Ms Patel’s previous roles: Sec of State for Work and Pensions (where we had to pay compensation for her bullying a disabled member of staff and then sacking her). Sec of State for International Development where she was sacked for failing to inform her officials and the FCO of her secret meetings with the Israeli government and subsequently lying to the Prime Minister and the Press, not once but repeatedly, about doing so.
Sir Alex Allen’s previous roles: Chair of Joint Intelligence Committee. Permanent Sec of Dept of Constitutional Affairs. High Commissioner to Australia. Principal Private Secretary to PMs Blair and Major.
So we have lost an experience and competent man over this.
Still, Johnson has, at least for the moment, held on to his Home Secretary IN WHOM HE HAS EXPRESSED COMPLETE CONFIDENCE.
As promised… extra smiles… as if we’re not all laughing enough at Boris (Just a small One) Johnson, Dominic (You’ll Find me on Epsilon 5) Cummings, Princess (She who Must be Obeyed) Nut Nuts, Douglas (The Next First Minister of Scotland) Ross, Donald (I’m Still Here) Trump, Mike (You’ll know me by the soles of my shoes) Pompeo, et al.
Yesterday, Mr Ross disagreed with Mr Johnson, saying that devolution was a GOOD thing when Mr Johnson said that it had been a DISASTER “north of the (non-existent) border”.
The only thing, according to Dross, that had spoiled it was the horrid old SNP going out and getting themselves elected again and again, and if only the idiot Scots would just elect the Tories, it would all be fine.
AND, he could be first minister and go down in history…
Pesky Scots just had to spoil everything with their independence nonsense, he seemed to be saying.
Of course, Mr Johnson had a point and Dross doesn’t (quite apart from the bogus video, now removed).
Power devolved is power retained. Some powers will be taken back to Westminster, or at least to the massive office block in the centre of Edinburgh which is Jack’s Imperial Office.
And the devolution settlement was faulty as Johnson suggested, although obviously not in the way he meant it. Devolving power to the three Celtic nations actually reinforced the idea that England was Britain was England and clearly, as England and Britain were the same, there was no need for an English parliament, because they already had one.
In a way, it made us even less than we had been before.
Time to get rid of devolution and replace it with independence.
Maybe getting rid of Dom wasn’t an awfully good idea.
OK, I know you’re now asking if Tris’s gone mad and if next he’ll be saying “Bring back Trump” or “Please can we have more snooker on the telly”.
But no. It’s just that I can’t help feeling that De Pfeffel has gone even more potty than he was before.
To explain, the esteemed prime minister of the “united” <LOL> Kingdom gave a talk to his Blue Wall “northern” Tory MPs, carried by “The S*n” (in what they predictably described as a “victory for the S*n) and, if you can be bothered to plough your way through it, you’ll see that it’s an even bigger pile of nonsense than the piles of nonsense to which we have become accustomed over the years.
The first part of the article is obviously designed to reach his new-found working class vote in the North of England. He says that he has “ordered his minister, Oliver Dowden, to get the Premier League to ‘cough up’ cash to help struggling clubs”.
How, exactly, he is going do this isn’t made clear. After all, these very successful and very rich clubs are private businesses whose main objective is to make money for their shareholders.
Why they would want to bale out small, poor, lower league clubs to help De Pfeffle out is a bit of a mystery. (Although a seat in the Lords is always a bit of a draw, that can’t work with foreign-born nationals and PPE contracts won’t last forever.)
What, you would be forgiven for asking, ever happened to not being able to “buck the market”?
DePf also says that when the English lockdown is over (in December), he wants to get crowds back into the “footie” grounds.
Yay… It’s probably what the Sun readers want to hear, of course, but exactly how he will be able to do this also remains a mystery. It would be irresponsibility on stilts if he opened football grounds and re-spread the virus after a second two months of lockdown hardships in England.
Ah, yes, Irresponsibility on stilts… Boris Johnson… I begin to see where this is going.
Still, what he does in England is his business.
He also used his pep talk to his “Praetorian Guard” (ah, the joys of a classical education) to talk about what a disaster devolution north of the Border* had been… and how it was Tony Blair’s greatest mistake (because riding shotgun in the killing and maiming hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and destabilizing the Near East is peanuts by comparison).
