RECRUITMENT CAMPAIGN

Image result for ann widdecombe as revolutionary war pilot

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Her Majesty the Queen and her British “government” is looking to recruit a suitable person for a most senior postΒ in Washington DC, that of

Ambassador (Lick Spittle)

Candidates should have the following diplomatic qualifications.

The ability to dress well for formal dinners and to eat without slurping soup or chewing with an open mouth (even when the host is doing it).

Total fluency in English. (Gaelic, Welsh, Kernewek speakers not considered). Even though the host is less than fluent.

The ability to dance at functions with people like Ivanka and Melania, should the successful applicant be male, or with Don Jr., or even Eric, in the unlikely event that a female be chosen.

The facility to translate into functioning English from “rambling nonsense” (when listening to or reading the inane twitterings of the resident head of government).

Image result for airports in the revolutionary wars

A sound understanding of American history, particularly as it relates to the use of aircraft and airfields in the revolutionary wars.

It is important that candidates be able to smile pleasantly while being bored witless by elderly orange men with a fear of descending stairs, and with that in mind, it is probable that the successful candidate will have an IQ somewhat under average.

Physical Requirements: A long tongue is also a necessity for this post.

Applications, in the first instance, should be sent to Theresa May (if you hurry) or either Jeremy Hunt or Boris Johnson, all c/o Widdecombe Farage Recruitment.

Clearly, the final interviews will be conducted in Washington DC by President Trump.

!ha

References will not be required.

This post is likely to be relatively short term, however, the pension rights and the likelihood of honours and antiquated titles in the near future make this an exciting opportunity for the right kind of creepy reprobate.

43 thoughts on “RECRUITMENT CAMPAIGN”

  1. I understand that Led By Donkeys are putting up screens to broadcast Boris’s comments about Trump. Wish they could put some up in Washington, DC.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Tria, I’m sure that picture from the American War of Independence is suspect – the soldiers depicted are wearing the wrong pattern of cartridge belt πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I seem to remember reading somewhere that the Americans armed their soldiers with breech loading rifles while the British retained the older muzzle loaders, ( albeit with percussion caps). It wasn’t about money or availability, it was that British Generals liked to see formations of lines and squares firing off mass volleys and their previous tactical experience was in fighting that way, so they simply blocked their purchase and supply. The problem with muzzle loaders was that a soldier had to stand (a stationary target) while reloading whereas breech loading could be done prone or from cover.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. πŸ™‚ I spy a nerding opportunity. The breech-loader available for the AWI was the experimental Ferguson rifle designed for the British army (only 200 made), firing mechanisms were flintlock. Little evidence has been found that the weapons were used in America. Percussion locks did not come into general use until the 1830s. Infantry tactics were determined by the weapons; short range and inaccurate, so to have any effect they had to be used en masse at short range. Nerds of the world unite!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m not , by natural disposition,inclined to nerdiness BUT ( pausing here, as if to bristle, for effect) …your observations ( which are quite accurate) about the general introduction of the percussion lock being delayed until the 1830’s rather begs the question as to why.
          The percussion cap was invented by the Rev Alexander John Forsyth of Belhevie in Aberdeenshire and patented in 1807. With the urgency of war in Europe and the Americas it’s not unreasonable to wonder why the delay of 2 decades, or to speculate that there might have been some intransigence from sections of the British Military establishment.

          β€œThe invention that made the percussion cap possible using the recently discovered fulminates was patented by the Rev. Alexander JohnForsyth of Belhelvie, Aberdeenshire, Scotland in 1807”
          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Percussion_cap

          The Rev Forsyth in addition to his duties as preacher doubled as a blacksmith, locksmith and artisan of some ingenuity within the local community . The story goes that this scholar and lad o’ pairts had an enthusiasm for hunting duck and that it was in the furtherance of this pursuit that he applied himself to the improvement of his fowling piece.

          There is speculation as to whether it was the frustrations of the damp weather and winds of Aberdeenshire on the black powder in the pan of his flintlock that motivated him, or, whether he sought to gain advantage over his prey by denying them the early warning of the noise and smoke of the primary ignition.

          Whatever. His invention was patented and came to the notice of the Board of Ordnance and he was given a position under the Master of Ordnance in the Tower of London, where with their facilities and resources he was employed to further improve and develop the idea.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Well, Jake, that was well nerdy (for one so unpractised in the gentle art of nerdiness!)

            I rather took to the good rev though.

            He sounds like he’d be a useful bloke to have about the place.

            Like

  3. Hell, for a gold-plated Westminster pension *I’d* do 6 months time as British Ambassador to Trumpland.

    And I’m a trans woman. It’d be hilarious, assuming I didn’t get shot.

