JOB AVAILABLE FOR SPIES WHO DON’T MIND BEING BORED WITLESS FOR MONTHS AT A TIME

According to the Daily Mail, David Davis has been warned that every other EU government is spying on him in an attempt to discover his strategy for Brexit.

He has been told he should expect the 27 other EU countries to be trying to listen in on his private conversations and intercept his phone calls. davis

So, when we read this Munguin and I fell about laughing. That should be interesting, we thought. The Minister for exiting Europe, who has no actual strategy for exiting Europe.

I hope the other 27 countries have a shed load of time on their hands. Just imagine the boredom:

*****

D Davis: Hello, Rt Hon David Davis here, Cabinet Secretary for Brexit.

Recipient: Yes, how can we help you?

DD: Can you send round a Sweet and Sour Chicken with Boiled Rice, and 5 Spring Rolls?

*****

DD: Hello, Secretary of State here.

Private Secretary: Yes?

DD: I’m bored witless. Do you fancy popping round to the club for lunch?

*****

DD: Can you come in for a moment, Private Secretary. I need your opinion on something important.

PS: Certainly Sir. With you directly. (followed by knock on door).

DD: Do you think the Rembrandt looks better on that wall or that wall?

*****

DD: Hello Liam, David here. Are you busy?

L Fox: Yes.

DD: Doing what, for heaven’s sake? You can’t start with the trade deals till 2019.

LF: I know. It’s a blast, getting paid a Cabinet salary and having nothing much to do. At the moment  I’m working on the decor for my stateroom on the royal yacht. This afternoon we’re having a Tiddlywinks competition in the Ministry of Silly Talks.

*****

DD: Hello David Davis, how can I help you?

N Sturgeon: First Minister of Scotland here. I was wondering how the Brexit plans were coming along with regard to Scotland’s continued access to the market.

DD: *Pardon Madame: You have a mauvais number there. Nous sommes “Le Petit Renard Fou” French restaurant. Voulez-vous book une table?

*with appoliogies to Miles Kington!

*****

Any other suggestions?

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21 thoughts on “JOB AVAILABLE FOR SPIES WHO DON’T MIND BEING BORED WITLESS FOR MONTHS AT A TIME”

  1. Ring Ring:
    “Hello David Davis, Brexit Minister speaking. How can I help you?”
    Caller: “We have you on our records as having been involved in an incredibly costly and damaging accident, did you know you might be entitled to-”
    DD: “-Eh, let me just stop you there sonny… The accident hasn’t finished happening yet…”
    Caller: “Oh, ummm – sorry to bo-”
    DD: “That said… Just how much compensation could we get?”
    Caller: *Clunk*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, we certainly aren’t getting any help from the British government. Kezia Dugdale has done nothing to help, as we’d expect; Ruth is a convert to what a brilliant opportunity this is and Muddle is…well, he’s Muddled. He seems to think he’s the SoS for England or something. What else can you say about him?

      Like

  2. The BBC braying about the Nissan deal now giving Davis and friends a strong hand in dealing with the EU.
    Clearly they have promised Nissan that they will underwrite any additional costs of exporting to the EU following exit.
    This will no doubt be hidden away in the accounts under foreign aid budget or something else obscure but will still be an additional cost of leaving the single market whatever.
    Nissan will not be pleased when a future Tory government decides to revert to Ye Olde English weights and measures but what the hey,gets them out of a hole in the short term.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope that since HM government is prepared to offset the additional costs to Nissan of exporting to the EU,that similar offerings will be forthcoming for Scottish exports
    No?……I didn’t think so.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have some rules. I would suggest this claim falls under this one:

    Anything a Tory accuses someone else of doing is probably what they are doing themselves.

    And they have tried other routes without success – see this:

    Juncker was clearer still about a need to be “intransigent” to counter British lobbying: “We cannot have whole sections of European industry conducting secret talks in darkened rooms behind closed doors with envoys of the British government.”

    Oh and if they want to know what the EU negotiating position will be, they should not waste time effort and money spying on anyone. The simple answer is to read the treaty of union. I do believe they have a copy in English.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Are the mandarins in the mouth a definite? Can I use some of the plums growing in the walled garden instead?
    These cords are rather abrasive, can’t I use silk instead of hemp?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Well according to Nicola it took 36 hours for a call on the hotline from Mike Russell to DD to get a response. Not so much a hotline as a frozen one.

    As for a Nissan type deal for Scotland – don’t be daft. Why would a country that voted in all constituent areas to remain be given a deal just because a town that voted to leave did. Are you mad? Fluffy has already told us “it doesn’t matter what Scotland wants”

    Now eat your cereal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aye. Maybe Mr Davis doesn’t know how to answer a phone properly. Probably talking into the wrong end…from the wrong end (if you get my drift).

      Yep. They voted leave and get concessions. We voted stay and get sod all.

      Sounds about right under Fluffs.

      Like

  7. David Davis, ” I’ve an important call to make.”

    Taps in the number,
    waits for a connection,
    phone dials,
    recipient answers…

    “At the third stroke, the UK is buggered; precisely.”

    Liked by 1 person

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