JUST FOR A LAUGH EXTRA

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2. DUH.
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Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers. Optician shows him the eye test card with  CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: ‘Can u read that?’


Pole says: ‘Read it? ….. I know the bastard!’

16.

Gentlemen  and Ladies  – read on.

It snowed last night…

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Yes, I know it’s still November!!

17.

A Tayside fellow walks into a shop and asks: “In which aisle do I find the Dundee cake?”

The counter assistant asks: “Are you a Dundee supporter by any chance?”

“Yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked for a French loaf would you ask if I’m from France? If I asked for a Swiss roll would you ask if I’m Swiss? Or if I asked for a Chelsea bun, would you ask if I’m English?”

“No, I probably wouldn’t.”

Well why then when I ask for Dundee cake you ask if I’m a Dundee supporter?”

“Because you’re in Builder’s Warehouse.”

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Thanks to John, Erik, Brendan, Brenda, Marcia.

32 thoughts on “JUST FOR A LAUGH EXTRA”

  1. Seeing we’re in entertainment mode, who better to keep us cheered up than oor ain Andy. We left him with Frank Sinatra who was pleasantly surprised to discover his popularity with Scottish fans and asked Andy if there was anything he could do in return. Now read on…

    Indeed there was!
    Andy told him about an old school friend from Arbroath, Donald Hughes, who had always yearned to visit America and particularly to see the sights of New York.
    Sadly, he died young and was unable to fulfil that ambition, but his last wish was to have his ashes scattered in Central Park. Could Frank help make that wish come true? And give Andy the joy of knowing that he’d been able to make it happen?
    Of course he could. “Nae bother at a’…” and they both laughed at how Frank had so quickly picked up on the popular Scottish expression. The funerary urn duly went off to the USA, and a few weeks later Andy was delighted to get a phone call from Frank telling him that his old pal Donald’s wishes had been carried out and his ashes scattered as requested.
    Not only that, Frank had recorded a new song in memory of the occasion. It was called “New York, New York” and went on to be yet another No 1 for Ol’ Blue Eyes, with Andy’s schoolmate immortalised in the now-famous opening line, “Start spreading Don Hughes…”
    Showbiz celebrities are often regarded as aloof and devoid of empathy, but the tale of two stars collaborating to fulfil a young man’s dying wish gives the lie to that. Its touching kindness and simplicity would surely move the stoniest heart. As Sinatra would have put it had he known another Scottish expression, a story to “Bring tears tae the eyes of a wally dug.”

    Liked by 4 people

    1. LOL… How fortunate Munguin is to have friends who are so intimately acquainted with the goings on of Andy and Moira and those other folk, whatsisname, Sinatra.

      Like

  2. Well Smogg needs to be told he is obviously referring to England, because the people of Scotland are sovereign, not ‘subjects’, they are citizens. Put that in your pipe and smoke it you backward Victorian!
    That cake, brilliant design lol! Loved these and the jokes…thanks, laughs much appreciated.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 🙂

      He is, as usual, miles out of date. Even in England, people stopped being subject a long time ago… and even when they were, they were not subjects of the government.

      He should stick to his native Latin. He gets so many things wrong when he talks foreign.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Whilst I very much welcome the arrival of the vaccine I am just a little concerned that it has been rushed here.

      That it seems to have been approved in Scotland too, suggests that thought has gone into it.

      However, as I understand it, it has to be transported from Belgium and with what is going to happen in 29 days, I wonder if truck loads of it won’t get stuck for a month in transit.

      Sic transit gloria imperi…as it were.

      Like

      1. In the USA it will cost $40 for the vaccine, two doses.
        In Scotland we are still in the middle of completion of the FLU jabs due to the virus.

        Liked by 2 people

          1. As a Jags supporter, the name and the price seem about right, Jake. $40 for two doses? Pretty generous to my mind. At the end of the last season,when we got relegated – again – you could have bought the whole team for that.

            Liked by 2 people

          2. Jake, John, Tris…… It’s a “shot.” Anything else sounds seriously weird from an American perspective. 😉

            Medical care for Americans over 65 years old are covered by federal government “Medicare,” and extremely low income Americans are covered by federal/state “Medicaid,” which I’m pretty sure fully cover all routine inoculations (such as yearly flu shots for example.) Medicare, Medicaid, and federal military coverage is more than a third of all Americans. Then about one half of Americans are covered by private employer group plans, and others are on so-called “Obamacare,” all of which generally cover inoculations, with maybe some private plans having a small co-payment. All the private medical insurance plans negotiate contracts with the private health providers, and the federal government has its own reimbursement schedules that (effectively) all doctors and hospitals charge Uncle Sam for Medicare and Medicaid patients. So pretty much no American actually pays the “published” price for anything in the health care field.

            So I was interested in that published $40 price for the Covid shots. I found this article published last month in Forbes, which describes the federal government’s $1.95 Billion contract with Pfizer for 100 million doses of its vaccine (the one the UK has now approved,) and similarly priced federal payments to Moderna for 100 million doses of its vaccine. Both Pfizer and Moderna are expected to get US FDA approval for the both vaccines this month. Both arrangements are generally consistent with that $40 published price, but it looks like no American will actually pay anything out-of-pocket. Washington will dictate the federal reimbursement for the Medicare/Medicaid patients, and Forbes says: “Most commercial insurers and self-funded employer health plans will also be on the hook for providing Covid-19 vaccines with no out-of-pocket costs [to patients] through rules from the Departments of Labor and Treasury.”

