JUST FOR A LAUGH

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“I met with Pope Francis today. He’s a really great pope ­ great, great pope. You know he’s the leader of the Catholic Church ­ big church.

I couldn’t believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.

He tells me he’s elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China.  Fantastic idea, though.  Fantastic.  It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.

“He told me he’s infallible.  I said that’s great, you’ll never have to worry about breaking a hip.  

And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker.  I asked him for her number.  Didn’t catch his answer.  I’m told he said it in Latin.  I give the guy credit because he doesn’t look Latino.

“He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff.  I don’t think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I’m telling you.  Lots of colours. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody, we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian, I think his name is Mike Langelo.

“At least that’s what Francis (we’re great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we’re going to hear more about this guy. He’s really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art.  It’s natural, just like my incredible understanding of science.  All the renowned scientists say they can’t believe it.

“I told Frank I’d like to buy some of Mike’s art. I asked if Mike’s done anything on velvet.  He’ll check (great guy). I’ll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He’s too much with the churches.

“He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.


“When we left, the pope gave me a bible.  Huge book. (Huge.)  I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room.”

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Chocolate is vital to our survival. The dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate and look what happened to them. (Specially for Marcia.)

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Thanks to Anon, Andi. John, Erik, Brenda, Graeme.

I have a pile left over so we’ll probably have another jokes page later in the week…

35 thoughts on “JUST FOR A LAUGH”

  1. Haha those were great and a second bunch to follow, you spoil us! More fun from Jimmy Ferguson –

    “In 1903 two men believed humans could fly.
    They were Wright.”

    “Bloody thieves have stolen our newly planted tree.
    Bring back the birch I say.”

    “I have a book coming out soon.
    I don’t know what made me eat it in the first place.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pic 5 made me laugh. I know from experience what pigeons do (or should that be “what doos do? Answer: doo-doo”)

    Didn’t get Pic 14 at all, and please, I don’t think I want to be enlightened.

    Pic 15: Yikes! Didn’t I tell you I’m an arachnophobe?

    Like

      1. I’m stumped by 16, but prepared to take my chances on enlightenment. Great start to the day and just gone 05:30 here. Coffee, fag, and a good laugh already… thank you, Munguin, for getting Tris so organised. (For the laugh, that is. Managed the coffee and fag all by myself, even if 16 is beyond me.)

        Liked by 1 person

          1. And my usual quibble about there being one too many faces. Biden is by the normal presidential numbering convention the 46th president, but is the 45th man to hold the office. When pictures are matched to the numbers, like this one, they usually use two identical pictures of Grover Cleveland labeled 22 and 24 for his two non-consecutive presidential administrations.

            https://presidenstory.com/stat_pht.php

            Liked by 1 person

    1. I wonder what he’ll do. I doubt he can bare for long not being in the limelight.

      Will it be reality TV or a political comeback with rallies all over the USA in preparation for 2024?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Sadly, I fully expect him to be a commentator on right-wing radio or TV here in the States…with a fanatical audience, to boot. So this means we won’t be able to completely get away from him! But at least now his disjointed ramblings will not have presidential authority attached to them, so I will be able to ignore them…truth be told, I ignore them even now. Covfefe away, Donald!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. How Four Seasons Total Landscaping wants to “Make America Rake Again” :

    https://www.npr.org/2020/11/11/933635970/from-obscure-to-sold-out-the-story-of-four-seasons-total-landscaping-in-just-4-d

    The Washington Post described the location of Rudy Giuliani’s press conference at Four Seasons as the “gravelly backside of a landscaping business in an industrial stretch of Northeast Philadelphia, near a crematorium and an adult-video store called Fantasy Island, along State Road, which leads — as being associated with Trump sometimes does — to a prison.”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/four-seasons-total-landscaping-guiliani-trump-election/2020/11/08/3cf80056-2134-11eb-b532-05c751cd5dc2_story.html

    So how is it that Republicans think that they can stop the counting (or recounting) of votes and affect the outcome of an American election? Well they did it once before in Florida in the year 2000, and the mindless throng of right wing extremists, racists and xenophobes who worship Trump as a cult leader will believe anything he says and any conspiracy theory he spins.

