MINISTER FOR CHICKENS MUST RESIGN

0

0

OK, so when I saw the Scottish paper in the supermarket, I thought it was quite bad, and I was waiting for someone from the Labour Party to demand the Nicola Sturgeon take very severe action on whichever minister it is that is responsible for chickens.

But then I got home and found that in the UK the situation is even worse. Whereas in Scotland you have a 50% chance of dying from chickenitis, in England it’s a 66% chance, indeed in England it seems that the percentage of contaminated birds is 78.

How lucky we are in Scotland. Can someone find the chicken minister and give him or her a hearty pat on the back…

Seriously, this comic gets dafter in its competition with the Daily Diana.

SOPPY SUNDAY

 

norang
1. Didn’t have time to comb my hair before I got my portrait done. Welcome to Soppy Sunday anyway.

 

 

nlakes
2. Colours of autumn in the English Lake District.
n-coolangatta-mopuntains-kanga
3. Coolangatta Mountains. (Thanks Kangaroo.)
naut
4. More autumn colours.

 

 

n-yellow-billed-ox-pecjkers
5.Yellow Billed Ox Peckers, pecking a giraffe!

 

 

nbadger
6. Shhhhhh, I’m sleeping.

 

 

nlight
7. I’d not like to be where that came to earth!

 

 

ngiraffe
8. I mean, do I look like an ox?

 

 

ncastelmezzano
9. Castel Mezzano.

 

 

nbutter
10. What a perfect place to land.

 

 

niceberg
11. If you could work out a way to tow that to Saudi, you could make a fortune.

 

 

njasper-kanga
12. Jasper, Kangaroo’s beautiful dog.

 

 

nleaves
13. Sorry, I don’t seem to be able to resist autumn colours.

 

 

nlilly-alpaca-kanga
14. This is, or rather was, Lily, the Alpaca. She was killed not long after by a snake bite. (Kangaroo.)

 

 

npengu
15. Yes, can I help you?

 

 

nsnow1
16. Oh look, winter colour for a change.

 

 

norang3
17. I’m too little to introduce Soppy Sunday. My mum’s looking after me.

 

 

nhedge
18. I’d love hedgehogs in my garden, but it’s too small to sustain them, unfortunately.

 

 

ntiree
19. Cottage on Jura.

 

 

norang2
20. Well, that’s it for another week. Back to politics tomorrow for you lot. Back to playing for me!

I’d like to thank Kangaroo for sending me pics for this week’s Soppy Sunday. (There’s another one to come.)

I apologise for the spacing. Absolutely no idea how it gets like that. It looks ok in the draft, but when it goes out, it goes all to hell.

 

 

JUST FOR A LAUGH

cid:541CB65CE3EB41248CCF50D7D4A41583@UserPC

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN 
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. 
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
 
Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 
———————–
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). 
————————
2. Using filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 
—————–
3.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.   If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse. 
———————-
4.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
——————–
5.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it. 
——————-
6.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 
——————-
7.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. 
———————
8.  You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
———————
9.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket.
*With thanks to Kangaroo for sending this to us! Note, please read in the plummy upper-class tones of someone who just got about half a billion pounds grant from the taxpayer  to do up one of their many homes.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS

Yes, this was recorded in the run up to the 2014 referendum, but for my money, it is still absolutely bang on…although clearly references to David Cameron crying into his cornflakes, instead of being purred at the queen, are someone out-of-date. I’m indebted to Arbroath for bringing it to my attention. 🙂

As well as watching this, I can also recommend that you read this.

All you wanted to know about Brexit, and all you didn’t want to know too. You’ll be a little frightened once you’re done, that we are in such a mess and that this mess is in the hands of the shambles that is May, Johnson, Davis and Fox.

But it’s better to be prepared than not to be.

NOT REALLY DESIGNED TO CHEER YOU UP

babs2I’ve been reading a few articles in papers today and it appears that, in addition to reducing the amount paid to sick people (by £30 a week!) from April next year, MPs, who recently received a massive pay increase, also appear to be contemplating charging people for using the health service. (I know that this is an English story, but it will have repercussions here.) I mean, I suppose I wouldn’t mind paying for a visit to the doctor if I could get an 11% boost to my pay, but, of course, for some it will be another case of having to make choices between essentials!