            Anyway, it looks like Uncle Sam will end up paying something in the range of $40 to $50 or so per dose in huge contracts with the pharmaceutical companies.

            https://www.forbes.com/sites/katiejennings/2020/11/17/how-much-will-a-covid-19-vaccine-cost/?sh=5995de4d576d

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I should say that a shot here is something that can mean a drink of undiluted spirits…

              …or something that comes out of a gun

              …or a loan, as in… Can I have a shot of your bike? Can I borrow it?

              …or a pig heavy ball used in athletic competitions which you do not “throw”, but “put”.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Tris……We have three of those other four “shots” too. I’ve never heard of “shot” to mean a loan though.
                Here in the states, a “shot” meaning an inoculation….as in a flu shot……..is so universal that a “flu jab” sounded really strange the first time I saw it here a few months ago. I’ve never encountered a “jag” in this context before.

                A traditional American “shot glass” used to down one gulp of undiluted spirits, or to measure spirits into a mixed drink, typically has a volume in the range of 1.25 to 1.5 fl oz. Sometimes as small as 1 fl oz apparently.

                https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shot_glass

                Gun shots are pretty common in the states too. I have a rifle, a shotgun, and a 38 caliber revolver. I could lay down a pretty good spread of defensive fire if the English ever decided to come back. 😉

                Liked by 1 person

                1. I’ll remember if Munguin pays you a visit sometime, Danny. I’ll stay in the car till I know it’s safe and talk loudly in broad Scots.

                  I think shot, as in loan, is very Scottish.

                  I sometimes hear it used for money too… Can I get a shot of £5. I’ll give it back to you next week…

                  Liked by 1 person

          1. Joe Biden
            @JoeBiden
            ·
            56m
            Once a vaccine is ready and approved,
            @KamalaHarris
            and I are going to ensure it’s distributed equitably, efficiently, and free of charge to every American.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. The doris says that the SNP are against retail.
    This was in answer to a request for a help for the self employed and those left behind without financial help from his government.
    He says we need to get retain opened up again.
    See the list has been published for the first 400,000 people to get the vaccine, care home residents and primary care workers, there are probably a lot more people in those categories.
    So we go on with million of pounds for a brexit celebration.
    Wondering if the doris actually took on board the fact that the green family businesses are to stop trading and many more small retail jobs are in doubt.
    Tesco or to return £600 million in rates support that they didn’t actually need, the other big retailers got support as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear heavens, that man just says anything…

      I see that they are all now claiming that it’s only becasue we are out of the EU that we can push the vaccine through.

      Totally discredited. Utter rubbish, according to Dr Mike Galsworthy.

      Like

  4. Not a murmur here since Tris at 9:00 and a bit last night. Alan’s weather description kept everyone inactive? (Correction: the weather, not just the description.) Here’s an extract from this morning’s FT to get temperatures rising, removing any doubt that LBJ was doing what he does best – again:

    The UK approved the vaccine before the EU using regulation 174 of the UK’s Human Medicines Regulations, which enables the temporary authorisation of a medicine prior to approval by the European Medicines Agency in the case of urgent public need.

    Since October, when the first data from the BioNTech/Pfizer trial became available, scientists and clinicians at the UK Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency, or MHRA, had “worked round the clock” to review more than 1,000 pages of information, according to June Raine, the agency’s chief executive.

    Normally each stage of a clinical trial must be completed before the next stage begins, but the BioNTech/Pfizer trial had been adapted by the companies to allow the different trial stages to “overlap”, Ms Raine said. The MHRA then undertook a rolling review of the data, she said, to allow for the assessment of the vaccine “in the shortest time possible”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I noticed that Rees Mogg, Handies the Weird, that super rich Tory with the very cheap looking wig, Fabricant, and that dim Tory that somehow found herself in a junior ministerial role despite being as suitable for the role as a bag of rice, Dorries, have all claimed that we could only do that because we had left the EU.

      But then some intelligent people (including Dr Raine and Dr Galsworthy) pointed out that it had been done within EU law.

      Experts, eh? Scientists, huh?

      Trouble with them is that they just aren’t posh enough or rich enough to know stuff… Or maybe they just aren’t full of hate?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. John…….Washington (especially Mad King Donald) was not happy that the UK approved the Pfizer vaccine before the USA did. As it stands now the FDA will not meet to review the Pfizer vaccine application until December 10, and will not consider the emergency use application of Moderna for its vaccine until December 17. FDA Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn is under fire. Trumpy figures that bureaucratic foot dragging at the FDA slowed things down and prevented a positive vaccine announcement before election day.

      https://www.politico.com/news/2020/12/01/coronavirus-vaccine-trump-fda-441959

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahhh… it was all about his re-election. Never mind that it could have saved a lot of lives.

        It seems to me, the way the figures are going, that he seems to have lost interest in saving people from COVID. Even maybe let it get bad and then Sleepy Joe will have to deal with it.

        Liked by 1 person

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