    Does this make me a whore?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Excellent specification of the qualifications for the senior diplomatic post that has opened up in Washington! As for the interviews that will take place there, there’s already speculation about whom his orangeness might approve for the post. It’s been suggested that Nigel Farage might well be the perfect choice. πŸ˜‰

    I Googled an article in the Telegraph with a title that seems to suggest the same thing…..perhaps facetiously. But it’s a “Premium” article that they won’t let me see unless I send them some money.

    Great cartoon! And nice to see Trumpbiscuit again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nigel would be perfect. He would fawn all over Trumpy like only he and Piers Morgan can.

      I think Trump once said that Farage would make a good ambassador and May replied that the British decided on their ambassadors.

      But, you know, for a trade deal, even a bad one, they might be able to reach an accommodation.

      Yes, Danny, President Trump-Biscuit likes to make an appearance from time to time.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As far as I know,none of the US states send ambassadors to Washington,so the post will be redundant post Brexit.
    Likewise with Trade deals.

    Liked by 2 people

        1. Following President Trump’s amazing new insight into the technology employed by the British during the Revolutionary War, the first four lines of the Star Spangled Banner are to be rewritten as follows –
          “Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light,
          Those fast British warplanes with wings brightly gleaming,
          With their underwing bombs and their missiles so bright
          And the contrails white from their jet engines streaming?”

          I’m pretty sure that Trumpy will soon tell us that the American Army were in no great danger anyway as the United States had the Minutemen and everybody knows they were fearsome missiles.

          Liked by 3 people

          1. Andi…..I love your rendition that incorporates Trumpy’s new insights into our revolutionary history. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he does have a misconception about “Minutemen.” πŸ˜‰

            There is a popular misconception about the literal meaning of the first verse anyway. Francis Scott Key was a lawyer who was negotiating the release of an American prisoner, and he spent the night of the shelling of Fort McHenry on a British warship in Baltimore harbor. Most people think the song says that he saw the flag “by the dawn’s early light.” But that seems unlikely since he was about eight miles out in the harbor in the mist of early morning. Nevertheless, he was a lawyer who had a way with words, so what he wrote was:

            “O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
            What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming,”

            and then later in the verse he states:
            “Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there”

            So the dawn only “GAVE PROOF” that the flag was still there. Likely that he heard from British naval officers that the attack on the fort and the city of Baltimore had failed.

            When I first saw the actual “star spangled banner” at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington, I assumed that the parts that are missing…..fully 20% of its original size including one of the stars……were shot away by British shells that night. In fact, the flag survived undamaged and remained for almost 100 years with the family of Major George Armistead, the commander of the fort. The Armistead family snipped pieces of it that they gave to people over the years as historical souvenirs. Presumably someone once asked for a star. πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

          1. Tris……That was back when Trumpy had generated a big controversy about professional football players not standing for the national anthem before games. This is the sort of “patriotic” BS that really riles up the right wing crazies, so it looks like he would at least have tried to learn the lyrics for the TV shot.

            It still pisses me off that as a school child, at the beginning of the school day, I was forced to stand, put my hand over my heart, face the flag, and recite the “pledge of allegiance.” Pledging “allegiance” to a damn piece of cloth is outrageous.

            (Not as outrageous of course as Members of Parliament being required to pledge personal “allegiance” to the Queen and her heirs and successors. πŸ˜‰ )

            Anyway, the American pledge of allegiance was composed as part of an 1892 money raising scheme to sell flags to schools. The hand over the heart silliness came about in WWII, when the original extended arm Nazi-like “Bellamy salute” fell out of favor. The despicable “under God” wording was added to the pledge in 1954 during the anti-communist hysteria of the Cold War. There is nothing that American politicians won’t do to pander to mindless super-patriotic right wing crazy people. Trumpy is just a lot more obvious (and awkward) at it than most.

            Childhood indoctrination before WWII:

            Childhood indoctrination after WWII:

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Danny,

              At least you guys (with the exception of the “under god” thing) were spared having religion drummed into you compulsorily, at school.

              Even in Scotland, we were obliged to have a religious assembly once a week, where we were made to sing hymns and say prayers and listen to Bible stories, in addition to 2 lessons of Religious Education per week.

              When my family moved to England, the weekly religious service became daily. Yes, every day we had to go to assembly, sing hymns, say prayers, listen to homilies, all of which took more than half an hour of the day, or 2.5 hours per week.

              What a waste of learning time.

              Fortunately, we weren’t frog-marched into saluting their flag or head of state though.

              I’d no idea that pre-war kids made Nazi-style salutes to the flag in the USA. That’s just amazing.

              I see Trump’s latest is to babble on that the kidney is in the heart or something…

              Where in the name of god did you get this idiot, and how quickly can you drop him back in whatever pit it was?