The Financial Times reports that there is a Brexit Black Hole of £100 billion in Hammond’s budget, so I doubt we can expect any relief in the upcoming Autumn Statement. meanwhile, the UK’s debt is heading towards £1.8 trillion at a staggering £5,170 per second.

The UK has just passed a massive expansion in surveillance powers, which critics have called “terrifying” and “dangerous”.  It is said to be the most draconian snoopers’ law passed in a democracy.

babs3And pensioners’ triple lock could be under threat in 2020, because they reckon it will be unsustainable, given how poor the country will be and how many pensioners will require pensions. pensioners used to get rises in accordance with pay increases, but in 1980 Mrs Thatcher decided  that the pension was a “benefit” like Unemployment Benefit, and decided therefore  that pensions should rise in line with inflation. So, over a period of 30 years between then and 2010, pensions lost value, and the British state pension is now one of the lowest in the developed world when compared with the average wage.

babsTo his eternal discredit, and despite lobbying from Barbara Castle, Tony Blair refused to do anything about it, as did Gordon Brown. However, the Liberals in the coalition government introduced the triple lock system, where pensions increased by inflation, wage inflation or 2%, whichever was highest. It remains a mystery to me that the Uk can afford palaces and bombs, but not decency for pensioners. (Yes, don’t judge all Liberal Democrats by the bunch of useless tossers in the Scottish parliament, or the liar in chief, Carmichael. One of two of them may be OK decent people, it seems.)

All in all it does seem to be a depressing country that we live in, and it’s hard to see exactly how Better Together can justify their name…

THEY PUT ON A GOOD SHOW, BUT THAT’S REALLY ALL IT IS.

On Remembrance Sunday, mindful that Leonard Cohen died a few days ago, and given that Gerry sent me this (thank you, Gerry), I thought it was appropriate to feature this poem today.

You’ll all know by now that I’m a kinda anti-war person, I think Niko called me a peacenik at one point, and that’s fine. I’m cool with that description. It doesn’t stop me being aware that sometimes wars happen; sometimes you have to defend yourselves. I just don’t think you should go looking for war. Particularly if you do it for self-aggrandisement, or to please your more powerful ally.

 

 

cenotpah

This pic was captioned by the Daily Mail: “Prime Minister Theresa May and Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn prepare to lay wreaths”.  Respect Scotland and the Scottish fallen.

 

I do think, though, that if you, as a country, send people into war, for whatever reason, you have a duty to look after them, provide them with the very best of equipment and facilities and care when they are on active duty. You also have a sacred duty of care to those who are wounded in your service, whether that is physically or mentally, and to their families and, to the families of those who died. It seems to me that that is something that this union falls down very badly on, and indeed has always fallen down on. Why did Earl Haig have to set up a fund to help the wounded, ask yourselves!

 

Men (mainly) come back from war, are discharged into “civvy street” and are left to deal with the trauma of what they have seen, and of their physical injuries, often at the tender mercies of the DWP determined to save a grubby penny here and there and meet the targets set by a malevolent government, penny-pinching over the sick and lavishing money on  the splendours of parliaments and palaces.

And this has its inevitable consequences.Some people come back from war zones having witnessed, on a daily basis, people, their own, or the enemy’s, civilians, sometimes children and babies,  being blown to pieces. Is it really reasonable to expect them to settle down to 9-5 with a stiff upper lip, and pretend they have never had to brush someone’s brains off their uniforms?

Hardly.
centoaphHowever, the top brass will all have put on a good show this morning. The Queen, and the party leaders, and princes* left, right and centre in Colonel in Chief uniforms; princesses wearing expensive black hats and oversized poppies, wiping tears from their eyes.

They do that once a year: and good for them. Perhaps, though, one of them would like to look into why, only last week, 12 homeless ex-servicemen were evicted from a squat in Manchester, and within hours, once of them “George” was dead from Bronchial Pneumonia, at 82 years old!

What in heaven’s name was an 82-year-old doing living in a squat in the 6th largest economy in the world, especially an 82-year-old who had served in the forces? Why were 11 other ex-servicemen living in squats?

Any answers, Fallon?

Showing grief and concern, tears and £1000 hats would be a lot more convincing if anything like the same concern was voiced for the “survivors”.

  • *I’m mindful that of all of them, Harry does a lot of good work with veterans.