CALL ME MADAM, NOT BARONESS

Begging letter shows that Dross can’t make it without the Rt Hon. Noble and Gallant Colonel Baroness. I wonder if she had to show him where to sign…

Now, I know that you’ll all be looking around for any spare cash you have in your purse, wallet, down the back of the settee, in a jar, under the bed, or wherever you keep your millions, so I won’t detain you for long.

I suppose the Tories’ Scottish Branch Office must be a bit hard up.

Maybe the dark money has dried up in these hard times when Ruth can no longer promise to have dinner with a Леди из России for a small consideration. Maybe Coutts has stopped accepting roubles… I don’t know.

Maybe they just want to get a better class of ermine collar for the Noble and Gallant Colonel.

1898 UK farthing value, Victoria, old veiled head
Munguin sorted out something for her from the second hand gold vaults at the Towers. The Noble one should undoubtedly get herself this costume.

But there is a warning to heed if you are about to contribute. Do not make the cheque out to Baroness Davidson.

For, sadly, the Noble Baroness doesn’t wish to be called the Noble Baroness.

I know… it’s weird, eh?

I mean only a few weeks ago she must have received the letter from Buckingham Palace saying that Her Majesty the Queen was minded to raise her from the proletariat and send her heavenward into that “select” (or not so select) class where the blood is as blue as a Tory rosette. A world where she could rub shoulders with the likes of The Noble Lady Moan of Mayfair, The Exceedingly Noble Lord George of ffoulkes (as long as it was under the table, of course)… the Grand Old Duke of York, and any number of other high borns.

BBC fly-on-the-wall documentary of House of Lords | Daily Mail Online
The Noble Red Baron working hard for Scotland.

Eh? What’s that you say?… Oh. Right! Um, well not him then.

Anyhoo, if she didn’t want to be called Baroness, all she had to do was write back in suitably sycophantic terms telling the Queen’s factotum that while she was touched beyond measure that Her Majesty had singled her out for such high honour, she felt that she was too busy being a full-time mum, and that, despite her being a Tory, she was, at heart, just an ordinary common or garden person of humble origin, unworthy of the honour, and why, she would be happy with a simple MBE which she would cherish to her dying day…. and sod the £300+ a day plus expenses.

But no. She wrote and accepted.

Indeed, the blood transfusion is already scheduled.

So, why does Ruthie not want to be called Baroness?

Grouse shooters had a terrible first day of the season, thanks to Labour  and saboteurs | The Canary
I say, you chaps, don’t let on we’re Tories.

According to a party spokesperson, it is, “not the image the Tories are going for in the lead up to the elections”. They added: “ As Ruth is effectively leading the Holyrood party now with Douglas [Ross] in Westminster, she does not want the fact she is going to be a member of the Lords influencing voters. It just adds to that stereotype of Conservatives that we’re trying to move away from.

Soooo…. if it isn’t the kind of image that they want to portray in Scotland (and who could blame them for that?) why is her Nobleness, her Nobleness?

Answers on the usual postcards, please.

Image
Thanks to Politicat (Twitter) for this…

Just for a Laugh

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6. Here am I, sitting in a tin can; far above the moon, Scotland’s red white and blue and there’s nothing you can do. Aye, is there no; is that what your brain of Britain sidekick told ya?
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aitchbee 1.1 (Versatran Series F) @aitchbee2000I think the EU already do know this. The problem for the government is that the EU hold all the aces, while Britain has the two of clubs, the Death card and Mrs Bun the Baker.Quote Tweet

Iain Duncan Smith MP@MPIainDS · 7hBrexit talks ‘will be over in days unless the EU realises Britain is serious about no-deal’

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe!

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And now for this week’s Honours List:

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Munguin thanks, as ever the kind contributors to this page: John, Erik, Brenda, Graham, aitchbee 1.1 (Versatran Series F) on Twitter and of course the Heraldic Officer, Andi!