              Oh and this…

              https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2019/07/10/lack-progress-us-uk-trade-talks-laid-bare-cache-leaked-documents/?WT.mc_id=tmg_share_tw

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Tris……Well said!
                When one considers the overwhelming body of evidence that proves that the British are pathologically incapable of rational self-government, it’s easy for example to point out the sovereign parliaments which pass legislation unencumbered by a written constitution that defines and restricts their own powers, while it provides zero protection for individual human rights against the majority will of the democratic rabble. Just one of the inevitable consequences of such a system is the existence of an official state religion that the majority religionists are more than happy to impose on religious and secular minorities.

                It would be one thing to simply ignore the abomination of an official state religion as an historical anachronism of people incapable of overturning the laws, customs, and institutions of centuries. But as you describe it, people apparently take it seriously, and there is no more tempting target of such governmental tyranny than the indoctrination of the young.

                As much as I detest the pledge of allegiance to the American flag, I’d have to say that a schoolroom ceremony of allegiance to a symbol of a secular constitutional republic is a much better use of school time than state-mandated religious observances. Only slightly less odious is the pledge of personal allegiance to Queen/King and her/his heirs and successors. At least only politicians who get elected to parliament are forced to suffer THAT indignity. πŸ˜‰

                The Bellamy Salute is named after Francis Bellamy who wrote the American pledge of allegiance for the benefit of a scam to sell flags to schools. Ironically, Bellamy was a socialist Christian minister who believed in the separation of church and state. He would not have liked the “under God” wording that was added 60 years later. I suppose that it passes constitutional muster today because the religious reference is non-denominational, and in theory the pledge in schools is voluntary. That’s not something they ever tell the kids of course, and parents don’t pay much attention to it. Occasionally a school district will do away with the pledge, and the local Bible-thumping right wing fanatics lose their minds. πŸ˜‰

                https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bellamy_salute

                Liked by 1 person

                1. PS Tris……You asked “where in the name of god did you get this idiot?”
                  I’d like to think that god had nothing whatever to do with it. πŸ˜‰

                  Liked by 1 person

                    1. Tris….Very interesting! I see that MPs can take the oath or make a “solemn affirmation.” The solemn affirmation takes out references to god, but the queen stays in. The oath in the “Scottish manner” seems to take out one reference to god while leaving the other one in.

                      I found this:

                      “Opponents argue that it overturns the will of the people by preventing democratically elected Sinn Fein members from taking their seats. Other republicans go along with the oath and voice their dissent, as in Tony Benn’s version: “As a committed republican, under protest, I take the oath required of me by law.”
                      “Or Dennis Skinner’s inimitable twist: ‘I solemnly swear that I will bear true and faithful allegiance to the Queen when she pays her income tax.'”

                      https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-32809040

                      Some other examples of modifying the oath with an introductory phrase:

                      https://www.republic.org.uk/what-we-do/news-and-updates/mps-break-convention-swear-allegiance-people

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. You have to love Skinner, even if he is a committed unionist.

                      Sinn Fein MPs do not swear; do not take their seats, do not pass go or collect a salary…

                      Presumably they do some sort of constituency work though they won’t get paid for it. You have to admire their principles.

                      Liked by 1 person

                2. I’ve always thought it the height pf stupidity, Danny, that a representative in parliament should swear allegiance to the monarch and her heirs blah, blah, blah.

                  He/she is there to serve us, not the bloody queen. It is to us that s/he should swear allegiance.

                  Some Labour party members of parliament used to take the Oath with their fingers crossed behind their backs, which in some schoolboy way was supposed to negate it.

                  Sinn Fein members refuse to sit in the London parliament becasue of the need to swear this oath to the British queen.

                  Others members I suppose do so knowing that they don;t mean a word of it, but it’s just something you do in that place, like calling people honourable, when god know many of them wouldn’t know honour if it kicked them in the guts.

                  Thanks for the info about Bellamy Salute. Amazed I didn’t know that!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. Tris……That’s interesting!
                    I’m thinking I once read something about MPs taking the oath under protest. But I may be misremembering that, or maybe thinking about the crossed fingers.

                    About the oaths specified in the US constitution that are required of Congressmen, Senators, presidents, and federal officials:

                    The only oath whose wording is specified in the constitution is the presidential oath. George Washington added “So help me God” at the end, and most presidents have followed that custom. (The constitution does not contain the word “God” or any reference to a deity, and only refers to “religion” once, in the Bill of Rights, to explicitly forbid a state religion.)

                    Presidential Oath: “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

                    The constitution only specifies that the Vice President and federal officials take an
                    “oath or affirmation to support the Constitution.” There are various wordings of those oaths as prescribed by law.

                    So MPs swear allegiance to the monarch, while Congressmen and Senators swear to support and defend the constitution.

                    Liked by 1 person

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