Just in case you thought there was anything important going on in the world, let me put your mind at rest.
There is no American election in the offing, and Mrs May’s new boss isn’t going to be decided within weeks.
There is no war in Syria, nor is there one in Yemen, not one that Brits have any part in or should worry about in any case, clearly.
And Britain isn’t facing a crisis in Europe. No sir, it’s all plain sailing, as you’d imagine with Messers Johnson, Davis, Fox and Werrity at the helm of the royal yacht. What do people like Terry Entoure know anyway?
Anyway, no, it’s none of that. So important is the crisis facing Britain, that neither Diana nor even a scantily clad lass is anywhere to be seen on the front page of the Sunday Express. Imagine!
The utter horror facing our country, Munguinites, is that Charlie Rothsay and Airmiles Andy have fallen out about the two bloody, sorry, Blood Princesses.
It seems that, for once, Charles and I agree. He wants to rationalise the royal family,slim it down, presumably to deflect criticism that there are vast numbers of them living at our expense and doing next to nothing for their very expensive corn.
Andrew, au contraire, thinks that as his children are proper royals, not “married into” jumped up commoners, like, for example, his wife, Fergie, Camilla Parker Bowles and Kate Middleton. They are entitled to be call “Royal Highness” without having to get married to one. Moreover, when unaccompanied by their husbands, Parker Bowles and Middleton are outranked by them. This involves endless curtseying and deference to Beatrice and Eugenie, which will magically melt away if Charles or Willie walk into the room. (Such are the complexities of being a royal. I mean, could you cope with all that? )
Anyway, I digress. Airmiles wants his daughters to be given decent accommodation. Apparently St James’s Palace is small, pokey and not in the least suitable for people of their quality. He wants them moved to Kensington Palace, and he wants them to go on the royal payroll. (Jeez, I wish I had a dad that would do that for me. I always had to get my own houses and jobs!)
As I said Charlie appears to think that they need to slim down the royals and that employing two princesses who normally only ever turn up at family dos when there is sport or fashion to be enjoyed: Henley, Ascot, Wimbledon is probably not the ticket to boost his popularity, which is already way behind that of the Queen..
One of the sisters is about to settle down and get married (and, presumably, cost us even more than present bringing up little Viscounts or Viscountess or Earls or whatever they are). The other seems to spend most of her life on luxury holidays and has just split up with her boyfriend of ten years.
I reckon Charlie has got it bang to rights here. Clearly, I wish we could retire the lot of them to Canada or New Zealand or wherever, and install a president in Holyrood House, but I recognise that the queen remains popular and that that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
So let’s trim them back like other royal families in Europe. Just the monarch and their partner and the next in line and theirs.
After that they should go out, get jobs and provide their own houses.
Let’s hope Charles prevails in this.