Gratias centum

SOPPY SUNDAY

1. Morning, you lot. I can’t believe its that time again.
2. Enchanted forest on Skye.
3. Andi had this beauty in his sights, but Mr or Ms Pigeon also had his eye on Andi.
4. Spotted in Bulgaria. What a beauty.
5. I hope you’re nothing to do with these sill people from the London government that are trying to kill us off.
Unlikely Animal Friendships That Are 100% Cute And 200% Wholesome
6. This dog is lucky to have a good friend like me who lets him into the kitchen.
7. They even have heather in England!
8. I can’t play piggy in the middle… I’m a duck!
Help Your Animal Friends with These Top Charities
9. Just washing behind your ears.
10. No, I’m not coming out to play, unless Munguin asks me nicely.
Beautiful Photos of Dogs Loving Their Baby Animal Friends - LIFE WITH DOGS
11. It’s non-stop with these little ones, eat, eat, eat… I never get 2 minutes to have a munch at my bone.
Another Orangutan Baby Comes to Our Rehabilitation Centre - Borneo Orangutan  Survival Australia
12. I’ve just been rescued.
13. Munguin wants them for the grounds.
Daily Diet, Treats, & Supplements For Goats - The Open Sanctuary Project
14. Some good nosh here.
15. You don’t need Munguin to tell you where that is.
A wildlife reserve in Kenya is witnessing a baby elephant boom | The  Optimist Daily: Making Solutions the News
16. It’s time for my bed, mum. I’m sleepy!
Unlikely friends: Why we love odd animal pairs - Health - Pet health -  Creature Comforts | NBC News
17. What d’ya wanna play at today?
Mombasa Kenya - Religion News Service
18. Downtown Mombassa.
How gut bacteria saved 'dirty mice' from death | Science | AAAS
19. We heard there was a good hotel for Mice in the grounds at Munguin Towers?
Orangutan - ZooBorns
20. I just had a bath and I’m off for a sleep. Let yourselves out, will you?

Thanks to Dave, Kay, Hannah, John and Andi, and if I left anyone out… shoot me.

SIT DOWN ON THE CHAIR RIGHT AT THE BACK, MR KELLY

For so long Scotland belonged to Labour. Indeed the last time that the Tories actually got a majority of Scottish seats in the UK parliament (and to be fair it was a coalition of seats for the Unionist Party and the National Liberal and Conservative Party) was in 1955.

PartySeatsSeats changeVotes%% Change
 Conservative (Total)36Increase 11,273,94250.1Increase 1.5
 Unionist30Increase 11,056,20941.5Increase 1.6
 National Liberal & Conservative6Steady217,7338.6Decrease 0.1
 Labour Party34Decrease 11,188,05846.7Decrease 1.2
 Liberal1Steady47,2731.9Decrease0.8
 Communist0Steady13,1950.5Increase 0.1
 SNP0Steady12,1120.5Increase 0.2
 Other0Steady8,6740.3Increase 0.2
Total712,543,254100
From Wikipedia : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elections_in_Scotland

So, from 1959 until 2015 Labour held sway, at least in the UK parliament.

They lost control of the Scottish parliament in 2007 by one seat, and in 2011 they had 37 seats to the SNP’s 69.

In the Westminster election of 2015, possibly thanks to their part in the unkept promises made in the now infamous “Vow”, in concert with the Cameron-Clegg coalition, and, at the same time, the arrival of the arch right-winger, Jim Murphy, as “leader”, they fulfilled Mr Murphy’s pledge not to lose one seat to the SNP.

They did, however, lose the other 40, which he had failed to mention in his pledge.

I suspect that it must have come as a truly dreadful shock to Labour in Scotland. It had taken the votes of the Scottish people for granted for 60 years. Why they couldn’t see that coming after the loss of hegemony in Holyrood, I really cannot imagine. (Note to SNP. For heaven’s sake, don’t be that stupid.)

Since 2015 it has been a downhill all the way. In 2016, under Kezia Dugdale, they lost the title of of official opposition in the Scottish parliament, and although there was a brief revival of fortune in the UK parliament in 2017 (with 6 seats), all but that one were lost again in 2019.

Now people are calling for scalps.

Mr Leonard has not been a success as branch leader. His abysmal performances at First Minister’s Questions must have been an embarrassment to fellow left-winger, Mr Corbyn, as time after time he demanded that Nicola Sturgeon do something that she had either already done, or that was outwith the remit of the Edinburgh government.

And now rumours have been circulating that Sir Keir Starmer, from another wing of the party, has his concerns.

Given that there is a strong argument that, without some 35 to 40 seats from Scotland, Labour has little chance of ever forming a UK government, I’m sure that Sir Keir, who seems to be an arch unionist, must be looking carefully at his team in Edinburgh.

Andnow, according to “inews”, three other MSPs (Mark Griffin, Social Security, Jenny Marra and Daniel Johnson) have also demanded his resignation. His response has been that THEY might want to resign and make way for more enthusiastic members.

Impasse, je crois.

However, Munguin reminded me that with UK parties in Scotland, orders can arrive from on high… witness the unceremonious removal of the car salesman and his rapid replacement with Messers (not a spelling mistake) Ross and Hair, affectionately (and appropriately) known as DRoss and Hair Brain.

Sir Keir, faced with such dismal Conservative leadership, may well be thinking to that this is the time to get someone decent in there and because of the list system, they don’t have to be in the least popular.

George Foulkes, Baron Foulkes of Cumnock - Wikipedia

But who? Maybe the Noble Red (faced) Baron, Lord ffoulkes?

