.

And if you can’t admit to the above symptoms, you’ve caught the mutant strain. This is the D-Nile virus.

4. This, I should explain, is from Graham, whose name you will have seen before on JFAL. John introduced me to him by email the other day. I’m somewhat embarrassed that he is another journalist and mate of John’s of long standing. I’m surrounded these days by proper writers …frightening. Anyway, John has decided that Graham will be opening a Munguin bureau in Durban. I just hope he’s not looking for a Czech in the post. I’m going to run out of them soon. So, anyway, thanks for the jokes, Graham. I look forward to a fruitful collaboration where you send Munguin material and he …erm smiles benignly.

To the point

SOME more pithy stuff from American comic genius Steve Wright:

·      If everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.

·      Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

·      When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

·      Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

·      Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

·      I intend to live forever … So far, so good.

·      What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·      Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

·      If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

·      A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

·      Experience is something you can’t get until just after you need it.

·      The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

·      To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

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Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln

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10. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the prime minister of England. Please take him!

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Orbit of beer

BEER is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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·      I hate it when a couple argue in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

·      When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask: “Why, what did you hear?”

·      I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

·      When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

·      Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

·      Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

·       My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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Thanks to Andi, Graham, Erik, Brenda, John.