*Rees Mogg: “But as my rt hon friend the Prime Minister said, there is no border between England and Scotland”
This has upset wee Whatsisname, the Noble and Gallant Baroness’s Commoner representative. He bravely refuted what his big chief’ boss had said and spluttered that it wasn’t devolution that was a failure, it was the SNP’s fault for obsessing about independence. (SNP Baaaaad bleat is obligatory for a S*n article at the moment.)
Mr Johnson swore that no further devolution would happen under HIS government, which is a bit embarrassing for DRoss and his friend Andy Bowie, who have recently tweeted such epics as these:
Douglas Ross: ‘It cannot be a power grab when over 100 extra powers are going to Holyrood”.
Andrew Bowie: “We’re increasing powers to Scotland whilst maintaining the integrity of the UK”.
“I met with Pope Francis today. He’s a really great pope great, great pope. You know he’s the leader of the Catholic Church big church.
I couldn’t believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.
He tells me he’s elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though. Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.
“He told me he’s infallible. I said that’s great, you’ll never have to worry about breaking a hip.
And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn’t catch his answer. I’m told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn’t look Latino.
“He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don’t think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I’m telling you. Lots of colours. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody, we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian, I think his name is Mike Langelo.
“At least that’s what Francis (we’re great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we’re going to hear more about this guy. He’s really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It’s natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can’t believe it.
“I told Frank I’d like to buy some of Mike’s art. I asked if Mike’s done anything on velvet. He’ll check (great guy). I’ll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He’s too much with the churches.
“He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.
“When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room.”
Chocolate is vital to our survival. The dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate and look what happened to them. (Specially for Marcia.)
Thanks to Anon, Andi. John, Erik, Brenda, Graeme.
I have a pile left over so we’ll probably have another jokes page later in the week…
As has become the custom on Munguin’s Republic over the years, Munguin and Tris take a few moments out on November 15 to say Happy Birthday to one of our favourite people.
(Pétula is herself, of course, a huge fan of Munguin who once presented her on stage, with a box of chocolates, which I’m sure she took back to Switzerland and put in a glass case with her Grammys and gold dics.)
Seriously, Pet is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, always more interested in talking about you than about herself and never too busy to sign a cd or a poster for fans.
Rare in showbusiness, I’d have thought.
I hope the weather is good in Geneva today and that she has a great birthday, despite the fact she hates birthdays.
THEN YOU MIGHT WISH THEY’D FOCUS A BIT MORE ON CORONAVIRUS
(For warning in advance: Video of Gove. For those about to attempt a night’s sleep, please look away now)
And now because of your utter incompetence, we are seriously wondering whether or not the vaccine for Coronavirus will be able to get to the UK. The UK government spokesman was asked about that three times today and didn’t answer once.
Oh yeah, and a rather less important point (with due respect to Kent and Kentish people), you’ve turned the garden of England into a carpark (and you chose a place that regularly floods, I hear. Bravo!) and you have already miles of parked up lorries on the A249 and no toilets, so people are complaining about bottles of urine and bags of s**t littering the roadside.
Good job, lads. NO downsides to Brexit and we hold all the cards, eh?
Oh, btw, did you know there was a pandemicky sort of thing going on? Maybe a wee bit of concentration on that?
With all that’s going on I nearly forgot. Apparently the queen is celebrating her platinum jubilee next year and despite Brexit and all this Covid stuff, the Commons and Lords in England has set up a committee to decide what the country should buy her.
No, I’m not joking. The woman who has absolutely everything she wants and has had for most of her life, has to be bought a gift. So get your thinking caps on, Munguinites.
You can pass your suggestions to Munguin and he’ll pass them to the appropriate authorities, through the correct channels.
I’m grateful to Brenda for sending me this article from the Guardian. I was going to write something about it rather than simply link to it, but why, when they do it so well?
In the meantime, Trump’s son, Don Junior, who some have tipped as a possible contender in 2024, has called for war. We had Bush 1 and Bush 2… maybe it will be Trumps 1 and 2.
Of course they have the right to contest the election result, but it would be better for them if they could provide any evidence of fraud.
It certainly looks like they are going to make it as difficult as possible for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris to take over… in contrast to the accommodations made by both Barack and Michelle Obama four years ago.
It seems that there will be a seriously divided USA for some time to come.