THE NEW MESSIAH

A POST BY:

No it’s not a piece on religion but one about the new Saviour of the Yooniverse. DRoss – hey you haven’t even read it yet 🙂

The member for Moray is merely the latest person touted to bring down that ESSENPEE and bring joy and glad tidings to the Union, the precious, precious union. It’s difficult to remember them all – there was Jim Murphy who vowed not to lose one seat to the SNP and indeed Ian Murray, the member for Red Morningside remained. Who can forget the truly wonderful video that managed to parody both Murphy and Neil Oliver.

Then Kezia. Yeah I’ve nothing.

Frustrated by Labour’s failure, they turned to the Tories. Nothing for it but to big up the former BBC journalist Colonel Gadaftie for whom (especially for Ed who lamented the word’s demise) no set-up photo op could be passed by. Constituency surgeries could, as indeed could any attempt to hold her accountable for her party’s policies, but puff pieces were ten a penny. Astoundingly popular the media told us of the woman whose highest vote share was lower than Thatcher’s. Then she resigned as branch office manager to spend more time with her money making ideas. We briefly had Jackson Carlaw a man you wouldn’t buy a second hand car from which is probably why his 2 dealerships went into receivership until he was defenestrated by the Dream Team of DRoss and the soon to be Baroness Amoffski.

Unfortunately for the Union, DRoss by name and DRoss by nature.

So what of Dougie?

Well, he’s a man who felt being a football referee wasn’t garnering enough hate and so became a Scottish Tory. Twitter reports say that he was a bully at school and a sleekit one too. So perfect training for being Tory branch manager.

But he’s already been shown to be just as gaffe prone as his predecessors.

DRoss – “I’m not going to vote to lower food standards”

Robertson of Beeb “effectively you already have”

DRoss – “evil evil cybernats controlling you”

Robertson “yeah mate, but it’s in Hansard and everything”

DRoss “NFU love me, they told me so”

NFU bod “he’s totally twisting my words”

Beattie of Beeb “are you happy with this”

NFU bod  “totally beeling, man, he’s had it”

Please see “DRoss from D Ross” post for the original radio extracts but I submit this as a fair summary!

So having lied and pissed off the fermers, what next?

An extra lane for the M8 – where are you putting it you loon? (Loon in Doric now means boy but apparently it originally meant worthless person, so you choose!)

Undeterred by these snafus, DRoss has proposed that any future Scottish government contracts would only be open to local and/or Scottish businesses (though Scottish is merely a local to him!), if he were First Minister.

Stop laughing at the back!

Minor problem. The UK Westminster’s Internal Market bill would make that illegal. He’s an MP and will have a vote on that bill. He’s never rebelled against the government yet and even if he did now, they have a stonking majority and it would make hee haw difference.

So as Andy Gibb would say “It’s only words and words are all I have”

DRoss plans to make a return to Holyrood at the next election. What constituency is he standing in, you ask.

Apparently none.

He’s wanting to be a Highlands and Islands MSP which means elected via the list. He’s not planning to resign as an MP though. Nor is he planning to stop being the Linesman of Ross County (one for the Glenn Campbell fans!). 

And that’s fine he told one of the Unionist journos of choice, Severin Carrell of the Guardian, because that Alex Salmond was a MP, MSP, FM and party leader all at the same time. The difference being Dougie boy, that even Eck’s enemies acknowledged that he was a formidable politician and strategist. Whereas Dougie, seriously mate…

Still, if elected FM, he will stop being a referee. So let’s, in advance, congratulate Dougie on being the world’s oldest referee.

Joking aside. Is anyone else worried about the total lack of quality in the opposition? I want independence more than anything, and you might say don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. However someone needs to hold the SNP’s feet to the fire (other than MSM I mean) or we could end up with

1. a complacent SNP assuming they’ll win anyway so no need to do anything about indy… à la Labour and home rule/abolition of HoL for all those years

2. careerists and entrists worming their way into the party with agendas other than independence. Which frankly has already happened.

Witness Glasgow councillor, NEC member and prospective MSP candidate for Argyll and Bute Rhiannon Spear pictured on twitter happily drinking out of a Union Flag mug. And a mug is what anyone wanting indy voting for her would be. She was forced on Pollok and is sighted there about as often as the Marie Celeste. I’m not a fan, but she’s not the only carpetbagger unfortunately.

Ed Freeman mentioned that he thinks there will be an indy referendum next September or October. All I can say is ‘from his lips to God’s ears’. Thereby ending this post on the same religious note it began with.

Yours

Panda Paws

PS yes I did use my Heraldic device. I’m beyond honoured that Andimac felt me worthy of his time and talent. I hardly ever get any presents and this one is treasured. Mwah!