    Meanwhile, Trump’s judicial effort has proven to be unsuccessful in its purpose, the official vote totals of the states are being certified on schedule, the electoral college will vote in the state capitals on the “Monday after the second Wednesday in December” (December 14 this year,) and the electoral votes will be counted before a joint session of Congress on December 6.

    Mike Pence (who will still be the sitting Vice President of the United States on December 6) in his constitutional role of President of the Senate will then read into the Congressional Record the names of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the official President-elect and Vice President-elect of the United States. They will assume their offices when they take the constitutional oaths on January 20, at which time any pending court action will be moot, and worshipful Trump acolytes will be free to forever advance their conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was stolen from them and their fearless leader.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. LOL Tris…….I love those videos.

        And BTW, no. 17 (above) is not only very clever, it’s a perfect illustration of the way that Trump’s lack of critical intelligence and rational judgement, combined with an almost total ignorance of any objective fact on any subject that hasn’t personally affected him in the last day or so — involving history, science, religion, government, or the law for example — results in largely irrelevant, mostly inaccurate, out-of-context gibberish about things that he once saw on television (since he doesn’t read), or that he was once briefed on but failed to understand. It must have been daunting for the leaders of friendly foreign powers to have to endure such unfocused stream-of-consciousness presidential bluff and bluster, as it was gratifying for hostile foreign dictators like Putin to have had the assistance of a “useful idiot” in the White House.

        https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/alexander-vindman-trump-useful-idiot-putin-russian-intelligence-b437490.html

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Also, I ‘hae ma doots’ about 18.
    The Dinosaurs were around longer than they have been gone,
    and we appear determined to wipe ourselves off the planet ourselves.
    In a fraction of that time.
    [Probably due to chocolate deprivation in certain quarters]

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Some more information about Trump’s phony voter fraud conspiracy theory. Respectable lawyers from giant “white shoe” law firms like Porter Wright and Jones Day are jumping ship, leaving Trump with legal representation by circus sideshow freaks like Rudy Giuliani and a second coming of FOX News’ Joe diGenova.

    Note the slightly more lively account of the first time around of diGenova according to the Washington Post, compared with the treatment by the old “Gray Lady” New York Times. (Ali Velshi is filling in for Rachel Maddow on MSNBC who is in quarantine after being exposed to Covid.)

    https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/nov/13/trump-law-firm-withdraws-pennsylvania-election-case

    Like

    1. Utter embarrassment.

      He was already going down in history as a vulgar unpleasant fool.

      Now, he’s coming over as mad as a hatter.

      I hope Pence is looking over his shoulder , because he’s coming over as certifiable, and that’s not a good thing for a president of anywhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Tros……Back in the first year of the Trump administration, Jennifer Rubin wrote an op-ed piece in the Washington Post titled “When is it okay to say the president might be nuts?”, which deals with the question: “Is Trump nuts, ill-informed or a liar — or all three?”

        https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/right-turn/wp/2017/05/02/when-is-it-okay-to-say-the-president-might-be-nuts/

        Hard to know what Trump may do since he’s not constitutionally barred from running for president again, and what this does to freeze the actions of potential GOP candidates, of whom Pence would normally be first in line.

        It just occurs to me that Kamala Harris, until she resigns from the Senate sometime before she’s sworn is as Vice President on January 20, is still a US Senator from California, and may well be among the members of Congress in the joint session of January 6, where she will hear Mike Pence, officiating as President of the Senate, declare her Vice President of the United States.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Tris…..While the presidential oath is specified word for word in the constitution, the constitution only specifies that the Vice president and other government officials, including members of the House of Representatives and Senators swear allegiance to the constitution. So the wording of the Vice Presidential governmental oath is a matter of federal law, and the one now in use dates from 1884. These days, the Vice Presidential oath is administered by an Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court as a part of the presidential inauguration ceremony at the Capitol on January 20, of the year after the November election. The Vice Presidential oath is administered just before the Presidential oath is administered to the new president by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

            Obama being sworn in by Associate Justice Sonya Sotamayor for his second term as Obama’s VP on January 21, 2013. (When the 20th falls on Sunday, the public inaugural ceremony is held on Monday, after the official oaths are administered privately on the 20th.)

            Liked by 1 person

        1. For those having problems viewing that article, use a vpn, choose a location and opt for the limited read option.

          You can more to another location for another article later.

          I’m in Reykjavik at the moment., but I was in Tokyo last week. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

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